let’s talk about what it means to own our words & let others do the same
et’s talk about what it means to own our words & let others do the same:
as people pleasers we are terrified that people don’t really mean what they’re saying. we don’t think that they are owning their words—while they’re saying one thing (e.g. “i’m totally fine!”) we might believe they mean something else underneath those words (e.g. “i’m really not okay with you or this situation right now”).
on one hand, we likely experienced a relationship in childhood where we had to guess what the other person’s needs were in order to show up for them.
but on the other hand, we likely know how often we don’t actually say what we need, feel, or think—so of course, we think that others are doing the same.
an incredible shift can happen when we start owning our words: we start to believe everyone else is doing the same. we let them own their words, too. when we are clearly communicating, we can start to believe others are clearly communicating as well.
they might not be clearly communicating, but we stop worrying or wondering if they mean what they say (or are saying everything they want to).
while we might not trust someone in other ways, we can trust that they mean the words that they are saying. if they say “i’m totally fine!” we can choose to trust they REALLY mean that. if they don’t, that’s on them. it’s not on us. they need to own their words.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
10 things people-pleasers try to control
“control” often has a negative connotation in our society today. but control is important: it helps us feel safe. especially for those of us who have experienced trauma, we want to feel in control of our lives because we have learned there is so much that is out of our control. as people-pleasers, there is a lot that is outside of our control that we try to control. here are 10 things that people-pleasers try to control:
approval: people-pleasers often seek to control the approval & validation they receive from others. they strive to gain acceptance & avoid disapproval or rejection.
perception: they may try to control how others perceive them by presenting a specific image or persona that they believe will be more likable or desirable to others.
conflict: people-pleasers often try to avoid conflict or disagreements by going along with others' preferences or opinions, attempting to control the situation to maintain harmony.
criticism: they may try to prevent or minimize criticism by anticipating others' expectations & trying to meet them before any negative feedback arises.
rejection: people-pleasers often try to control situations or behaviors to avoid being rejected or abandoned by others. they fear that asserting their own needs or boundaries may result in rejection.
emotional discomfort: they may try to control their own or others' emotional discomfort by prioritizing others' needs & emotions over their own. they aim to create a sense of harmony & avoid potential conflicts or tense situations.
perfection: people-pleasers may strive to control the perception that they are perfect or flawless. they fear that any mistakes or shortcomings will lead to judgment or disappointment from others.
relationships: they may attempt to control their relationships by constantly accommodating others' desires, preferences, & expectations. this can create an imbalance in the relationship dynamic & hinder the expression of their authentic selves.
boundaries: people-pleasers may struggle to assert their own boundaries & instead try to control situations by saying "yes" even when they want to say "no." they fear that setting boundaries may lead to conflict or rejection.
self-worth: they may attempt to control their own sense of self-worth by seeking external validation & relying on others' opinions or approval to feel valuable or worthy.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
why it’s important to ask others what they need:
there’s a helpful suggestion (you might have heard) for when someone comes to you with an issue. before we say anything, we can ask them “do you need empathy or strategy right now?” i’ve adapted this into asking if they need us to solve or sit—whether they want me to help problem-solve, or want me to just sit with them in their emotions.
this is an important way we can show up more intentionally for others. it’s also a way we can show up better for ourselves. i’ll explain why:
believing it’s our job to fix someone is a porous boundary. when we jump to solve without first asking if that’s what someone needs, we are violating a boundary by assuming we know what they need. this can cause the other person to feel misunderstood, invalidated, or unsafe.
even further, assuming we know what someone needs can perpetuate a habit of caretaking what isn’t ours to take care of. it isn’t considerate to ourselves—it puts unnecessary responsibility on us & reinforces possible beliefs that we need to guess or predict what others need from us.
try it out! see how you feel & how others react when you ask them what they need from you. it might feel inorganic or vulnerable. it also might lead to deeper connection & understanding.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
4 things we commonly say as people-pleasers & what we are trying to control
“i’m down for anything, i don’t really have a preference!” by agreeing to do whatever others want, people-pleasers might be holding onto control by preventing negative reactions or disappointment from others.
“it’s no big deal, no worries!” by presenting themselves as accommodating & without any inconvenience, people-pleasers might be trying to control acceptance and approval from others.
“i don’t mind. you decide.” by deferring decision making to others, people-pleasers might be trying to maintain a sense of control over how they are perceived by others—instead of the possibility of making the wrong choice or being seen as selfish.
“i’m sorry, it was my fault.” by assuming blame and apologizing excessively (even when it may not be necessary or justified), people-pleasers might be taking control by diffusing tension and maintaining a sense of peace and harmony.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
“thank you” vs. “i’m sorry”
“Thank you” might be a good substitution instead of “I’m sorry”. Here’s why:
The fawn trauma response often elicits feelings of guilt when we are unable to please others. As a result, we come to believe that we’re to blame for situations that we’re a part of. We also might develop a habit of over-apologizing, especially when we aren’t to blame or when an apology isn’t due.
