8 areas in which we might gain a sense of identity upon leaving religion
self-exploration
leaving religion provides an opportunity for individuals to explore their personal beliefs, values, and philosophies independent of religious dogma. engaging in introspection, questioning, and seeking knowledge from various sources can help individuals discover their authentic selves.
freedom of thought
departing from religious constraints allows individuals to embrace critical thinking, skepticism, and intellectual curiosity. they can explore diverse perspectives, engage in open-minded discussions, and form their own informed opinions, fostering intellectual growth and personal identity development.
personal values & ethics
as individuals distance themselves from religious teachings, they have the chance to reevaluate and establish their own personal values and ethics. they can examine what truly resonates with them, consider principles of empathy, compassion, and social justice, and align their actions with their authentic moral compass.
embracing individuality
leaving religion encourages individuals to celebrate their unique identities, including their personality traits, interests, and talents. they can embrace their passions, hobbies, and aspirations without the limitations imposed by religious expectations, allowing their individuality to flourish.
building supportive relationships
leaving religion can involve reevaluating social connections and cultivating relationships based on shared values, interests, and mutual support. joining secular or non-religious communities, participating in interest-based groups, or connecting with like-minded individuals can foster a sense of belonging and provide a supportive network.
self-trust & autonomy
as individuals detach from religious authority, they learn to trust their own judgment, intuition, and decision-making abilities. embracing personal autonomy allows for the exploration of individual choices and the development of a strong sense of self.
seeking knowledge & growth
leaving religion often sparks a thirst for knowledge and personal growth. individuals may engage in reading, attending lectures, exploring different philosophical and spiritual traditions, and expanding their understanding of the world. this intellectual curiosity contributes to personal development and identity formation.
embracing life’s journey
leaving religion opens doors to a broader perspective on life's meaning and purpose. individuals can find solace and inspiration in embracing the journey itself, focusing on personal growth, and finding joy in the present moment rather than relying on predefined religious narratives.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
8 areas in which we might gain a sense of identity within a religious context
belief & purpose
establishing a religious identity often begins with a personal belief and faith in the teachings, principles, and doctrines of the religion. embracing these beliefs can provide individuals with a sense of purpose, meaning, and a foundation for their identity.
community & belonging
religious communities offer a sense of belonging and social connection. engaging in communal rituals, participating in religious services, and forming relationships with like-minded individuals can contribute to a strong identity.
shared values & moral framework
religions often provide a moral framework and a set of values that guide individuals' choices and behaviors. embracing and aligning with these shared values can help shape one's identity and provide a sense of moral grounding.
rituals & practices
engaging in religious rituals, such as prayer, meditation, fasting, or attending religious ceremonies, can foster a connection to one's religious identity. these practices offer a sense of continuity, tradition, and spiritual experience that contribute to an individual's sense of self, both within the religious context & sometimes outside of if as well.
spiritual experiences
experiencing moments of spiritual connection, transcendence, or divine revelation can strengthen an individual's religious identity. these experiences can deepen their faith, reinforce their beliefs, and provide a personal sense of connection to something greater than themselves.
education & study
engaging in religious education, studying religious texts, and exploring theological concepts can contribute to the development and reinforcement of one's religious identity. gaining knowledge and understanding of religious teachings allows individuals to identify with and articulate their beliefs.
service
religions often emphasize the importance of service and charitable acts. engaging in acts of kindness, social justice, or community service based on religious teachings can provide individuals with a sense of purpose, fulfillment, and a deeper connection to themselves & others.
role models
role models, such as religious leaders or figures, can inspire and shape an individual's religious identity. their teachings, guidance, and embodiment of religious values can influence how individuals perceive themselves within the religious framework.
it's important to note that establishing a religious identity is a deeply personal and individual journey. while these aspects can contribute to a sense of identity within a religious context, individuals may prioritize different elements or find their own unique expressions of religious identity.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
8 areas in which we may experience a loss of identity upon leaving religion
loss of belief structure
leaving religion often means stepping away from a well-defined belief structure that provides a sense of purpose, meaning, and identity. as individuals let go of religious doctrines and practices, they may initially struggle to find new sources of meaning and direction, which can result in a sense of identity loss.
disconnect from community
religion often provides a strong sense of community and belonging. leaving a religious community can lead to a significant loss of social connections, support networks, and a sense of belonging. the absence of these communal ties can leave individuals feeling adrift and disconnected, contributing to a sense of identity loss.
reevaluation of beliefs & values
leaving religion prompts a reevaluation of one's values, beliefs, and moral compass. it involves questioning previously held convictions and exploring alternative perspectives. this process of self-discovery and redefining one's worldview can create a sense of uncertainty and ambiguity, temporarily impacting a person's sense of identity.
