how to cultivate safety

emotional safety is pivotal to experience a regulated, grounded nervous system. when we feel safe, we can connect with others & access our authentic selves.

we can begin cultivating safety through intentional awareness. here’s how:

when we notice cues in our body & behavior that indicate a lack of safety, we might determine what environments, relationships or situations cause us to feel unsafe. examples might include our childhood home, a co-worker, or a situation where we are meeting new people.

so how do we cultivate safety? two of my favorite tools are examining gray areas to create safety routes & practicing boundary phrases. let’s look at an example & how we might try to cultivate safety: say that we generally feel unsafe when we go on a first date. this is a valid & common emotion to experience, since we aren’t sure if we will be rejected.

first, examining gray areas. we might be seeing the situation in black-and-white. this allows for a false sense of control, but it prevents openness to possibilities. there’s more to the date than just the two outcomes of the other person being interested or rejecting us. maybe we won’t be interested in them. maybe they’ll be curious to learn more about us before making a decision. maybe we’ll both determine that we’d rather pursue a friendship.

the gray areas can be examined in so many aspects of the date to see where we can create safety routes for ourselves. this might include the length of the date (we can choose to end the date at any time) or what is planned for the date (we aren’t confined to a typical dinner or drinks date—we can go on a walk, people watch at a park, make food together). as we examine the gray areas, we can see that there are options: there isn’t just one (or two) set ways the experience could look.

second, practicing boundary phrases. these are phrases we keep in our toolbox to feel prepared when we face a situation that feels unsafe. we might feel worried that on our date we’ll be asked questions we don’t want to answer. or maybe we feel anxious that we’ll have to say “yes” to whatever our date proposes we do. possible corresponding boundary phrases might be “i’m going to change the subject” or “i’m not feeling up to that option.”

creating these boundary phrases & practicing them allows us to feel prepared if situations arise that threaten our emotional safety. along with examining the gray areas, these tools help us to take control in our lives as we prepare for situations & prevent possible unsafe scenarios.

how have you cultivated safety for yourself?

*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee