10 things people-pleasers try to control
“control” often has a negative connotation in our society today. but control is important: it helps us feel safe. especially for those of us who have experienced trauma, we want to feel in control of our lives because we have learned there is so much that is out of our control. as people-pleasers, there is a lot that is outside of our control that we try to control. here are 10 things that people-pleasers try to control:
approval: people-pleasers often seek to control the approval & validation they receive from others. they strive to gain acceptance & avoid disapproval or rejection.
perception: they may try to control how others perceive them by presenting a specific image or persona that they believe will be more likable or desirable to others.
conflict: people-pleasers often try to avoid conflict or disagreements by going along with others' preferences or opinions, attempting to control the situation to maintain harmony.
criticism: they may try to prevent or minimize criticism by anticipating others' expectations & trying to meet them before any negative feedback arises.
rejection: people-pleasers often try to control situations or behaviors to avoid being rejected or abandoned by others. they fear that asserting their own needs or boundaries may result in rejection.
emotional discomfort: they may try to control their own or others' emotional discomfort by prioritizing others' needs & emotions over their own. they aim to create a sense of harmony & avoid potential conflicts or tense situations.
perfection: people-pleasers may strive to control the perception that they are perfect or flawless. they fear that any mistakes or shortcomings will lead to judgment or disappointment from others.
relationships: they may attempt to control their relationships by constantly accommodating others' desires, preferences, & expectations. this can create an imbalance in the relationship dynamic & hinder the expression of their authentic selves.
boundaries: people-pleasers may struggle to assert their own boundaries & instead try to control situations by saying "yes" even when they want to say "no." they fear that setting boundaries may lead to conflict or rejection.
self-worth: they may attempt to control their own sense of self-worth by seeking external validation & relying on others' opinions or approval to feel valuable or worthy.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
4 things we commonly say as people-pleasers & what we are trying to control
“i’m down for anything, i don’t really have a preference!” by agreeing to do whatever others want, people-pleasers might be holding onto control by preventing negative reactions or disappointment from others.
“it’s no big deal, no worries!” by presenting themselves as accommodating & without any inconvenience, people-pleasers might be trying to control acceptance and approval from others.
“i don’t mind. you decide.” by deferring decision making to others, people-pleasers might be trying to maintain a sense of control over how they are perceived by others—instead of the possibility of making the wrong choice or being seen as selfish.
“i’m sorry, it was my fault.” by assuming blame and apologizing excessively (even when it may not be necessary or justified), people-pleasers might be taking control by diffusing tension and maintaining a sense of peace and harmony.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
polarized thinking
Cognitive distortions are just like they sound: they’re cognitions (thoughts or perceptions) we have that are distorted. In other words, they are mental filters we’ve created that are faulty ways of thinking. We have unknowingly created these filters for some reason—perhaps they bring us safety, or give us some sense of control or understanding of the world around us. But these filters also fuel anxiety and can result in negative self-worth, as we close our minds off to possibilities & complexities. There are many kinds of cognitive distortions, some of which I’ll highlight in various posts. Becoming aware of what cognitive distortions we tend to see our experiences through can be very helpful to start changing our perspective and challenging the way we see things. Awareness brings choices, and choices bring change!
One type of cognitive distortion Polarized Thinking. This cognitive distortion is when we resort to all-or-nothing, black-or-white, dichotomous thinking. Life is full of complexity & contradiction, so this distorted way of thinking keeps us from accepting many outcomes & possibilities. Polarized thinking also provides us with a false sense of control as we try to make sense of things by seeing only in limited outcomes. Those limited outcomes might sound like good/bad, right/wrong, perfect/failure.
Examples of Polarized Thinking:
“I made a mistake at work today so I’m a complete failure & my boss hates me.”
“I ate a cookie so my whole diet is blown, I may as well eat the whole box.”
When have you experienced polarized thinking?
