4 examples of responses that can come from two different emotional states
similar behaviors can be produced from two very different emotional states. more specifically, we might notice our behaviors look the same externally when we are acting from a place of self-preservation (our trauma response) as when we are acting from a place of self-safety (establishing boundaries).
here are 4 examples of responses that can come from those two different emotional states:
1. withdrawing from a situation or relationship:
trauma response: suddenly & abruptly disconnecting or isolating oneself as a means of self-protection & to escape from overwhelming emotions or triggers.
establishing boundaries: choosing to take space or step back from a situation or relationship to honor one's own needs, create emotional safety, & maintain personal boundaries.
2. setting clear limits or saying no:
trauma response: reacting with an immediate & forceful "no" without much consideration or explanation, stemming from a sense of fear, discomfort, or hypervigilance.
establishing boundaries: asserting personal limits & expressing one's preferences or needs through clear communication, taking into account personal values & emotional well-being.
3. defending oneself or becoming defensive:
trauma response: reacting with a heightened defensiveness, aggression, or hostility, perceiving a threat or attack even if none is present due to a heightened state of arousal.
establishing boundaries: advocating for oneself in a calm & assertive manner, expressing concerns or disagreements while maintaining respect & open communication.
4. seeking safety or creating distance:
trauma response: engaging in behaviors aimed at creating physical or emotional distance from a trigger or perceived threat, such as leaving abruptly or avoiding certain places or people.
establishing boundaries: recognizing & honoring the need for safety & emotional well-being, intentionally creating distance from situations or individuals that are harmful or detrimental to one's mental and emotional health.
when we are healing & starting to act from a grounded & intentional place of self-safety, we might view some of these behaviors & think they are indication that we haven’t healed. this is because we previously knew them as a way to protect ourselves, in context of our triggered trauma response.
walking away from an unsafe environment or conversation doesn’t mean we are shutting down or reverting to previous patterns. it COULD—but it could also mean we are creating boundaries & intentionally cultivating safety for ourselves.
it’s important to note the underlying motivation & emotional state beneath our behaviors. this gives us power as we are intentional in our self-awareness. in a trauma response, the behavior typically arises from a place of fear, hypervigilance, or being overwhelmed by past traumatic experiences. when establishing boundaries, the behavior arises from a grounded & intentional desire to protect oneself, honor personal values, & maintain emotional well-being.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
what i wish i had known about cultivating safety:
what i wish i knew years ago about cultivating my emotional safety:
cultivating safety means controlling what i can & letting go of what i can’t. i can’t make others treat me with kindness & consideration. i can treat myself with kindness & consideration by choosing whether to stay in certain situations or relationships (or deciding how i will stay in those situations or relationships)—this is safety.
cultivating safety involves communication & setting boundaries. setting boundaries intentionally—by examining what i need & deciding how to move closer to my values—creates safety.
cultivating safety involves self-advocacy. i can only create safety once i acknowledge my needs & take steps to fulfill my needs. this often means prioritizing my own needs over others’ needs—which also means letting go of the need for acceptance. at first, this feels like it isn’t safe, but it actually is.
cultivating safety in a relationship is scary at first. but as i cultivate safety more & more in my relationships & life, my inner voice grows stronger, because i’m learning to believe my needs are worth listening to.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
how to cultivate safety
emotional safety is pivotal to experience a regulated, grounded nervous system. when we feel safe, we can connect with others & access our authentic selves.
we can begin cultivating safety through intentional awareness. here’s how:
when we notice cues in our body & behavior that indicate a lack of safety, we might determine what environments, relationships or situations cause us to feel unsafe. examples might include our childhood home, a co-worker, or a situation where we are meeting new people.
so how do we cultivate safety? two of my favorite tools are examining gray areas to create safety routes & practicing boundary phrases. let’s look at an example & how we might try to cultivate safety: say that we generally feel unsafe when we go on a first date. this is a valid & common emotion to experience, since we aren’t sure if we will be rejected.
first, examining gray areas. we might be seeing the situation in black-and-white. this allows for a false sense of control, but it prevents openness to possibilities. there’s more to the date than just the two outcomes of the other person being interested or rejecting us. maybe we won’t be interested in them. maybe they’ll be curious to learn more about us before making a decision. maybe we’ll both determine that we’d rather pursue a friendship.
the gray areas can be examined in so many aspects of the date to see where we can create safety routes for ourselves. this might include the length of the date (we can choose to end the date at any time) or what is planned for the date (we aren’t confined to a typical dinner or drinks date—we can go on a walk, people watch at a park, make food together). as we examine the gray areas, we can see that there are options: there isn’t just one (or two) set ways the experience could look.
second, practicing boundary phrases. these are phrases we keep in our toolbox to feel prepared when we face a situation that feels unsafe. we might feel worried that on our date we’ll be asked questions we don’t want to answer. or maybe we feel anxious that we’ll have to say “yes” to whatever our date proposes we do. possible corresponding boundary phrases might be “i’m going to change the subject” or “i’m not feeling up to that option.”
creating these boundary phrases & practicing them allows us to feel prepared if situations arise that threaten our emotional safety. along with examining the gray areas, these tools help us to take control in our lives as we prepare for situations & prevent possible unsafe scenarios.
how have you cultivated safety for yourself?
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
re-learning safety as a codependent
as codependents, we need to re-learn what safety means.
let’s talk about what safety used to look like for us & what it actually is now:
codependence is learned in our family of origin. in childhood, we learned to forget our feelings, thoughts & needs. instead, we focused our energy & attention on others’ feelings, thoughts & needs.
let’s show some compassion towards this behavior: it kept us safe as children. but in adult relationships, safety looks different now. it’s time that we re-learn what safety looks & feels like.
safety used to look like making decisions for others. safety is actually respecting others’ autonomy & independence—letting them have responsibility for themselves.
safety used to look like self-abandonment & self-neglect. safety is actually prioritizing ourselves & establishing self-care habits & routines.
safety used to look like letting others do whatever they wanted to ensure their acceptance or even kindness towards us. safety is actually establishing clear boundaries to ensure we are treated well in our relationships.
you have the control & power over your life & relationships. while you cannot guarantee others will be a safe space, you can create safety for yourself. it’s time to re-learn what safety means.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee