“thank you” vs. “i’m sorry”

“Thank you” might be a good substitution instead of “I’m sorry”. Here’s why:

The fawn trauma response often elicits feelings of guilt when we are unable to please others. As a result, we come to believe that we’re to blame for situations that we’re a part of. We also might develop a habit of over-apologizing, especially when we aren’t to blame or when an apology isn’t due.

We can replace “I’m sorry” with “thank you” if an apology isn’t actually needed. This not only helps rewire our belief that we’re always to blame, but it acknowledges our appreciation for how others are showing up for us.

Say we drove to pick a friend up & traffic was really bad on our way over. Instead of: “I’m so sorry I’m late!” we might say: “Thank you for being patient!”

Or maybe our partner agreed to come try a new restaurant with us & they didn’t like their food. “I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy the meal” can become “Thank you for being up to try new things with me!”

Or maybe we haven’t talked on the phone with our sibling in a long time—maybe we haven’t had the emotional energy or the time to connect meaningfully with them. “I’m so sorry I’m a horrible sister!” might turn into “Thank you for always being there, even when it’s been awhile.”

We aren’t always to blame. We don’t need to send the message to ourselves or others that we’re at fault when we aren’t.

*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee