9 signs of enmeshment in religious environments
9 signs of enmeshment (lack of boundaries) in religious environments & what they sound like:
overinvolvement in others’ personal lives: "i can't say no when someone asks for my help, even if it overwhelms me."
sacrificing personal needs for religious obligations: "fulfilling my calling (or other religious duties) takes up so much of my time”
pressure to conform to rigid religious expectations: "i’m afraid of being judged or told i’m wrong if i express my opinions that are different than what my church teaches."
lack of privacy and personal boundaries: "i feel uncomfortable thinking of the questions that will be asked in my upcoming temple recommend interview."
absence of individual identity outside of the religious community: "i’m tired of how everyone at church has the same interests & ideas but outside of my congregation i don’t have any other friends to spend time with."
guilt or shame for questioning or leaving the religious community: "i can't explore different perspectives or consider leaving because it's seen as a betrayal or sinful."
inadequate autonomy in decision-making: "i can't make important life choices without asking my parents for advice since they are able to receive revelation for me."
emotional dependency on religious leaders or figures: "i don’t know what to do about my job offer. i need to pray about it & go to the temple to try to receive an answer."
difficulty setting boundaries with intrusive religious practices: "i feel trapped because i have to conform to strict religious practices (like attending church each sunday), even if they cause me discomfort or stress."
not everyone experiences religious enmeshment in the same way. however, it is essential to reflect on our experiences, ensuring we maintain a sense of autonomy & establish healthy boundaries. by examining the influence of religion on our lives, we empower ourselves to navigate our spiritual journey with a balanced perspective as we embrace our personal beliefs & challenge unhealthy dynamics.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
8 areas in which we might gain a sense of identity upon leaving religion
self-exploration
leaving religion provides an opportunity for individuals to explore their personal beliefs, values, and philosophies independent of religious dogma. engaging in introspection, questioning, and seeking knowledge from various sources can help individuals discover their authentic selves.
freedom of thought
departing from religious constraints allows individuals to embrace critical thinking, skepticism, and intellectual curiosity. they can explore diverse perspectives, engage in open-minded discussions, and form their own informed opinions, fostering intellectual growth and personal identity development.
personal values & ethics
as individuals distance themselves from religious teachings, they have the chance to reevaluate and establish their own personal values and ethics. they can examine what truly resonates with them, consider principles of empathy, compassion, and social justice, and align their actions with their authentic moral compass.
embracing individuality
leaving religion encourages individuals to celebrate their unique identities, including their personality traits, interests, and talents. they can embrace their passions, hobbies, and aspirations without the limitations imposed by religious expectations, allowing their individuality to flourish.
building supportive relationships
leaving religion can involve reevaluating social connections and cultivating relationships based on shared values, interests, and mutual support. joining secular or non-religious communities, participating in interest-based groups, or connecting with like-minded individuals can foster a sense of belonging and provide a supportive network.
self-trust & autonomy
as individuals detach from religious authority, they learn to trust their own judgment, intuition, and decision-making abilities. embracing personal autonomy allows for the exploration of individual choices and the development of a strong sense of self.
seeking knowledge & growth
leaving religion often sparks a thirst for knowledge and personal growth. individuals may engage in reading, attending lectures, exploring different philosophical and spiritual traditions, and expanding their understanding of the world. this intellectual curiosity contributes to personal development and identity formation.
embracing life’s journey
leaving religion opens doors to a broader perspective on life's meaning and purpose. individuals can find solace and inspiration in embracing the journey itself, focusing on personal growth, and finding joy in the present moment rather than relying on predefined religious narratives.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
8 areas in which we might gain a sense of identity within a religious context
belief & purpose
establishing a religious identity often begins with a personal belief and faith in the teachings, principles, and doctrines of the religion. embracing these beliefs can provide individuals with a sense of purpose, meaning, and a foundation for their identity.
community & belonging
religious communities offer a sense of belonging and social connection. engaging in communal rituals, participating in religious services, and forming relationships with like-minded individuals can contribute to a strong identity.
shared values & moral framework
religions often provide a moral framework and a set of values that guide individuals' choices and behaviors. embracing and aligning with these shared values can help shape one's identity and provide a sense of moral grounding.
rituals & practices
engaging in religious rituals, such as prayer, meditation, fasting, or attending religious ceremonies, can foster a connection to one's religious identity. these practices offer a sense of continuity, tradition, and spiritual experience that contribute to an individual's sense of self, both within the religious context & sometimes outside of if as well.
spiritual experiences
experiencing moments of spiritual connection, transcendence, or divine revelation can strengthen an individual's religious identity. these experiences can deepen their faith, reinforce their beliefs, and provide a personal sense of connection to something greater than themselves.
education & study
engaging in religious education, studying religious texts, and exploring theological concepts can contribute to the development and reinforcement of one's religious identity. gaining knowledge and understanding of religious teachings allows individuals to identify with and articulate their beliefs.
service
religions often emphasize the importance of service and charitable acts. engaging in acts of kindness, social justice, or community service based on religious teachings can provide individuals with a sense of purpose, fulfillment, and a deeper connection to themselves & others.
role models
role models, such as religious leaders or figures, can inspire and shape an individual's religious identity. their teachings, guidance, and embodiment of religious values can influence how individuals perceive themselves within the religious framework.
it's important to note that establishing a religious identity is a deeply personal and individual journey. while these aspects can contribute to a sense of identity within a religious context, individuals may prioritize different elements or find their own unique expressions of religious identity.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
8 areas in which we may experience a loss of identity upon leaving religion
loss of belief structure
leaving religion often means stepping away from a well-defined belief structure that provides a sense of purpose, meaning, and identity. as individuals let go of religious doctrines and practices, they may initially struggle to find new sources of meaning and direction, which can result in a sense of identity loss.
disconnect from community
religion often provides a strong sense of community and belonging. leaving a religious community can lead to a significant loss of social connections, support networks, and a sense of belonging. the absence of these communal ties can leave individuals feeling adrift and disconnected, contributing to a sense of identity loss.
reevaluation of beliefs & values
leaving religion prompts a reevaluation of one's values, beliefs, and moral compass. it involves questioning previously held convictions and exploring alternative perspectives. this process of self-discovery and redefining one's worldview can create a sense of uncertainty and ambiguity, temporarily impacting a person's sense of identity.
grief & emotional turmoil
leaving religion can trigger a grieving process as individuals mourn the loss of familiar rituals, a sense of divine purpose, or the hope of an afterlife. this grieving process may involve a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, confusion, and fear, which can temporarily overshadow one's sense of self and identity.
rediscovering personal autonomy
leaving religion often involves reclaiming personal autonomy and the freedom to define one's own beliefs and values. however, this newfound autonomy can also be overwhelming and disorienting. individuals may grapple with decision-making, defining their own moral framework, and taking responsibility for their lives, which can temporarily impact their sense of identity.
loss of ritual & symbolism
religion often provides a framework of rituals, ceremonies, and symbolic practices that offer a sense of structure and meaning. upon leaving religion, individuals may feel a void or loss of familiar rituals that once shaped their identity and provided a sense of connection to something larger than themselves.
rebuilding personal narrative
leaving religion may require individuals to reconstruct their personal narrative and life story. the narratives and identities that were once tied to religious beliefs and roles (such as being a believer, follower, or servant) may need to be reevaluated and reimagined. this process of redefining oneself can be challenging and may involve exploring new narratives and self-identifications.
shifting relationships & social dynamics
leaving religion can strain or alter relationships with family members, friends, or community members who remain within the religious framework. these shifts in relationships and social dynamics can impact an individual's sense of identity, as they may need to renegotiate their roles and find new sources of connection and support outside of their religious community.
