why it’s important to ask others what they need:

there’s a helpful suggestion (you might have heard) for when someone comes to you with an issue. before we say anything, we can ask them “do you need empathy or strategy right now?” i’ve adapted this into asking if they need us to solve or sit—whether they want me to help problem-solve, or want me to just sit with them in their emotions.

this is an important way we can show up more intentionally for others. it’s also a way we can show up better for ourselves. i’ll explain why:

believing it’s our job to fix someone is a porous boundary. when we jump to solve without first asking if that’s what someone needs, we are violating a boundary by assuming we know what they need. this can cause the other person to feel misunderstood, invalidated, or unsafe.

even further, assuming we know what someone needs can perpetuate a habit of caretaking what isn’t ours to take care of. it isn’t considerate to ourselves—it puts unnecessary responsibility on us & reinforces possible beliefs that we need to guess or predict what others need from us.

try it out! see how you feel & how others react when you ask them what they need from you. it might feel inorganic or vulnerable. it also might lead to deeper connection & understanding.

*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee

a recipe for rejection

Sharing our needs can be a recipe for rejection.

When we feel invalidated or unconsidered by someone, it's a chance to communicate our needs to them. We can let them know why we feel hurt.

We can also choose to not tell them why we feel hurt. This is often much easier. This keeps us from experiencing rejection.

Many of us have likely already experienced that recipe for rejection: sharing our needs with another person.

When we share our needs, our needs might be "too much" or we might be making it "a big deal". If we are too much, then we might not be wanted anymore.

It has felt much safer for us to avoid sharing our needs--which, over time, keeps us from acknowledging our needs to ourselves. Because if we acknowledge our needs, that might mean we need to share them...& again, we want to avoid that at all costs.

Healthy & connecting relationships are built on safety. That safety includes a space where we can share our needs with the other person, freely and without judgment.

When we start to assess & acknowledge our needs, we will likely find relationships that no longer serve us. We will see that we don't need the acceptance of some people anymore, because we are starting to accept ourselves & our needs.

We won't fear rejection anymore, because we know our needs & we know that those needs deserve to be heard & met.

acknowledging our needs

For those of us who have a difficult time creating boundaries, we might often believe our boundaries are selfish, causing us to invalidate our own needs.

This belief likely came from previous experiences where we felt invalidated as we expressed our needs to others. This taught us we would not be accepted or loved if we tried to show up for ourselves in a relationship.

As we work to heal those wounds & change those negative beliefs, it is important to remember that in every situation that involves another person, there are two people to consider: the other person & ourselves.

As people pleasers, we have leaned far into the belief that we will be accepted or loved if we ignore our needs & show up for others. We have gotten very good at considering only one person in each situation: the other person.

To start leaning the other way, towards the hopeful belief that we can be loved & accepted even (or especially!) when we acknowledge our needs, we need to first start considering what our needs might be.

This can be very uncomfortable, as we've possibly even forgotten how to tap into our needs: safety meant ignoring those needs & focusing completely on others' needs. that safety brought acceptance & love.

As people pleasers, we often believe we can easily answer "what would the other person want in this situation?" Let's hold onto that question and start to ask it in a different way.

"What would the other person want in this situation? And what would I want in this situation?" How would it look to acknowledge both of those needs? How would it feel?

Let's say a friend asks if we are free. We know they want us to go to a movie with them, so that they're not alone. We know what they want. But what do we want? Maybe we want some alone time, or maybe we don't even want to see that movie.

It's a simple but scary shift to acknowledge our own needs in each situation. But this is the key to validating our needs & creating boundaries. This shift can shape & change our responses, our boundaries & how we show up in our lives.