codependents & internalizing
codependents have a tendency to internalize. here’s what it sounds like to internalize situations:
“why aren’t they texting me back? what did i say that was stupid or too much?”
“why isn’t he acting warm towards me? how can i get him to seem happy or comfortable again?”
“why doesn’t she want to go out with me again? what did i do wrong?”
now here are some alternative, grounded ways to support ourselves in these situations:
“i’m noticing they haven’t texted me in awhile. i felt confident about my responses when i sent them, so that doesn’t need to change now. they get to choose if & when they respond & it doesn’t mean anything about who i am.”
“i can see he’s withdrawing; i’ll wait for him to tell me what’s going on. in the meantime, i don’t have control or responsibility over his emotions. i won’t negotiate my own sense of safety by catering to him, because his mood doesn’t determine whether i’m lovable or not.
“i’m guessing her lack of communication means she’s not interested. i won’t give away my power by believing i need to always do what’s ‘right’ to secure someone’s interest in me—i don’t have power over whether or not i’m the right fit for someone else.”
when we internalize, we turn inward & wonder what we did wrong: we ask ourselves how we can fix the situation. internalizing FEELS safe because we want control to know there’s something we can do to change the outcome of a situation. but we never have control over another person. true safety lies in reminding ourselves of that & acting securely in a place of our own control & power.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
5 codependent behaviors that can be encouraged through religion:
religion is diverse & can be interpreted & practiced in various ways. while some aspects of religion may foster healthy relationships & personal growth, certain teachings or interpretations can inadvertently reinforce codependent behaviors in individuals. here are some examples
sacrificing personal needs for the sake of others. selflessness, when taken to an extreme, can reinforce the tendency to prioritize others’ needs above one’s own. this can lead to neglecting personal boundaries & well-being.
enabling unhealthy behaviors. in religious contexts, forgiveness & compassion are often valued virtues. however, when taken to an extreme, these teachings can inadvertently enable or tolerate harmful behaviors in relationships, leading to a pattern of codependency & enabling.
unquestioning obedience & submission. religious teachings that emphasize unquestioning obedience or submission to authority figures or religious doctrines can discourage critical thinking & autonomy. this can contribute to a codependent dynamic where individuals may suppress their own needs, thoughts, & feelings to conform to perceived expectations.
guilt & shame surrounding self-care. some religious teachings may emphasize self-denial or label self-care practices as selfish or sinful. this can instill guilt & shame in individuals who prioritize their own well-being, potentially reinforcing codependent tendencies & self-neglect.
overemphasis on external validation. certain religious teachings may place a heavy emphasis on seeking validation, approval, & salvation from external sources such as religious figures or institutions. this can reinforce codependent behaviors by fostering a reliance on external validation & a diminished sense of self-worth.
it’s important to note that not all religious teachings or practices promote codependency, & individuals may interpret & apply religious teachings in ways that are healthy & empowering. it’s essential to engage in critical thinking & self-reflection—above all, making sure we don’t lose our individuation, autonomy & self-trust.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
re-learning safety as a codependent
as codependents, we need to re-learn what safety means.
let’s talk about what safety used to look like for us & what it actually is now:
codependence is learned in our family of origin. in childhood, we learned to forget our feelings, thoughts & needs. instead, we focused our energy & attention on others’ feelings, thoughts & needs.
let’s show some compassion towards this behavior: it kept us safe as children. but in adult relationships, safety looks different now. it’s time that we re-learn what safety looks & feels like.
safety used to look like making decisions for others. safety is actually respecting others’ autonomy & independence—letting them have responsibility for themselves.
safety used to look like self-abandonment & self-neglect. safety is actually prioritizing ourselves & establishing self-care habits & routines.
safety used to look like letting others do whatever they wanted to ensure their acceptance or even kindness towards us. safety is actually establishing clear boundaries to ensure we are treated well in our relationships.
you have the control & power over your life & relationships. while you cannot guarantee others will be a safe space, you can create safety for yourself. it’s time to re-learn what safety means.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
from fawning to freedom: overcoming people pleasing and healing your trauma response
People-pleasing is a common phrase, and perhaps a behavior that is all too common in our own lives. People-pleasing can stem from a trauma response known as fawning—a less common concept. In this post, I’ll explain what fawning is, how it affects us, and how we can overcome it to live a more authentic life.
Introduction to People Pleasing and Fawning Trauma Response
People pleasing is a common behavior where individuals prioritize the needs of others over their own, often at the expense of their mental health and wellbeing. Fawning trauma response is a specific type of people pleasing that is rooted in childhood trauma. It is often seen in individuals who grew up in environments where they had to constantly appease their caregivers to avoid emotional or physical harm.
Fawning is a survival mechanism that helps individuals navigate situations where they feel unsafe or threatened. It involves ingratiating oneself to others, being overly agreeable, and suppressing one's own needs and wants. While fawning may have been helpful in childhood, it can lead to feelings of resentment, anxiety, and low self-esteem in adulthood.
Understanding the Impact of Family of Origin on Our Patterns, Roles, and Beliefs
Our family of origin plays a significant role in shaping our patterns, roles, and beliefs. The way we were raised and the environment we grew up in can influence how we interact with others and view ourselves. In the case of fawning trauma response, individuals who grew up in abusive or neglectful environments may have learned to prioritize the needs of their caregivers over their own.
Children who experience trauma may also develop coping mechanisms, such as fawning, to help them deal with the stress and uncertainty of their environment. These coping mechanisms can become ingrained and carry over into adulthood, even when they are no longer necessary.
Recognizing the Signs and Symptoms of Fawning Trauma Response
Recognizing the signs and symptoms of fawning trauma response is an important step in overcoming people pleasing. Some common signs of fawning include:
Prioritizing the needs of others over your own
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Being overly agreeable
Difficulty saying no
Suppressing emotions and needs
Feeling resentful or angry when others don't reciprocate your efforts
If you find yourself exhibiting these behaviors, it may be a sign that you are engaging in fawning trauma response.
How Fawning Trauma Response Affects Anxiety and Rejection
Fawning trauma response can have a significant impact on one's mental health, particularly anxiety and rejection. When we prioritize the needs of others over our own, we can become hyper-vigilant to signs of potential rejection or disapproval. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress, as we are constantly monitoring our behavior and adjusting to please others.
Additionally, when we engage in fawning, we are often seeking external validation and approval. This can lead to feelings of rejection or low self-worth if our efforts are not reciprocated or appreciated. It is important to recognize that our worth is not tied to the approval of others and that we are deserving of love and respect simply for existing.
Identifying Your Needs and Setting Boundaries
To overcome fawning trauma response, it is essential to identify your own needs and learn how to set boundaries. This can be a challenging process, particularly if you have spent much of your life prioritizing the needs of others. However, it is a necessary step in creating a more fulfilling and authentic life.
Start by reflecting on your own needs and wants. What brings you joy? What are your values and priorities? Once you have a better understanding of your own needs, you can begin to set boundaries with others. This may involve saying no to requests that don't align with your values or taking time for yourself to engage in self-care.
Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable at first, but it is an essential step in reclaiming your own agency and living a more authentic life.
Healing from Fawning Trauma Response and Creating a New Narrative
Healing from fawning trauma response involves recognizing the impact of your childhood experiences on your current patterns and behaviors. It also involves challenging the beliefs and narratives that you have internalized as a result of those experiences.
Working with a therapist can be a helpful way to explore the root causes of your fawning trauma response and develop strategies for healing. It may also involve engaging in self-care practices, such as meditation, journaling, or exercise, that help to cultivate a sense of self-worth and agency.
Creating a new narrative involves reframing your beliefs about yourself and your place in the world. This may involve letting go of old patterns and behaviors that no longer serve you and embracing new ways of being that align with your own values and needs.
Coping Strategies for Overcoming People Pleasing
In addition to identifying your own needs and setting boundaries, there are a number of coping strategies that can help you overcome people pleasing. These include:
Practicing self-compassion and self-care
Developing a support system of individuals who prioritize your own needs and values
Engaging in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment
Challenging negative self-talk and limiting beliefs
Learning to assert yourself and communicate your needs effectively
Resources for Healing and Overcoming People Pleasing
There are a number of resources available for individuals who are looking to heal from fawning trauma response and overcome people pleasing. These include:
Therapy and counseling services
Support groups and online communities
Books and podcasts focused on personal growth and healing
Workshops and training programs focused on assertiveness and boundary-setting
Overcoming People Pleasing in Personal and Professional Relationships
Overcoming people pleasing can be challenging, particularly in personal and professional relationships. It may involve having difficult conversations with loved ones or learning to assert yourself in the workplace. However, it is important to recognize that prioritizing your own needs and values is essential for living a fulfilling and authentic life.
Learning to set boundaries and communicate your needs effectively can help to strengthen your relationships and build deeper connections with others. It may also involve letting go of relationships that no longer serve you or align with your values.
Embracing Freedom and Authenticity
Overcoming people pleasing and fawning trauma response is a challenging but essential step in living a more authentic and fulfilling life. It involves recognizing the impact of our childhood experiences on our current patterns and beliefs, identifying our own needs and setting boundaries, and developing a new narrative that aligns with our own values and priorities.
By embracing freedom and authenticity, we can cultivate a deeper sense of self-worth and agency, build stronger relationships, and create a more fulfilling life for ourselves.
we need to trust people to take care of themselves
As people-pleasers or codependents, we might try to control a lot of things that we don't have control over: how others feel, how others perceive us, or the outcome of a situation.
Managing these things takes a lot of work. We take in every little detail to try to understand how we need to act next.
We listen to someone's tone of voice, we read the changes in their facial expressions, we inspect their body language, we pick up on their general energy.
All of this input gives us clues about what is the best best for us--how we should act in order to control the outcome or someone's resulting emotions.
It is not our responsibility to pick up on all of these clues to act according to what we assume someone's needs. It is not fair of us to assume we know what others need, especially if it is not verbally communicated to us.
It is the responsibility of others to take care of what they need. It is fair of others to verbally communicate to us what they need, if it involves us.
We need to remember that people are capable of managing their own lives and emotions--they don't need us to do that for them. We need to trust others to take care of themselves.
the toxic cycle of codependency: how to build your self-worth and break the pattern
As a mental health professional, I have seen many individuals who struggle with codependency in their relationships. It is a pattern that can be difficult to break, but it is crucial for building self-worth and creating healthy relationships. In this article, I will explore what codependency is, how it develops, the toxic cycle of codependency, signs of codependency, and how low self-worth contributes to codependency. I will also discuss understanding the fear of rejection and abandonment, the role of unmet needs and neglect in codependency, breaking the pattern of codependency, building self-worth, and learning to validate yourself. Lastly, I will talk about seeking professional help for codependency and how creating happy and healthy relationships through self-love and growth is possible.
What is Codependency and How Does it Develop?
Codependency is a pattern of behavior in which an individual becomes overly reliant on another person to meet their emotional and psychological needs. This pattern usually develops in childhood when an individual may have been neglected, abused, or had a parent with addiction or mental health issues. In these situations, the child may learn to focus on the needs of their parent or caregiver at the expense of their own needs, leading to a lack of self-worth and an inability to establish healthy boundaries in relationships.
The Toxic Cycle of Codependency
The toxic cycle of codependency involves a pattern of behavior that reinforces the codependent relationship. The codependent individual may feel an intense need to please their partner, often at the expense of their own needs or well-being. This behavior reinforces the belief that their self-worth is tied to their partner's happiness. This pattern often leads to feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration when their partner does not reciprocate the same level of care and attention.
Signs of Codependency
Some signs of codependency include:
Putting the needs of others before your own
Difficulty setting boundaries
Feeling responsible for the actions and emotions of others
Difficulty expressing your own emotions
Fear of abandonment or rejection
Difficulty making decisions without the input of others
Low self-esteem or self-worth
People-pleasing behavior
Difficulty saying no
How Low Self-Worth Contributes to Codependency
Low self-worth is a major contributing factor to codependency. Individuals with low self-worth may believe that they are not deserving of love or attention and may seek validation from others to feel better about themselves. This can lead to a pattern of behavior where they become overly reliant on their partner for validation and approval. This behavior reinforces the belief that their self-worth is tied to their partner's happiness, leading to a toxic cycle of codependency.
Understanding the Fear of Rejection and Abandonment
The fear of rejection and abandonment is a common underlying factor in codependency. This fear may stem from childhood experiences where the individual did not receive the love and attention they needed from their caregivers. As a result, they may believe that they are unlovable or that they will be abandoned if they do not meet the needs of their partner. This fear can lead to a pattern of behavior where they become overly dependent on their partner for validation and approval, leading to a toxic cycle of codependency.
The Role of Unmet Needs and Neglect in Codependency
Unmet needs and neglect in childhood can also contribute to the development of codependency. If an individual did not receive the love and attention they needed from their caregivers, they may seek out these needs in their adult relationships. This can lead to a pattern of behavior where they become overly reliant on their partner for emotional support and validation. This behavior reinforces the belief that their self-worth is tied to their partner's happiness, leading to a toxic cycle of codependency.
Breaking the Pattern of Codependency
Breaking the pattern of codependency requires a commitment to self-growth and healing. It involves identifying the patterns of behavior that reinforce codependency and learning to establish healthy boundaries in relationships. This may involve seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, to work through childhood trauma and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
Building Self-Worth and Learning to Validate Yourself
Building self-worth is crucial for breaking the pattern of codependency. It involves learning to love and accept yourself for who you are and recognizing that your self-worth does not depend on the validation of others. This can involve practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and learning to express your emotions in a healthy way. By building self-worth, you can break the toxic cycle of codependency and create healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Seeking Professional Help for Codependency
Seeking professional help for codependency is a crucial step in breaking the pattern of codependency. A mental health professional can provide support, guidance, and tools to help you work through childhood trauma and learn healthy coping mechanisms. They can also help you establish healthy boundaries in relationships and build self-worth.
Conclusion: Creating Happy and Healthy Relationships Through Self-Love and Growth
In conclusion, codependency is a pattern of behavior that can be difficult to break but is crucial for building self-worth and creating healthy relationships. By understanding the toxic cycle of codependency, the signs of codependency, and the underlying factors that contribute to codependency, you can begin to break the pattern and create a healthier, more fulfilling life. By seeking professional help, building self-worth, and learning to validate yourself, you can create happy and healthy relationships through self-love and growth.
If you are struggling with codependency and would like to seek professional help, please reach out to a mental health professional in your area. Remember, you deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life, and breaking the pattern of codependency is the first step towards achieving that goal.
blame vs. accountability
Often, as people-pleasers & codependents, it’s easy to blame ourselves for events or experiences. We believe we are responsible for others’ feelings or the outcome of situations, so when someone is not happy (even after we tried to boost their mood or assume what they needed) or there was an awkward experience, our fingers immediately point inward, towards ourselves.
It is extremely uncomfortable to even think about blaming someone else. It may even seem impossible, since it might not align with our core beliefs or conditions of worth we hold for ourselves. Those beliefs might sound like “I’m always wrong,” “I need to give others what they need in order to receive love,” or “I’m not worthy of unconditional love & acceptance”.
While we want to reach a place where we acknowledge we are not to blame for everything, we also don’t want to be pointing fingers at others, either. This isn’t because it’s unkind—it’s because it gives away our control. When we blame others, we are saying that the problem we have is because of what someone else did to us. It keeps us in a codependent pattern, unable to take back our own power & claim the control we have in our own lives.
On the other hand, accountability is a way to acknowledge what happened and who is responsible. It places responsibility on those who caused harm (whether they meant to or not) and acknowledges that consequences follow actions. It also allows us to keep our power and decide what we want to do about what we have control over, including our actions and our own healing. We remove the codependent patterns, or the dependence on others’ actions.
This applies just as much to blaming ourselves. When we blame ourselves for the outcome of a situation, we are ignoring the capabilities that others have. We are taking a lot of power and control that isn’t all ours by claiming that we are at fault. Instead, when we acknowledge our part in a situation—by taking accountability—we can also see that we are not responsible for things that are not in our control, including others’ feelings or the outcome of an experience.
Pia Mellody distinguishes between blame and accountability in her book “Facing Codependence” and the accompanying workbook, “Breaking Free”.
