PEOPLE-PLEASING
online therapy for women who are tired of putting everyone else first
You’re thoughtful. You care deeply about other people. You notice what they need, how they’re feeling & what might make things easier for them.
The problem is that somewhere along the way, caring about other people may have started requiring you to disappear a little.
Maybe you say yes before checking whether you actually want to. You rehearse how to bring something up so no one gets upset. You feel guilty when someone is disappointed in you. Or you’re so used to asking “what does everyone else need?” that “what do I need?” is surprisingly hard to answer.
Therapy for people-pleasing isn’t about teaching you to care less. It’s about making sure you get to exist in the relationships you care about, too.
“Oh, no worries! I don’t want to be an inconvenience!”
“I just wanted to check, but it’s totally fine if not!”
“I’m good with anything, whatever works best for you!”
Do you hear yourself saying those things? Do you find yourself neglecting your own needs in order to make sure those around you are happy & comfortable? Do you regularly find yourself trying to please the people in your life? (See what I did there?)
If so, you are not alone. But you are likely exhausted & resentful & ready to do something about it! I’m guessing that’s why you’re here—you want to relieve yourself of your people-pleasing tendencies. You want to get to the root of those behaviors to understand why you prioritize others instead of yourself. You want to finally start communicating what you need in your relationships! You want to even just figure out what you need in your relationships! You want to set boundaries! (Okay, maybe that last one is scary. Let’s go with: you want to get to a place where you are comfortable with setting boundaries! Is that better?)
People pleasing typically develops as a coping mechanism in response to trauma, such as experiencing rejection or neglect in childhood. Individuals who engage in this behavior tend to have deeply held beliefs about their own self-worth being tied to their ability to make others happy. In therapy, we can explore where those beliefs about your worth came from, how past relationships or experiences reinforced them, & begin building a sense of worth that isn’t dependent on being liked, needed, helpful, or easy to be around.
As we delve into these roles and behaviors within your relationships, patterns begin to emerge that might have been previously unnoticed. Understanding how trauma and beliefs influence your desire to please others can empower you to break free from harmful cycles and build healthier connections. We will also work to identify your personal signs of people pleasing and shift your focus toward self-care and self-validation. This can involve developing new communication skills, boundary-setting, and challenging underlying beliefs that may be keeping you trapped in ineffective coping mechanisms. By exploring the roots of your beliefs and behaviors, you will cultivate a more resilient sense of self and approach relationships from a place of empowerment and authenticity that isn't dependent on others' approval. You will experience a greater sense of agency in your relationships and a deeper understanding of your own needs and desires.
The goal isn’t to stop caring about other people or become completely independent. Instead, we can work toward interdependence—relationships where you can care for others while still having needs, boundaries, preferences, and a sense of self that belongs to you. You can learn to support the people you love without becoming responsible for their emotions, sacrificing yourself to keep the peace, or measuring your worth by how needed you are.
Read my blog posts about people-pleasing to learn more.
You’ve gotten really good at being easy to be around.
You’re flexible. Understanding. Low-maintenance. You can usually see where everyone else is coming from—even when they’ve hurt you. You might notice yourself:
saying “it’s fine” when it actually isn’t • changing your opinion depending on who you’re talking to • overexplaining your boundaries so no one thinks you’re mean • feeling anxious when someone seems disappointed, distant or upset with you • agreeing to things & realizing afterward that you really didn’t want to • apologizing for having needs, feelings or preferences • replaying conversations to make sure you didn’t do something wrong • feeling responsible for fixing tension as quickly as possible • knowing exactly what everyone else wants while having absolutely no idea what you want
And maybe the confusing part is that a lot of these qualities have been rewarded. You’ve been called thoughtful, mature, helpful, selfless, easygoing or “the one everyone can count on.” Those things may genuinely be true about you.
The question isn’t whether caring about people is a problem. It’s whether staying connected to other people has required you to disconnect from yourself.