it's important to note that these experiences can vary greatly depending on the specific religious context and individual circumstances—they are not universal. however, recognizing and addressing these challenges can be crucial in reclaiming and nurturing one's own authentic identity outside of religious constraints.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
8 areas in which we might experience a loss of identity within a religious context
suppression of authenticity: in some religious settings, there may be pressure to conform to a specific set of beliefs, behaviors, or roles. this can lead to individuals suppressing or denying their true selves in order to fit into the perceived expectations of the religious community. as a result, they may lose touch with their authentic identity and struggle to express their true thoughts, emotions, and desires.
external validation: reliance on external validation can contribute to a loss of identity. when a person's sense of self-worth is solely dependent on meeting religious standards or seeking approval from religious leaders or community members, they may neglect their own values, aspirations, and personal growth. this constant pursuit of external validation can erode their individuality and hinder the development of a strong and authentic identity.
imposed identity narratives: religious teachings or doctrines may prescribe specific identities or roles based on gender, sexual orientation, or other aspects of personal identity. when individuals are required to conform to these imposed narratives without room for exploration or self-expression, they may lose the opportunity to discover and embrace their own unique identity. this can lead to a sense of internal conflict and a disconnection from their true selves.
emotional coercion: emotional coercion within religious contexts can significantly impact a person's sense of identity. the use of guilt, fear, or shame as tools to control behavior and beliefs can lead individuals to abandon their own values, intuition, and personal convictions. this loss of autonomy and authentic self-expression can result in a diminished sense of identity and a struggle to differentiate between one's own desires and the expectations imposed by the religious community.
doctrine over personal experience: in some religious contexts, personal experiences and perspectives may be minimized or invalidated in favor of adhering strictly to religious doctrines. this can lead to a loss of personal identity as individuals are discouraged from questioning or critically examining their beliefs and experiences. their own thoughts and feelings may be overshadowed by the prescribed teachings, resulting in a disconnection from their true selves.
dichotomous thinking: religious teachings often promote a black-and-white, all-or-nothing mentality, leaving little room for individual exploration or nuance. this dichotomous thinking can inhibit individuals from embracing their complex identities and engaging in critical self-reflection and growth.
loss of autonomy: religious structures and hierarchies can exert significant control over individuals' lives, decision-making processes, and personal autonomy. this loss of autonomy can manifest in various ways, such as restricted freedom of expression, limited choice in matters of personal importance, or feeling coerced into adhering to religious practices that may not resonate with one's authentic self. this loss of control over one's life and choices can contribute to a diminished sense of personal identity.
disconnect from personal values: when religious teachings or practices overshadow personal values and beliefs, individuals may lose touch with their own moral compass and sense of purpose. they may prioritize external rules and doctrines over their own internal guiding principles, leading to a disconnection from their core identity and the values that truly resonate with them. this dissonance can create confusion, inner conflict, and a loss of personal identity.
it's important to note that these experiences can vary greatly depending on the specific religious context and individual circumstances—they are not universal. however, recognizing and addressing these challenges can be crucial in reclaiming and nurturing one's own authentic identity outside of religious constraints.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
5 codependent behaviors that can be encouraged through religion:
religion is diverse & can be interpreted & practiced in various ways. while some aspects of religion may foster healthy relationships & personal growth, certain teachings or interpretations can inadvertently reinforce codependent behaviors in individuals. here are some examples
sacrificing personal needs for the sake of others. selflessness, when taken to an extreme, can reinforce the tendency to prioritize others’ needs above one’s own. this can lead to neglecting personal boundaries & well-being.
enabling unhealthy behaviors. in religious contexts, forgiveness & compassion are often valued virtues. however, when taken to an extreme, these teachings can inadvertently enable or tolerate harmful behaviors in relationships, leading to a pattern of codependency & enabling.
unquestioning obedience & submission. religious teachings that emphasize unquestioning obedience or submission to authority figures or religious doctrines can discourage critical thinking & autonomy. this can contribute to a codependent dynamic where individuals may suppress their own needs, thoughts, & feelings to conform to perceived expectations.
guilt & shame surrounding self-care. some religious teachings may emphasize self-denial or label self-care practices as selfish or sinful. this can instill guilt & shame in individuals who prioritize their own well-being, potentially reinforcing codependent tendencies & self-neglect.
overemphasis on external validation. certain religious teachings may place a heavy emphasis on seeking validation, approval, & salvation from external sources such as religious figures or institutions. this can reinforce codependent behaviors by fostering a reliance on external validation & a diminished sense of self-worth.
it’s important to note that not all religious teachings or practices promote codependency, & individuals may interpret & apply religious teachings in ways that are healthy & empowering. it’s essential to engage in critical thinking & self-reflection—above all, making sure we don’t lose our individuation, autonomy & self-trust.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
rituals & religion
Why we miss religious rituals & how we can make rituals work for us:
Rituals are an integral part of religion. Temple ceremonies, celebrating holidays, attending church or studying the scriptures are all examples of rituals we might practice in religion. They are also examples of rituals we might stop practicing when we shift in our religious or spiritual beliefs.
To some, there might be feelings of relief--no looking back--when rituals end. To others, complicated feelings of grief & longing might come up. This makes a lot of sense--rituals provide us with comfort & meaning.
Rituals provide us with comfort. Engaging in routine gives us structure & predictability--something our brains crave. Compared to the other parts of our unpredictable & stressful lives, carrying out rituals gives us a sense of safety & control (& can actually lower our anxiety).
Rituals provide us with meaning. Rituals have a purpose, & even if the religious purpose is removed, we might find that we engaged in those rituals for other purposes, too. This is best explored in terms of our values. Perhaps going to church aligned with our value of community. Maybe holidays brought us closer to our values of fun or joy. If we attended the temple regularly with friends or our partner, that might have moved us closer to our value of connection. And studying the scriptures could have aligned with values such as knowledge or wisdom.
If you find yourself missing rituals when the time comes around that you would normally engage in them, check in with yourself. Perhaps your body is simply missing the consistency & calm: the comfort that came through the ritual. If so, see how you can adapt a routine into your life that feels authentic & gives you reprieve from the rest of your schedule.
Perhaps you are missing something more--the meaning the ritual provided you as it moved you closer to your values. If that's the case, see how you can take that value & put it into a new ritual instead. Maybe you plan a weekly movie night with friends for community or connection. Or maybe you end your night by reading a book or watching a docuseries, for wisdom. Or maybe you look up new holidays to celebrate & to bring fun & joy into your calendar year.
If you are transitioning in your faith, it's okay to leave rituals behind that no longer serve you. It's also okay to keep some (or all) of the rituals you follow. And of course, it's okay to find ways to make new rituals in your life, to take religion out of the ritual.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
redefining, reclaiming & reframing
how to redefine, reclaim & reframe (within religion or after leaving religion):
exploring & examining our beliefs is a healthy & normal part of being human. when we explore our beliefs, something beautiful happens: we get the chance to reclaim our power as we redefine terms & reframe our experience.
things that once were
“good” or “bad,”
“right” or “wrong,”
“righteous” or “unrighteous”
can have entirely different labels, according to how we feel. some possible phrases we might use to reframe or redefine:
this works for me
this doesn’t work for me
this resonates with me
this doesn’t resonate with me
this aligns with my values
this doesn’t align with my values
this makes sense to me
this doesn’t make sense to me
this brings me comfort, excitement, happiness
this brings me confusion, pain
this is something I need
this is something I don’t need
this is healthy for me
this is unhealthy for me
this is how I want to live my life
this is not how I want to live my life
while these examples look black & white due to the opposing phrases provided, each of these bring gray into our experience because it brings US into our experience. these examples of reframe are based on our own opinions, needs & feelings, not some external standard, definition, or teaching.
if we want to reach for even more gray through embracing the possibility of change (versus finality), we can add words like “in this season,” “currently” or “right now”:
“this brings me confusion in my current season”
“this is something I need right now”
“this currently doesn’t align with my values”
we hold the power to redefine, reframe & reclaim our life experiences.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
how to make a relationship work when someone holds different beliefs than us
in religion, conformity (enmeshment) is encouraged & culturally accepted. it can be hard to find a sense of individuation, since deviating from the norm seem wrong or bring feelings of insecurity, uncertainty, or rejection.
a sense of belonging is necessary to our experience as humans. but sometimes belonging gets confused with conformity. we can find places where we belong without being the same as others. we can make relationships work where others believe differently than we do.
this goes both ways: when someone has changed their religious views, they can still belong within the relationship or community we previously shared with them. and when we change our religious views, we can still belong with & accept those who hold the beliefs we previously held but have shifted from.
we can hold to our individuation by being okay with the fact that we have different needs, feelings, values & experiences than others do—even different beliefs. we can better accept our own differences as we hold space for others’ differences.
Carl Rogers, founder of person-centered therapy, has a few things to say about holding space for others’ differences, since his theory of therapy emphasizes the importance of relationship. he asks questions that we might all ask to reach individuation, belonging, & understanding:
“am i strong enough in my own separateness? is my inner self hardy enough to realize that i exist separately from them with feelings & rights of my own? can i own &, if need be, express my own feelings as something belonging to me & separate from their feelings?”
"am i secure enough within myself to permit them their separateness? can i permit them to be what they are? or do i feel that they should follow my advice, or mold themselves after me?”
we can be separate from others. we don’t have to mold ourselves after one another, or conform in the way religion sometimes encourages us to.
as Rogers says: “when i can freely feel this strength of being a separate person, then i find that i can let myself go much more deeply in understanding & accepting [them] because i am not fearful of losing myself.”
in short: being okay with our own needs & feelings —> accepting that others have their unique needs & feelings —> individuation, not conformity —> deeper understanding & acceptance —> belonging & connecting through our differences.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
religion & our locus of evaluation
Religion can impact our locus of evaluation. Here’s what this means:
According to Carl Rogers, there are two ways in which we evaluate ourselves & make judgments: internally or externally.
An internal locus of evaluation means that we assess the world & judge ourselves based on our own internal values & intuition. An external locus of evaluation means we look externally to determine what we think about ourselves.
We are taught through experience that looking externally feels safer: when we gauge our performance or make our decisions based on what others would do or what we are told is “right,” we have a greater chance of success, belonging & acceptance.
Since an internal locus of evaluation threatens that acceptance & belonging, we can easily lose sense of our intuition. We forget what we think is best & we forget how to listen to our gut when we are faced with a choice.
This is especially pertinent when religion is added to the mix. Religion is our moral compass or our deeply ingrained external locus of evaluation—we look to what we are taught by leaders, scriptures, & lessons to know how to act & what to be.
It feels simple & easy to go along with whatever we are told to do. But this not only keeps us from developing an internal locus of evaluation, it keeps us in an external perspective, always thinking of what others would do.
This external locus of evaluation can keep us in a state of comparison & a judgmental mindset. This might bring constant awareness that others are also looking to us with that same comparison & judgment (also known as hypervigilance).
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
positivity & other engrained traits
Something I wish I had known as I deconstructed my religious values: it doesn’t really matter where certain parts of myself came from as long as I feel authentic & in-control of those parts. Here’s what I mean:
As I re-examined my beliefs, I got stuck on something. What parts of me are genuinely me & which parts of me are influenced by religion but are so engrained in my being that it’s hard to tell the difference?
This question would constantly come up when I thought about my optimism. Positivity is one of my core personality traits: anyone who knows me could point this out. But positivity is also something that is highlighted within religion: seek joy, find the purpose in your trials, strive for eternal happiness.
Especially as a female coming from a conservative religion, I wondered how much of that optimism had been pounded into me. Was I naturally an optimistic person? Or did I learn that I had to be?
I have now come to realize that what matters is that I feel authentic & in-control of my values, beliefs & traits. And as always, it’s not so black-and-white. Regarding my gift of positivity, I determined that there were some harmful beliefs I was taught that I chose to remove from this trait. And I also determined that this trait felt like it belong to me at my core.
It took trusting my gut to know this. When I was with people I felt genuinely safe & unconditionally loved by, I noticed how I authentically acted. Positivity was part of me. I can trust that I’m the one who knows that best, because there will never be a clear answer as to which parts of me are nature (my true self) & which parts of me are nurture (coming from religion).
Religion will always be a part of me. Since it is part of my identity & past experiences, it has influenced me to be the person I am today. As long as I feel authentic & in-control of my beliefs, values, & traits—choosing them for myself—then I’m okay with who I am.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
religious disenchantment
Let’s talk about religious disenchantment.
First, let’s define disenchantment: a feeling of disappointment about someone or something you previously respected or admired; disillusionment.
E. Marshall Brooks wrote a book on religious disenchantment (titled Disenchanted Lives). Brooks, while not Mormon himself, studied ex-Mormons in Utah & wrote about their unique experience with religious disenchantment.
Brooks describes religious disenchantment as “an acute form of culture collapse…in which the all-encompassing symbolic-existential framework undergirding everyday reality crumbles.”
He writes that those who left the religion “experienced debilitating distress as their physical, social, and symbolic surroundings lost their once comforting familiarity and were transfigured into something strange and unsettling.”
He sums up these individuals’ experience by stating that their “system of meaning, of which their self-concept had been built, no longer brought comfort. Instead, they felt as if their world had collapsed…there was a sense of despair and meaninglessness. At its most extreme, these ex-Mormons experienced a total dissolution of their personality.”
It’s important that we bring research into these experiences, where not much research has been done. I want to highlight the main points & phrases of Brooks’ summary of religious disenchantment to normalize what some might experience when they leave a religion.
“culture collapse”
“everyday reality crumbles”
“debilitating distress”
“comforting familiarity is lost”
“strange & unsettling”
“despair & meaninglessness”
“total dissolution of personality”
These painful & devastating experiences should not have to be normalized, but this is a reminder that leaving religion is not simple. You have permission to acknowledge it for what it is: a complete shift of identity & everything you have known.
Religious disenchantment is complex. It is painful to feel disillusionment & disappointment over something that once provided you with meaning, structure, identity & community.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
reclaiming anger
Let’s reclaim anger. Here’s what I mean:
In conservative religions, we are taught that anger is bad. Just like all emotions, anger is neither good nor bad. Also just like all emotions, if we welcome anger (instead of pushing it away for fear of it being “bad”), we can learn what anger is trying to tell us.
What can anger tell us? Brené Brown defines anger as “an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of the desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be.”
Let that sink in: anger comes up for us when we feel violated. Anger can indicate that we are are feeling wronged or harmed. Anger is our protector, looking out for us. Anger takes care of us & advocates for us.
Anger is not bad. Anger is not of the devil. Anger does not need to be prayed away. Anger does not need to be pushed down. Anger does not need to be replaced with charity.
Anger can be embraced. We can feel anger. We can learn from our anger. Our anger is just that—it’s ours. We can reclaim it for ourselves.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
intersecting identities vs. intersectionality
Intersecting Identities: "the concept that an individual's identity consists of multiple, intersecting social categorizations, including but not limited to gender identity, gender expression, race, ethnicity, class, religious beliefs, sexual identity & sexual expression."
Intersectionality: "the interconnected nature of those social categorizations as they apply to a given individual or group, regarded as creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage."
It’s a fact that we each have a unique web of intersecting identities that interact with each other in ways that influence our experience. Religion plays a part in that. It’s also a fact that many people experience intersectionality. Religion plays a big part in that.
Take, for example, a white, heterosexual, upper-class cisgender female who is Mormon. While her experience of all her identities are affected by her religion, her experience being female impacts how she is treated within her religion & how she is told to act & behave within her religion.
Another example: a black, gay, middle-class cisgender male who is Mormon. Again, while all his identities are intertwined with his religion, his experience being gay & black very much shapes how he is treated within his religion & how he is told to act & behave within his religion.
Let’s remember:
Understanding our intersecting identities within religion can bring further awareness of our experiences.
Understanding the intersectionality that we experience within religion can bring further validation to our experiences.
Understanding intersectionality of others’ identities can bring knowledge (& a chance for advocacy) as we learn about the disadvantages & discrimination others face within religion due to one or more of their identities.
We all hold a responsibility to learn how others’ experiences are different than ours due to discrimination, oppression & privilege. We all have a choice to decide what we want to do with that knowledge.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
strong in our separateness
In religion, conformity (enmeshment) is encouraged & culturally accepted. It can be hard to find a sense of individuation, since deviating from the norm seem wrong or bring feelings of insecurity, uncertainty, or rejection.
A sense of belonging is necessary to our experience as humans. But sometimes belonging gets confused with conformity. We can find places where we belong without being the same as others. We can make relationships work where others believe differently than we do.
This goes both ways: when someone has changed their religious views, they can still belong within the relationship or community we previously shared with them. And when we change our religious views, we can still belong with & accept those who hold the beliefs we previously held but have shifted from.
We can hold to our individuation by being okay with the fact that we have different needs, feelings, values & experiences than others do—even different beliefs. We can better accept our own differences as we hold space for others’ differences.
Carl Rogers, founder of Person-Centered therapy, has a few things to say about holding space for others’ differences, since his theory of therapy emphasizes the importance of relationship. He asks questions that we might all ask to help us hold space for individuation while still understanding & belonging:
“Am I strong enough in my own separateness? Is my inner self hardy enough to realize that I exist separately from [them] with feelings & rights of my own? Can I own &, if need be, express my own feelings as something belonging to me & separate from [their] feelings?
Am I secure enough within myself to permit [them their] separateness? Can I permit [them] to be what [they] are? Or do I feel that [they] should follow my advice, or mold [themselves] after me?”
We can be separate from others. We don’t have to mold ourselves after one another, or conform in the way religion sometimes encourages us to.
As Rogers says: “When I can freely feel this strength of being a separate person, then I find that I can let myself go much more deeply in understanding & accepting [them] because I am not fearful of losing myself.”
Being okay with our own needs & feelings —> accepting that others have their unique needs & feelings —> individuation, not conformity —> deeper understanding & acceptance —> belonging & connecting through our differences.
redefining, reclaiming & reframing
Exploring & examining our beliefs is a healthy & normal part of being human. When we explore our beliefs, something beautiful happens: we get the chance to reclaim our power as we redefine terms & reframe our experience.
Things that once were “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” “righteous” or “unrighteous” can have entirely different labels, according to how we feel.
Some possible phrases we might use to reframe or redefine:
this works for me
this doesn’t work for me
this resonates with me
this doesn’t resonate with me
this aligns with my values
this doesn’t align with my values
this makes sense to me
this doesn’t make sense to me
this brings me comfort, excitement, happiness
this brings me confusion, pain
this is something I need
this is something I don’t need
this is healthy for me
this is unhealthy for me
this is how I want to live my life
this is not how I want to live my life
While these examples look black and white due to the opposing phrases provided, each of these bring gray into our experience because it brings US into our experience. These examples of reframe are based on our own opinions, needs & feelings, not some external standard, definition, or teaching.
If we want to reach for even more gray through embracing the possibility of change (versus finality), we can add words like “…in this season,” “currently” or “…right now”:
“this brings me confusion in my current season”
“this is something I need right now”
“this currently doesn’t align with my values”
We hold the power to redefine, reframe & reclaim our life experiences.
individuation
Do you crave being different? Do you try to find something that sets you apart from others? Do you find yourself pushing against the norm for no clear reason?
This could be an indication that you value individuation. If you were raised in a conservative religion, that might play a part in it.
Within conservative religions, there is a lot of enmeshment. This enmeshment brings conformity—everyone seems to act the same, think the same, be the same. But maybe you’re tired of being the same.
If you find yourself pushing away from the norm, you may be seeking or needing a sense of individuation. Individuation is defined as “the development of the individual from the universal.” Individuation is an important factor in cultivating our identity, & it can also be a unique value that we hold.
Whether we are in religion or out of it, we can choose to align our lives with that value of individuation. As we create boundaries, learn more about ourselves & listen to our needs, we can foster our sense of individuation.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee