how to make a relationship work when someone holds different beliefs than us

in religion, conformity (enmeshment) is encouraged & culturally accepted. it can be hard to find a sense of individuation, since deviating from the norm seem wrong or bring feelings of insecurity, uncertainty, or rejection.

a sense of belonging is necessary to our experience as humans. but sometimes belonging gets confused with conformity. we can find places where we belong without being the same as others. we can make relationships work where others believe differently than we do.

this goes both ways: when someone has changed their religious views, they can still belong within the relationship or community we previously shared with them. and when we change our religious views, we can still belong with & accept those who hold the beliefs we previously held but have shifted from.

we can hold to our individuation by being okay with the fact that we have different needs, feelings, values & experiences than others do—even different beliefs. we can better accept our own differences as we hold space for others’ differences.

Carl Rogers, founder of person-centered therapy, has a few things to say about holding space for others’ differences, since his theory of therapy emphasizes the importance of relationship. he asks questions that we might all ask to reach individuation, belonging, & understanding:

“am i strong enough in my own separateness? is my inner self hardy enough to realize that i exist separately from them with feelings & rights of my own? can i own &, if need be, express my own feelings as something belonging to me & separate from their feelings?”

"am i secure enough within myself to permit them their separateness? can i permit them to be what they are? or do i feel that they should follow my advice, or mold themselves after me?”

we can be separate from others. we don’t have to mold ourselves after one another, or conform in the way religion sometimes encourages us to.

as Rogers says: “when i can freely feel this strength of being a separate person, then i find that i can let myself go much more deeply in understanding & accepting [them] because i am not fearful of losing myself.”

in short: being okay with our own needs & feelings —> accepting that others have their unique needs & feelings —> individuation, not conformity —> deeper understanding & acceptance —> belonging & connecting through our differences.

*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee