how to make a relationship work when someone holds different beliefs than us
in religion, conformity (enmeshment) is encouraged & culturally accepted. it can be hard to find a sense of individuation, since deviating from the norm seem wrong or bring feelings of insecurity, uncertainty, or rejection.
a sense of belonging is necessary to our experience as humans. but sometimes belonging gets confused with conformity. we can find places where we belong without being the same as others. we can make relationships work where others believe differently than we do.
this goes both ways: when someone has changed their religious views, they can still belong within the relationship or community we previously shared with them. and when we change our religious views, we can still belong with & accept those who hold the beliefs we previously held but have shifted from.
we can hold to our individuation by being okay with the fact that we have different needs, feelings, values & experiences than others do—even different beliefs. we can better accept our own differences as we hold space for others’ differences.
Carl Rogers, founder of person-centered therapy, has a few things to say about holding space for others’ differences, since his theory of therapy emphasizes the importance of relationship. he asks questions that we might all ask to reach individuation, belonging, & understanding:
“am i strong enough in my own separateness? is my inner self hardy enough to realize that i exist separately from them with feelings & rights of my own? can i own &, if need be, express my own feelings as something belonging to me & separate from their feelings?”
"am i secure enough within myself to permit them their separateness? can i permit them to be what they are? or do i feel that they should follow my advice, or mold themselves after me?”
we can be separate from others. we don’t have to mold ourselves after one another, or conform in the way religion sometimes encourages us to.
as Rogers says: “when i can freely feel this strength of being a separate person, then i find that i can let myself go much more deeply in understanding & accepting [them] because i am not fearful of losing myself.”
in short: being okay with our own needs & feelings —> accepting that others have their unique needs & feelings —> individuation, not conformity —> deeper understanding & acceptance —> belonging & connecting through our differences.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
invalidating ourselves through justification & excuses
Many of us have learned behaviors of invalidation. When we have felt invalidated by others often enough, we don't believe that our feelings or experience is valid. So we learn to invalidate ourselves, too.
One of the ways we invalidate ourselves is by justifying, excusing, or even over-validating others. This can look many different ways.
If someone forgot our birthday, maybe we justify their actions (or lack of actions) by saying "I'm sure they have a lot going on."
If our friend canceled plans on us at the last minute, maybe we excuse their actions by saying "I wasn't really feeling up to hanging out anyways."
If a family member says something unkind to us, maybe we over-validate their experience by saying "I know they had a really rough day at work."
These behaviors neglect our experience & keeps us from validating our feelings: that we felt forgotten, unimportant, or mistreated.
When we catch ourselves justifying someone else's actions, we can reframe it as well-intended empathy. Then we can extend the same empathy to ourselves.
Our friend forgot our birthday? Maybe they have a lot going on. AND we can acknowledge that we also feel forgotten that we didn't get a happy birthday message.
We don't want to lose that generosity we are extending to others' experiences. We also don't want to keep it from extending generosity towards our own experience, too.
a recipe for rejection
Sharing our needs can be a recipe for rejection.
When we feel invalidated or unconsidered by someone, it's a chance to communicate our needs to them. We can let them know why we feel hurt.
We can also choose to not tell them why we feel hurt. This is often much easier. This keeps us from experiencing rejection.
Many of us have likely already experienced that recipe for rejection: sharing our needs with another person.
When we share our needs, our needs might be "too much" or we might be making it "a big deal". If we are too much, then we might not be wanted anymore.
It has felt much safer for us to avoid sharing our needs--which, over time, keeps us from acknowledging our needs to ourselves. Because if we acknowledge our needs, that might mean we need to share them...& again, we want to avoid that at all costs.
Healthy & connecting relationships are built on safety. That safety includes a space where we can share our needs with the other person, freely and without judgment.
When we start to assess & acknowledge our needs, we will likely find relationships that no longer serve us. We will see that we don't need the acceptance of some people anymore, because we are starting to accept ourselves & our needs.
We won't fear rejection anymore, because we know our needs & we know that those needs deserve to be heard & met.
human beings, not human doings
We often believe we are only wanted or loved for the things we can do or provide in relationships. Carl Rogers called this a “condition of worth” in his theory of Person-centered counseling. A condition of worth is almost like a formula, or a fill-in-the-blank:
“I need to _________* in order to feel loved.”
* be happy
* take care of others
* make others laugh
* keep the peace
* not be needy
Our individual conditions of worth guide our everyday decisions & actions. These beliefs don’t flow through our minds as conscious thoughts: we are not constantly thinking “I need to be happy in order to feel loved” as we go throughout our day. Instead, these beliefs are so engrained in us that they provide the subconscious structure for how we show up in the world in order to gain acceptance or worth. In other words, they are the false beliefs that we need to be doing something in order to be loved; we cannot just simply be loved for who we are.
So how do we go about removing these false beliefs? Awareness of our conditions of worth is an important first step, allowing us to explore & understand where these beliefs came from. Once we make sense of the painful beginnings where we started putting ourselves into boxes—or put a condition on our worth—we are beginning the process of validating our experience. Validating our experience allows us to take back power. As we validate ourselves--including our needs, our wants, our worth--we can slowly remove the conditions on our worth as we remind ourselves we can be loved regardless of what we do or provide in our relationships. We are all worthy of love & connection just as we are—we are human beings, not human doings.
