codependents & internalizing

codependents have a tendency to internalize. here’s what it sounds like to internalize situations:

“why aren’t they texting me back? what did i say that was stupid or too much?”

“why isn’t he acting warm towards me? how can i get him to seem happy or comfortable again?”

“why doesn’t she want to go out with me again? what did i do wrong?”

now here are some alternative, grounded ways to support ourselves in these situations:

“i’m noticing they haven’t texted me in awhile. i felt confident about my responses when i sent them, so that doesn’t need to change now. they get to choose if & when they respond & it doesn’t mean anything about who i am.”

“i can see he’s withdrawing; i’ll wait for him to tell me what’s going on. in the meantime, i don’t have control or responsibility over his emotions. i won’t negotiate my own sense of safety by catering to him, because his mood doesn’t determine whether i’m lovable or not.

“i’m guessing her lack of communication means she’s not interested. i won’t give away my power by believing i need to always do what’s ‘right’ to secure someone’s interest in me—i don’t have power over whether or not i’m the right fit for someone else.”

when we internalize, we turn inward & wonder what we did wrong: we ask ourselves how we can fix the situation. internalizing FEELS safe because we want control to know there’s something we can do to change the outcome of a situation. but we never have control over another person. true safety lies in reminding ourselves of that & acting securely in a place of our own control & power.

*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee