earning our worth

As people pleasers we think we need to earn our worth. We have to work to make others feel happy or comfortable so that we are needed and wanted. So when someone is generous towards us in any way, it can feel uncomfortable.

It might seem wrong, like we aren’t worth that generosity or kindness unless we earned it. We might feel indebted to them, or believe that we owe them.

This likely traces back to previous relationships we had, especially in childhood, where we learned our people-pleasing behaviors. Those relationships were transactional: we did something (accommodated someone’s needs, managed others’ emotions, went out of our way to take care of a situation) then we got something in return (acceptance, love, appreciation, recognition).

Those transactional relationships taught us that love is conditional. This conflicts with those moments when we are the recipient of an unconditional action, or receive seemingly unconditional acceptance from others.

We have to remind ourselves that we deserve those actions that are not transactional. We can let ourselves receive without giving something in return. We can accept acceptance, without having to earn it.

*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee