boundaries versus requests

A big difference between requests & boundaries is follow-through. Here’s a metaphor to highlight that difference:

Driving along a road, we might notice the speed limit is 35 mph. This is a request: “please drive under the speed limit”. We can go over the speed limit & we won’t always have a consequence to our actions.

On that same road, a speed camera is installed. Anytime someone drives over the speed limit, their picture is taken & they get a ticket. This is a boundary: “please drive under the speed limit. If you go over, you will be ticketed.”

We can make requests all we want but true change comes when there are consequences to actions. In our relationships, if we don’t enforce our boundaries, people will learn that they don’t have to listen to our requests. We’ll keep experiencing the same relationship patterns.

Here are some ways to differentiate between the two:

Requests are verbal. Boundaries can be verbal or non-verbal (they might be the actions we use to show what we are/are not okay with).

Requests are the influence we hope to have in a relationship. Boundaries are what we are responsible for in a relationship.

Requests are unenforceable, we can ask someone to change their behavior but we can’t control their behavior. Boundaries are the control we have over our own needs in response to someone else's behavior.

Requests might be thought of as a first course of action, or a way for us to express our needs. Boundaries might be thought of as the follow-through, or the consequence to someone’s actions (or lack of action) towards our needs.

Request: "Can you please stop raising your voice during our conversations?" Boundary: "I will be going into the other room since you are yelling at me."

Request: "Would you be able to help with your half of the laundry?" Boundary: "I can't keep doing all of the laundry for both of us. I'll only be washing my clothes from now on."

In short: make requests. Then follow-through with boundaries.

*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee