our What & our Why

Two of the most basic counseling skills we are taught as therapists are Reflection of content & Reflection of meaning. Reflection of content is a response we give to a client that reflects on their content—the What of their story. Reflection of meaning is a response we provide that reflects on the deeper meaning underneath their content—the Why of their story.

For example, if a client shares that they heard about a separate text thread their friends have, a reflection of content—their What—might be: “You found out that there’s a group chat you’re not part of.” The reflection of meaning—their Why—might be: “You feel unwanted.”

Our What’s are the things that happen in our daily experiences; our Why’s are the ways these uniquely impact us because of our inner beliefs about ourselves. Increased self-awareness comes as we feel something come up for us, and instead of only acknowledging our What, showing curiosity to figure out our Why.

Perhaps my sister & I had planned to FaceTime. Then she told me a few minutes before that she was hanging out with a friend & wouldn’t be able to chat anymore. If I started feeling hurt, I could acknowledge my What—that my sister changed our plans. I could also dig deeper and acknowledge my Why—that I felt unconsidered & unimportant.

This awareness & distinction between our What & our Why is also valuable in communicating with others. In this same example, if I responded to my sister: “You can’t just change plans on me!” this would come across differently than “I felt unimportant when you chose other plans over our scheduled FaceTime.”

Sharing our Why is vulnerable: it can feel scary! It also isn’t always appropriate or necessary depending on the Who & our corresponding boundaries. But within a safe context, our Why can allow us to show up more authentically while providing the opportunity for deeper connection with others.

Start to pay attention to What impacts you throughout your day today. Then take it a step further & ask—Why?