the power of “and”

A main component of person-centered therapy is self-actualization. Self-actualization is the process of becoming more & more who one is; realizing (& reaching) one’s full potential. This requires acceptance of the positive & negative aspects of being human.

To be open to experience (another component of person-centered therapy) means that one does not deny or reject parts of who they are or parts of their experience. This acceptance & integration is a tricky process. It is much easier to utilize binary thinking. Binary thinking brings certainty: it’s much easier & safer to put experiences, people, even ourselves into categories.

-Today was a good day.
-My best friend is considerate.
-I am a hard worker.

It can feel threatening to sit with complexities & contradictions, so we prefer to justify using “but” & make choices using “or”:

-I had a pretty rough morning, BUT my lunch was delicious & I enjoyed work: so today was a good day.
-Sometimes my best friend doesn’t think about how I might feel, BUT she often reaches out to me: so she is considerate.
-I am either a hard worker OR I am not (I might be confused about my ability, strengths, & even my identity if some of my experiences prove I am not a hard worker): so I am a hard worker.

We often forget about the power of “AND.” This is how we can move towards self-actualization & find more comfort with ambiguity. When our thinking is not binary—when things or people don’t need to be black-or-white—we become more open to the human experience:

-I had a pretty rough morning AND my lunch was delicious AND I enjoyed work. Today was both difficult AND fulfilling.
-My friend does so much for me AND sometimes I don’t feel considered by her.
-I am struggling in school AND I am a hard worker.

See how that can change everything? It doesn’t mean everything is more comfortable; we will likely have to acknowledge or make sense of things through a new lens. But that new lens means we are taking in more of our experience & finding ways to accept all of it.

So join me today: let’s pause when we notice ourselves using “but” or “or” thinking. Let’s try to reframe the same thought, utilizing the power of “and.”