9 signs of enmeshment in religious environments
9 signs of enmeshment (lack of boundaries) in religious environments & what they sound like:
overinvolvement in others’ personal lives: "i can't say no when someone asks for my help, even if it overwhelms me."
sacrificing personal needs for religious obligations: "fulfilling my calling (or other religious duties) takes up so much of my time”
pressure to conform to rigid religious expectations: "i’m afraid of being judged or told i’m wrong if i express my opinions that are different than what my church teaches."
lack of privacy and personal boundaries: "i feel uncomfortable thinking of the questions that will be asked in my upcoming temple recommend interview."
absence of individual identity outside of the religious community: "i’m tired of how everyone at church has the same interests & ideas but outside of my congregation i don’t have any other friends to spend time with."
guilt or shame for questioning or leaving the religious community: "i can't explore different perspectives or consider leaving because it's seen as a betrayal or sinful."
inadequate autonomy in decision-making: "i can't make important life choices without asking my parents for advice since they are able to receive revelation for me."
emotional dependency on religious leaders or figures: "i don’t know what to do about my job offer. i need to pray about it & go to the temple to try to receive an answer."
difficulty setting boundaries with intrusive religious practices: "i feel trapped because i have to conform to strict religious practices (like attending church each sunday), even if they cause me discomfort or stress."
not everyone experiences religious enmeshment in the same way. however, it is essential to reflect on our experiences, ensuring we maintain a sense of autonomy & establish healthy boundaries. by examining the influence of religion on our lives, we empower ourselves to navigate our spiritual journey with a balanced perspective as we embrace our personal beliefs & challenge unhealthy dynamics.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
how to cultivate safety
emotional safety is pivotal to experience a regulated, grounded nervous system. when we feel safe, we can connect with others & access our authentic selves.
we can begin cultivating safety through intentional awareness. here’s how:
when we notice cues in our body & behavior that indicate a lack of safety, we might determine what environments, relationships or situations cause us to feel unsafe. examples might include our childhood home, a co-worker, or a situation where we are meeting new people.
so how do we cultivate safety? two of my favorite tools are examining gray areas to create safety routes & practicing boundary phrases. let’s look at an example & how we might try to cultivate safety: say that we generally feel unsafe when we go on a first date. this is a valid & common emotion to experience, since we aren’t sure if we will be rejected.
first, examining gray areas. we might be seeing the situation in black-and-white. this allows for a false sense of control, but it prevents openness to possibilities. there’s more to the date than just the two outcomes of the other person being interested or rejecting us. maybe we won’t be interested in them. maybe they’ll be curious to learn more about us before making a decision. maybe we’ll both determine that we’d rather pursue a friendship.
the gray areas can be examined in so many aspects of the date to see where we can create safety routes for ourselves. this might include the length of the date (we can choose to end the date at any time) or what is planned for the date (we aren’t confined to a typical dinner or drinks date—we can go on a walk, people watch at a park, make food together). as we examine the gray areas, we can see that there are options: there isn’t just one (or two) set ways the experience could look.
second, practicing boundary phrases. these are phrases we keep in our toolbox to feel prepared when we face a situation that feels unsafe. we might feel worried that on our date we’ll be asked questions we don’t want to answer. or maybe we feel anxious that we’ll have to say “yes” to whatever our date proposes we do. possible corresponding boundary phrases might be “i’m going to change the subject” or “i’m not feeling up to that option.”
creating these boundary phrases & practicing them allows us to feel prepared if situations arise that threaten our emotional safety. along with examining the gray areas, these tools help us to take control in our lives as we prepare for situations & prevent possible unsafe scenarios.
how have you cultivated safety for yourself?
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
boundaries versus requests
A big difference between requests & boundaries is follow-through. Here’s a metaphor to highlight that difference:
Driving along a road, we might notice the speed limit is 35 mph. This is a request: “please drive under the speed limit”. We can go over the speed limit & we won’t always have a consequence to our actions.
