how to cultivate safety
emotional safety is pivotal to experience a regulated, grounded nervous system. when we feel safe, we can connect with others & access our authentic selves.
we can begin cultivating safety through intentional awareness. here’s how:
when we notice cues in our body & behavior that indicate a lack of safety, we might determine what environments, relationships or situations cause us to feel unsafe. examples might include our childhood home, a co-worker, or a situation where we are meeting new people.
so how do we cultivate safety? two of my favorite tools are examining gray areas to create safety routes & practicing boundary phrases. let’s look at an example & how we might try to cultivate safety: say that we generally feel unsafe when we go on a first date. this is a valid & common emotion to experience, since we aren’t sure if we will be rejected.
first, examining gray areas. we might be seeing the situation in black-and-white. this allows for a false sense of control, but it prevents openness to possibilities. there’s more to the date than just the two outcomes of the other person being interested or rejecting us. maybe we won’t be interested in them. maybe they’ll be curious to learn more about us before making a decision. maybe we’ll both determine that we’d rather pursue a friendship.
the gray areas can be examined in so many aspects of the date to see where we can create safety routes for ourselves. this might include the length of the date (we can choose to end the date at any time) or what is planned for the date (we aren’t confined to a typical dinner or drinks date—we can go on a walk, people watch at a park, make food together). as we examine the gray areas, we can see that there are options: there isn’t just one (or two) set ways the experience could look.
second, practicing boundary phrases. these are phrases we keep in our toolbox to feel prepared when we face a situation that feels unsafe. we might feel worried that on our date we’ll be asked questions we don’t want to answer. or maybe we feel anxious that we’ll have to say “yes” to whatever our date proposes we do. possible corresponding boundary phrases might be “i’m going to change the subject” or “i’m not feeling up to that option.”
creating these boundary phrases & practicing them allows us to feel prepared if situations arise that threaten our emotional safety. along with examining the gray areas, these tools help us to take control in our lives as we prepare for situations & prevent possible unsafe scenarios.
how have you cultivated safety for yourself?
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
polarized thinking
Cognitive distortions are just like they sound: they’re cognitions (thoughts or perceptions) we have that are distorted. In other words, they are mental filters we’ve created that are faulty ways of thinking. We have unknowingly created these filters for some reason—perhaps they bring us safety, or give us some sense of control or understanding of the world around us. But these filters also fuel anxiety and can result in negative self-worth, as we close our minds off to possibilities & complexities. There are many kinds of cognitive distortions, some of which I’ll highlight in various posts. Becoming aware of what cognitive distortions we tend to see our experiences through can be very helpful to start changing our perspective and challenging the way we see things. Awareness brings choices, and choices bring change!
One type of cognitive distortion Polarized Thinking. This cognitive distortion is when we resort to all-or-nothing, black-or-white, dichotomous thinking. Life is full of complexity & contradiction, so this distorted way of thinking keeps us from accepting many outcomes & possibilities. Polarized thinking also provides us with a false sense of control as we try to make sense of things by seeing only in limited outcomes. Those limited outcomes might sound like good/bad, right/wrong, perfect/failure.
Examples of Polarized Thinking:
“I made a mistake at work today so I’m a complete failure & my boss hates me.”
“I ate a cookie so my whole diet is blown, I may as well eat the whole box.”
When have you experienced polarized thinking?
the power of “and”
A main component of person-centered therapy is self-actualization. Self-actualization is the process of becoming more & more who one is; realizing (& reaching) one’s full potential. This requires acceptance of the positive & negative aspects of being human.
To be open to experience (another component of person-centered therapy) means that one does not deny or reject parts of who they are or parts of their experience. This acceptance & integration is a tricky process. It is much easier to utilize binary thinking. Binary thinking brings certainty: it’s much easier & safer to put experiences, people, even ourselves into categories.
-Today was a good day.
-My best friend is considerate.
-I am a hard worker.
It can feel threatening to sit with complexities & contradictions, so we prefer to justify using “but” & make choices using “or”:
-I had a pretty rough morning, BUT my lunch was delicious & I enjoyed work: so today was a good day.
-Sometimes my best friend doesn’t think about how I might feel, BUT she often reaches out to me: so she is considerate.
-I am either a hard worker OR I am not (I might be confused about my ability, strengths, & even my identity if some of my experiences prove I am not a hard worker): so I am a hard worker.
We often forget about the power of “AND.” This is how we can move towards self-actualization & find more comfort with ambiguity. When our thinking is not binary—when things or people don’t need to be black-or-white—we become more open to the human experience:
-I had a pretty rough morning AND my lunch was delicious AND I enjoyed work. Today was both difficult AND fulfilling.
-My friend does so much for me AND sometimes I don’t feel considered by her.
-I am struggling in school AND I am a hard worker.
See how that can change everything? It doesn’t mean everything is more comfortable; we will likely have to acknowledge or make sense of things through a new lens. But that new lens means we are taking in more of our experience & finding ways to accept all of it.
So join me today: let’s pause when we notice ourselves using “but” or “or” thinking. Let’s try to reframe the same thought, utilizing the power of “and.”