grief & emotional turmoil
leaving religion can trigger a grieving process as individuals mourn the loss of familiar rituals, a sense of divine purpose, or the hope of an afterlife. this grieving process may involve a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, confusion, and fear, which can temporarily overshadow one's sense of self and identity.
rediscovering personal autonomy
leaving religion often involves reclaiming personal autonomy and the freedom to define one's own beliefs and values. however, this newfound autonomy can also be overwhelming and disorienting. individuals may grapple with decision-making, defining their own moral framework, and taking responsibility for their lives, which can temporarily impact their sense of identity.
loss of ritual & symbolism
religion often provides a framework of rituals, ceremonies, and symbolic practices that offer a sense of structure and meaning. upon leaving religion, individuals may feel a void or loss of familiar rituals that once shaped their identity and provided a sense of connection to something larger than themselves.
rebuilding personal narrative
leaving religion may require individuals to reconstruct their personal narrative and life story. the narratives and identities that were once tied to religious beliefs and roles (such as being a believer, follower, or servant) may need to be reevaluated and reimagined. this process of redefining oneself can be challenging and may involve exploring new narratives and self-identifications.
shifting relationships & social dynamics
leaving religion can strain or alter relationships with family members, friends, or community members who remain within the religious framework. these shifts in relationships and social dynamics can impact an individual's sense of identity, as they may need to renegotiate their roles and find new sources of connection and support outside of their religious community.
it's important to note that these experiences can vary greatly depending on the specific religious context and individual circumstances—they are not universal. however, recognizing and addressing these challenges can be crucial in reclaiming and nurturing one's own authentic identity outside of religious constraints.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
8 areas in which we might experience a loss of identity within a religious context
suppression of authenticity: in some religious settings, there may be pressure to conform to a specific set of beliefs, behaviors, or roles. this can lead to individuals suppressing or denying their true selves in order to fit into the perceived expectations of the religious community. as a result, they may lose touch with their authentic identity and struggle to express their true thoughts, emotions, and desires.
external validation: reliance on external validation can contribute to a loss of identity. when a person's sense of self-worth is solely dependent on meeting religious standards or seeking approval from religious leaders or community members, they may neglect their own values, aspirations, and personal growth. this constant pursuit of external validation can erode their individuality and hinder the development of a strong and authentic identity.
imposed identity narratives: religious teachings or doctrines may prescribe specific identities or roles based on gender, sexual orientation, or other aspects of personal identity. when individuals are required to conform to these imposed narratives without room for exploration or self-expression, they may lose the opportunity to discover and embrace their own unique identity. this can lead to a sense of internal conflict and a disconnection from their true selves.
emotional coercion: emotional coercion within religious contexts can significantly impact a person's sense of identity. the use of guilt, fear, or shame as tools to control behavior and beliefs can lead individuals to abandon their own values, intuition, and personal convictions. this loss of autonomy and authentic self-expression can result in a diminished sense of identity and a struggle to differentiate between one's own desires and the expectations imposed by the religious community.
doctrine over personal experience: in some religious contexts, personal experiences and perspectives may be minimized or invalidated in favor of adhering strictly to religious doctrines. this can lead to a loss of personal identity as individuals are discouraged from questioning or critically examining their beliefs and experiences. their own thoughts and feelings may be overshadowed by the prescribed teachings, resulting in a disconnection from their true selves.
dichotomous thinking: religious teachings often promote a black-and-white, all-or-nothing mentality, leaving little room for individual exploration or nuance. this dichotomous thinking can inhibit individuals from embracing their complex identities and engaging in critical self-reflection and growth.
loss of autonomy: religious structures and hierarchies can exert significant control over individuals' lives, decision-making processes, and personal autonomy. this loss of autonomy can manifest in various ways, such as restricted freedom of expression, limited choice in matters of personal importance, or feeling coerced into adhering to religious practices that may not resonate with one's authentic self. this loss of control over one's life and choices can contribute to a diminished sense of personal identity.
disconnect from personal values: when religious teachings or practices overshadow personal values and beliefs, individuals may lose touch with their own moral compass and sense of purpose. they may prioritize external rules and doctrines over their own internal guiding principles, leading to a disconnection from their core identity and the values that truly resonate with them. this dissonance can create confusion, inner conflict, and a loss of personal identity.
it's important to note that these experiences can vary greatly depending on the specific religious context and individual circumstances—they are not universal. however, recognizing and addressing these challenges can be crucial in reclaiming and nurturing one's own authentic identity outside of religious constraints.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
individuation
Do you crave being different? Do you try to find something that sets you apart from others? Do you find yourself pushing against the norm for no clear reason?
This could be an indication that you value individuation. If you were raised in a conservative religion, that might play a part in it.
Within conservative religions, there is a lot of enmeshment. This enmeshment brings conformity—everyone seems to act the same, think the same, be the same. But maybe you’re tired of being the same.
If you find yourself pushing away from the norm, you may be seeking or needing a sense of individuation. Individuation is defined as “the development of the individual from the universal.” Individuation is an important factor in cultivating our identity, & it can also be a unique value that we hold.
Whether we are in religion or out of it, we can choose to align our lives with that value of individuation. As we create boundaries, learn more about ourselves & listen to our needs, we can foster our sense of individuation.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
what roles do we take on?
In my previous post, I talked about conditions of worth. These conditions of worth can also be called a “role-self,” defined by Lindsay C. Gibson in her book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” Essentially, these two related terms define the experience when we feel valued for what we are doing, not for who we are. As I mentioned in the previous post, once we have put a condition on our worth, we begin living under the false belief that we must be doing something in our relationships in order to receive love. Unfortunately though, this is not sustainable & while the condition (or formula) feels safe, it is not a way for us to live authentically. In essence, as Gibson says in her book, “unconditional love cannot be bought by conditional behavior.” As we continue to show up a certain way in order to feel loved or accepted, we are perpetuating an inauthentic relationship—we are not showing up as ourselves (we are taking on a role—or playing a role-self) & we are not receiving unconditional love, since we are acting transactionally (trying to “buy” love through our behavior).
The following are some questions you might begin to ask yourself to explore your conditions of worth (or your role-self). As you figure out how you show up in relationships in order to receive love, you can start to challenge why you believe you have to show up that way.
1. How do I want others to view me in my relationships? What image do I try to maintain?
2. Is there anything I complain about doing in most of my relationships? If so, what is it?
3. When do I feel guilty in relationships? What do I do to try to avoid that guilt?
4. What do I wish others would do for me in relationships? What do I wish others would ask me?
5. What trait do I have that seems to be undervalued or unrecognized in my relationships?
human beings, not human doings
We often believe we are only wanted or loved for the things we can do or provide in relationships. Carl Rogers called this a “condition of worth” in his theory of Person-centered counseling. A condition of worth is almost like a formula, or a fill-in-the-blank:
“I need to _________* in order to feel loved.”
* be happy
* take care of others
* make others laugh
* keep the peace
* not be needy
Our individual conditions of worth guide our everyday decisions & actions. These beliefs don’t flow through our minds as conscious thoughts: we are not constantly thinking “I need to be happy in order to feel loved” as we go throughout our day. Instead, these beliefs are so engrained in us that they provide the subconscious structure for how we show up in the world in order to gain acceptance or worth. In other words, they are the false beliefs that we need to be doing something in order to be loved; we cannot just simply be loved for who we are.
So how do we go about removing these false beliefs? Awareness of our conditions of worth is an important first step, allowing us to explore & understand where these beliefs came from. Once we make sense of the painful beginnings where we started putting ourselves into boxes—or put a condition on our worth—we are beginning the process of validating our experience. Validating our experience allows us to take back power. As we validate ourselves--including our needs, our wants, our worth--we can slowly remove the conditions on our worth as we remind ourselves we can be loved regardless of what we do or provide in our relationships. We are all worthy of love & connection just as we are—we are human beings, not human doings.
values vs. roles
We all have values. From security to risk-taking, community to independence, & peace to power, these values shape who we are. I find that asking clients to identify their values provides them with a sense of identity & provides us (within the therapeutic relationship) a foundation to work from as we examine & explore their life experiences.
When an experience doesn't sit well with us, we might ask: was I moving towards or away from my values? When we feel proud of how we responded in a strained moment, we might ask: what value was I leaning into? When we are reevaluating a boundary, we might ask: how does this align with my values?
As a people lover, my list of values includes connection, empathy, love, & altruism, to name a few. As a people pleaser, these quickly shift from being values to becoming a role I play. Sometimes, I am caretaking as a value. And other times, I am caretaking as a role--it fulfills a need, allowing me to feel worthy of love as I pay my dues, in the currency of my values.
The trick is for us to note when this shift happens. We all have our own patchwork quit of values & we all have our own alert system to let us know when we are stepping away from those values. Whether we feel it in our gut, or whether we notice ourselves behaving inauthentically, becoming aware of those moments when we cross the line can be beneficial & even crucial to our growth.
So pause with me at some moment today & ask: Am I acting from a place of my values or am I acting out a role?
(Brene Brown has a wonderful list of values: https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values)