On that same road, a speed camera is installed. Anytime someone drives over the speed limit, their picture is taken & they get a ticket. This is a boundary: “please drive under the speed limit. If you go over, you will be ticketed.”
We can make requests all we want but true change comes when there are consequences to actions. In our relationships, if we don’t enforce our boundaries, people will learn that they don’t have to listen to our requests. We’ll keep experiencing the same relationship patterns.
Here are some ways to differentiate between the two:
Requests are verbal. Boundaries can be verbal or non-verbal (they might be the actions we use to show what we are/are not okay with).
Requests are the influence we hope to have in a relationship. Boundaries are what we are responsible for in a relationship.
Requests are unenforceable, we can ask someone to change their behavior but we can’t control their behavior. Boundaries are the control we have over our own needs in response to someone else's behavior.
Requests might be thought of as a first course of action, or a way for us to express our needs. Boundaries might be thought of as the follow-through, or the consequence to someone’s actions (or lack of action) towards our needs.
Request: "Can you please stop raising your voice during our conversations?" Boundary: "I will be going into the other room since you are yelling at me."
Request: "Would you be able to help with your half of the laundry?" Boundary: "I can't keep doing all of the laundry for both of us. I'll only be washing my clothes from now on."
In short: make requests. Then follow-through with boundaries.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
what do time boundaries sound like?
Time boundaries are self-explanatory: they are boundaries around our time. They protect our time: what we spend it on, who we spend it with, how long we spend it. Time boundaries sound like:
“I am so excited to see you tonight for dinner. I'll only have an hour to spend with you before I need to head home.”
“I won’t be answering e-mails while I’m on my trip.”
“I feel apprehensive initiating plans with you after you canceled last-minute the past few times. I’ll need you to make the plans if you want to hang out again.”
“I reserve my mornings for myself. You can leave voicemails at that time but I won’t be responding to calls until I’m ready.”
“I’m glad you could finally make it; our meeting was scheduled to start fifteen minutes ago. We will still be ending at the scheduled time.”
“I’m happy to have your company as I run errands; however, I know you like to window shop & I won’t be able to deviate from the schedule I have.”
“The last time I offered to babysit you came home an hour later than communicated. I won’t be able to help again in the future.”
Remember: we don’t need to justify how we spend our time. We don’t need to provide a reason in order to make a valid excuse. Our time is precious & we know our own limits & needs.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
four things boundaries are not
Four things boundaries are not:
Ultimatums, Reactions, or Threats. Boundaries are non-negotiable—they are facts. Boundaries do not change dependent on others’ behavior. Boundaries are best decided upon & communicated while in a grounded, intentional state.
Walls. Unlike the walls we might put up when we distrust others or fear rejection in relationships, boundaries are more like fences. These fences are placed for our safety, and allow us to have a relationship with others. They don’t shut others out: instead, they let others know how to show up within a relationship with us.
Attempts to change others. We don’t have control over others: only ourselves. Sure, our boundaries might influence others, since they let others know what we will & will not tolerate, but the changes made come from us, not others. Boundaries are not: “You can’t yell at me!” Boundaries are: “When you yell at me, I’m going to walk away.”
Always easy. Boundaries are shifts in our behavior and in the relationship we have with someone else. Old habits die hard & patterns are easy to fall into. That’s okay! With time, we can create, maintain & reinforce the boundaries we want & need in our relationships.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
boundaries: loving others AND ourselves
Boundaries are there so that we don't forget that there are two people in a relationship: we are one of those people! For those of us who have a tendency to give more than is required in a relationship--or give more than receive--we can sometimes grow resentful & forget that WE also deserve to be loved by ourselves too! Our own actions within relationships can betray our needs, wants, or values. Boundaries are the rules we make for ourselves that can keep us in line with our needs, wants, and values--an act of showing love to ourselves.
So here's a reminder that boundaries allow us to love others in the amounts that we are able & capable of doing....while ALSO loving ourselves at the same time!
