reclaiming anger

Let’s reclaim anger. Here’s what I mean:

In conservative religions, we are taught that anger is bad. Just like all emotions, anger is neither good nor bad. Also just like all emotions, if we welcome anger (instead of pushing it away for fear of it being “bad”), we can learn what anger is trying to tell us.

What can anger tell us? Brené Brown defines anger as “an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of the desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be.”

Let that sink in: anger comes up for us when we feel violated. Anger can indicate that we are are feeling wronged or harmed. Anger is our protector, looking out for us. Anger takes care of us & advocates for us.

Anger is not bad. Anger is not of the devil. Anger does not need to be prayed away. Anger does not need to be pushed down. Anger does not need to be replaced with charity.

Anger can be embraced. We can feel anger. We can learn from our anger. Our anger is just that—it’s ours. We can reclaim it for ourselves.

*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee

feelings vs. thoughts

One way to gain emotional awareness is through recognizing the difference between feelings & thoughts. We often confuse the two in our everyday language. "I feel like that's a good idea" or "I feel that you're trying to avoid the topic" are both actually thoughts, not feelings.

Using "feel" at the beginning of a thought can make an accusation seem softer. It can also be a way to avoid vulnerability. "I feel that you're trying to avoid the topic" is easier to say than "I feel hurt when you change the subject." But that second option actually includes a feeling--feeling hurt.

Try to notice when you start a sentence with "I feel..." If a feeling word (angry, happy, confused, sad, embarrassed) doesn't follow, there are two things we can do.

1. We can correct our language to align with the thought we are having. "It seems..." "I notice..." "I think..." are all good phrases to begin our thoughts.

2. We can pause to see if there is a feeling we are experiencing that we aren't acknowledging. Perhaps there is a thought and a feeling that seem appropriate to share: "I feel like that's a good idea" can become "I feel excited, I think that's a great idea."

While this is semantic, it encourages vulnerability with ourselves & others as we pause to be intentional about our language around our emotions. I feel confident that distinguishing between your thoughts & feelings will lead to increased emotional awareness :)

name it to tame it

Daniel Siegel is a psychiatrist & author who has written many books & contributed greatly to our knowledge of mindfulness & attachment theory. He coined the phrase: “name it to tame it.” This describes the process of recognizing & acknowledging emotions as they are happening. As we NAME our emotions, we can actually TAME the stress & anxiety we experience due to those very emotions.

Seems way too simple, right? It kind of is, actually. When we experience anything threatening or uncertain—like unknown emotions—our brain registers this as a signal to go into fight-or-flight mode. By labeling our emotions when we experience them, we create more certainty & our prefrontal cortex is reactivated as we calm down.

Of course, actually doing this in practice is not as simple. If we grew up in homes where we weren’t taught that emotions were okay to feel, or if we don’t know how to recognize various emotions as they come up for us, we might not have a strong foundation to start from. I love using www.feelingswheel.com to check-in with my emotions regularly through the day. It’s taken some time over the past few years to increase my emotional granularity (the ability to differentiate between specific emotions) but I have made progress. When I feel something come up in my body, or notice some sensation or behavior that clues me into the fact that I’m not acknowledging a certain emotion, I pause & pull out my feelings wheel. As I do so, I feel more in-control & I feel empowered as I gain understanding of my experience—as I NAME it, I’m able to TAME it :)