acknowledging our needs
For those of us who have a difficult time creating boundaries, we might often believe our boundaries are selfish, causing us to invalidate our own needs.
This belief likely came from previous experiences where we felt invalidated as we expressed our needs to others. This taught us we would not be accepted or loved if we tried to show up for ourselves in a relationship.
As we work to heal those wounds & change those negative beliefs, it is important to remember that in every situation that involves another person, there are two people to consider: the other person & ourselves.
As people pleasers, we have leaned far into the belief that we will be accepted or loved if we ignore our needs & show up for others. We have gotten very good at considering only one person in each situation: the other person.
To start leaning the other way, towards the hopeful belief that we can be loved & accepted even (or especially!) when we acknowledge our needs, we need to first start considering what our needs might be.
This can be very uncomfortable, as we've possibly even forgotten how to tap into our needs: safety meant ignoring those needs & focusing completely on others' needs. that safety brought acceptance & love.
As people pleasers, we often believe we can easily answer "what would the other person want in this situation?" Let's hold onto that question and start to ask it in a different way.
"What would the other person want in this situation? And what would I want in this situation?" How would it look to acknowledge both of those needs? How would it feel?
Let's say a friend asks if we are free. We know they want us to go to a movie with them, so that they're not alone. We know what they want. But what do we want? Maybe we want some alone time, or maybe we don't even want to see that movie.
It's a simple but scary shift to acknowledge our own needs in each situation. But this is the key to validating our needs & creating boundaries. This shift can shape & change our responses, our boundaries & how we show up in our lives.