We can replace “I’m sorry” with “thank you” if an apology isn’t actually needed. This not only helps rewire our belief that we’re always to blame, but it acknowledges our appreciation for how others are showing up for us.
Say we drove to pick a friend up & traffic was really bad on our way over. Instead of: “I’m so sorry I’m late!” we might say: “Thank you for being patient!”
Or maybe our partner agreed to come try a new restaurant with us & they didn’t like their food. “I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy the meal” can become “Thank you for being up to try new things with me!”
Or maybe we haven’t talked on the phone with our sibling in a long time—maybe we haven’t had the emotional energy or the time to connect meaningfully with them. “I’m so sorry I’m a horrible sister!” might turn into “Thank you for always being there, even when it’s been awhile.”
We aren’t always to blame. We don’t need to send the message to ourselves or others that we’re at fault when we aren’t.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
earning our worth
As people pleasers we think we need to earn our worth. We have to work to make others feel happy or comfortable so that we are needed and wanted. So when someone is generous towards us in any way, it can feel uncomfortable.
It might seem wrong, like we aren’t worth that generosity or kindness unless we earned it. We might feel indebted to them, or believe that we owe them.
This likely traces back to previous relationships we had, especially in childhood, where we learned our people-pleasing behaviors. Those relationships were transactional: we did something (accommodated someone’s needs, managed others’ emotions, went out of our way to take care of a situation) then we got something in return (acceptance, love, appreciation, recognition).
Those transactional relationships taught us that love is conditional. This conflicts with those moments when we are the recipient of an unconditional action, or receive seemingly unconditional acceptance from others.
We have to remind ourselves that we deserve those actions that are not transactional. We can let ourselves receive without giving something in return. We can accept acceptance, without having to earn it.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
from fawning to freedom: overcoming people pleasing and healing your trauma response
People-pleasing is a common phrase, and perhaps a behavior that is all too common in our own lives. People-pleasing can stem from a trauma response known as fawning—a less common concept. In this post, I’ll explain what fawning is, how it affects us, and how we can overcome it to live a more authentic life.
Introduction to People Pleasing and Fawning Trauma Response
People pleasing is a common behavior where individuals prioritize the needs of others over their own, often at the expense of their mental health and wellbeing. Fawning trauma response is a specific type of people pleasing that is rooted in childhood trauma. It is often seen in individuals who grew up in environments where they had to constantly appease their caregivers to avoid emotional or physical harm.
Fawning is a survival mechanism that helps individuals navigate situations where they feel unsafe or threatened. It involves ingratiating oneself to others, being overly agreeable, and suppressing one's own needs and wants. While fawning may have been helpful in childhood, it can lead to feelings of resentment, anxiety, and low self-esteem in adulthood.
Understanding the Impact of Family of Origin on Our Patterns, Roles, and Beliefs
Our family of origin plays a significant role in shaping our patterns, roles, and beliefs. The way we were raised and the environment we grew up in can influence how we interact with others and view ourselves. In the case of fawning trauma response, individuals who grew up in abusive or neglectful environments may have learned to prioritize the needs of their caregivers over their own.
Children who experience trauma may also develop coping mechanisms, such as fawning, to help them deal with the stress and uncertainty of their environment. These coping mechanisms can become ingrained and carry over into adulthood, even when they are no longer necessary.
Recognizing the Signs and Symptoms of Fawning Trauma Response
Recognizing the signs and symptoms of fawning trauma response is an important step in overcoming people pleasing. Some common signs of fawning include:
Prioritizing the needs of others over your own
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Being overly agreeable
Difficulty saying no
Suppressing emotions and needs
Feeling resentful or angry when others don't reciprocate your efforts
If you find yourself exhibiting these behaviors, it may be a sign that you are engaging in fawning trauma response.
How Fawning Trauma Response Affects Anxiety and Rejection
Fawning trauma response can have a significant impact on one's mental health, particularly anxiety and rejection. When we prioritize the needs of others over our own, we can become hyper-vigilant to signs of potential rejection or disapproval. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress, as we are constantly monitoring our behavior and adjusting to please others.
Additionally, when we engage in fawning, we are often seeking external validation and approval. This can lead to feelings of rejection or low self-worth if our efforts are not reciprocated or appreciated. It is important to recognize that our worth is not tied to the approval of others and that we are deserving of love and respect simply for existing.
Identifying Your Needs and Setting Boundaries
To overcome fawning trauma response, it is essential to identify your own needs and learn how to set boundaries. This can be a challenging process, particularly if you have spent much of your life prioritizing the needs of others. However, it is a necessary step in creating a more fulfilling and authentic life.
Start by reflecting on your own needs and wants. What brings you joy? What are your values and priorities? Once you have a better understanding of your own needs, you can begin to set boundaries with others. This may involve saying no to requests that don't align with your values or taking time for yourself to engage in self-care.
Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable at first, but it is an essential step in reclaiming your own agency and living a more authentic life.
Healing from Fawning Trauma Response and Creating a New Narrative
Healing from fawning trauma response involves recognizing the impact of your childhood experiences on your current patterns and behaviors. It also involves challenging the beliefs and narratives that you have internalized as a result of those experiences.
Working with a therapist can be a helpful way to explore the root causes of your fawning trauma response and develop strategies for healing. It may also involve engaging in self-care practices, such as meditation, journaling, or exercise, that help to cultivate a sense of self-worth and agency.
Creating a new narrative involves reframing your beliefs about yourself and your place in the world. This may involve letting go of old patterns and behaviors that no longer serve you and embracing new ways of being that align with your own values and needs.
Coping Strategies for Overcoming People Pleasing
In addition to identifying your own needs and setting boundaries, there are a number of coping strategies that can help you overcome people pleasing. These include:
Practicing self-compassion and self-care
Developing a support system of individuals who prioritize your own needs and values
Engaging in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment
Challenging negative self-talk and limiting beliefs
Learning to assert yourself and communicate your needs effectively
Resources for Healing and Overcoming People Pleasing
There are a number of resources available for individuals who are looking to heal from fawning trauma response and overcome people pleasing. These include:
Therapy and counseling services
Support groups and online communities
Books and podcasts focused on personal growth and healing
Workshops and training programs focused on assertiveness and boundary-setting
Overcoming People Pleasing in Personal and Professional Relationships
Overcoming people pleasing can be challenging, particularly in personal and professional relationships. It may involve having difficult conversations with loved ones or learning to assert yourself in the workplace. However, it is important to recognize that prioritizing your own needs and values is essential for living a fulfilling and authentic life.
Learning to set boundaries and communicate your needs effectively can help to strengthen your relationships and build deeper connections with others. It may also involve letting go of relationships that no longer serve you or align with your values.
Embracing Freedom and Authenticity
Overcoming people pleasing and fawning trauma response is a challenging but essential step in living a more authentic and fulfilling life. It involves recognizing the impact of our childhood experiences on our current patterns and beliefs, identifying our own needs and setting boundaries, and developing a new narrative that aligns with our own values and priorities.
By embracing freedom and authenticity, we can cultivate a deeper sense of self-worth and agency, build stronger relationships, and create a more fulfilling life for ourselves.
we need to trust people to take care of themselves
As people-pleasers or codependents, we might try to control a lot of things that we don't have control over: how others feel, how others perceive us, or the outcome of a situation.
Managing these things takes a lot of work. We take in every little detail to try to understand how we need to act next.
We listen to someone's tone of voice, we read the changes in their facial expressions, we inspect their body language, we pick up on their general energy.
All of this input gives us clues about what is the best best for us--how we should act in order to control the outcome or someone's resulting emotions.
It is not our responsibility to pick up on all of these clues to act according to what we assume someone's needs. It is not fair of us to assume we know what others need, especially if it is not verbally communicated to us.
It is the responsibility of others to take care of what they need. It is fair of others to verbally communicate to us what they need, if it involves us.
We need to remember that people are capable of managing their own lives and emotions--they don't need us to do that for them. We need to trust others to take care of themselves.
blame vs. accountability
Often, as people-pleasers & codependents, it’s easy to blame ourselves for events or experiences. We believe we are responsible for others’ feelings or the outcome of situations, so when someone is not happy (even after we tried to boost their mood or assume what they needed) or there was an awkward experience, our fingers immediately point inward, towards ourselves.
It is extremely uncomfortable to even think about blaming someone else. It may even seem impossible, since it might not align with our core beliefs or conditions of worth we hold for ourselves. Those beliefs might sound like “I’m always wrong,” “I need to give others what they need in order to receive love,” or “I’m not worthy of unconditional love & acceptance”.
While we want to reach a place where we acknowledge we are not to blame for everything, we also don’t want to be pointing fingers at others, either. This isn’t because it’s unkind—it’s because it gives away our control. When we blame others, we are saying that the problem we have is because of what someone else did to us. It keeps us in a codependent pattern, unable to take back our own power & claim the control we have in our own lives.
On the other hand, accountability is a way to acknowledge what happened and who is responsible. It places responsibility on those who caused harm (whether they meant to or not) and acknowledges that consequences follow actions. It also allows us to keep our power and decide what we want to do about what we have control over, including our actions and our own healing. We remove the codependent patterns, or the dependence on others’ actions.
This applies just as much to blaming ourselves. When we blame ourselves for the outcome of a situation, we are ignoring the capabilities that others have. We are taking a lot of power and control that isn’t all ours by claiming that we are at fault. Instead, when we acknowledge our part in a situation—by taking accountability—we can also see that we are not responsible for things that are not in our control, including others’ feelings or the outcome of an experience.
Pia Mellody distinguishes between blame and accountability in her book “Facing Codependence” and the accompanying workbook, “Breaking Free”.
