human beings, not human doings

We often believe we are only wanted or loved for the things we can do or provide in relationships. Carl Rogers called this a “condition of worth” in his theory of Person-centered counseling. A condition of worth is almost like a formula, or a fill-in-the-blank:

“I need to _________* in order to feel loved.”

* be happy
* take care of others
* make others laugh
* keep the peace
* not be needy

Our individual conditions of worth guide our everyday decisions & actions. These beliefs don’t flow through our minds as conscious thoughts: we are not constantly thinking “I need to be happy in order to feel loved” as we go throughout our day. Instead, these beliefs are so engrained in us that they provide the subconscious structure for how we show up in the world in order to gain acceptance or worth. In other words, they are the false beliefs that we need to be doing something in order to be loved; we cannot just simply be loved for who we are.

So how do we go about removing these false beliefs? Awareness of our conditions of worth is an important first step, allowing us to explore & understand where these beliefs came from. Once we make sense of the painful beginnings where we started putting ourselves into boxes—or put a condition on our worth—we are beginning the process of validating our experience. Validating our experience allows us to take back power. As we validate ourselves--including our needs, our wants, our worth--we can slowly remove the conditions on our worth as we remind ourselves we can be loved regardless of what we do or provide in our relationships. We are all worthy of love & connection just as we are—we are human beings, not human doings.