individuation

Do you crave being different? Do you try to find something that sets you apart from others? Do you find yourself pushing against the norm for no clear reason?

This could be an indication that you value individuation. If you were raised in a conservative religion, that might play a part in it.

Within conservative religions, there is a lot of enmeshment. This enmeshment brings conformity—everyone seems to act the same, think the same, be the same. But maybe you’re tired of being the same.

If you find yourself pushing away from the norm, you may be seeking or needing a sense of individuation. Individuation is defined as “the development of the individual from the universal.” Individuation is an important factor in cultivating our identity, & it can also be a unique value that we hold.

Whether we are in religion or out of it, we can choose to align our lives with that value of individuation. As we create boundaries, learn more about ourselves & listen to our needs, we can foster our sense of individuation.

*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee

values vs. roles

We all have values. From security to risk-taking, community to independence, & peace to power, these values shape who we are. I find that asking clients to identify their values provides them with a sense of identity & provides us (within the therapeutic relationship) a foundation to work from as we examine & explore their life experiences.

When an experience doesn't sit well with us, we might ask: was I moving towards or away from my values? When we feel proud of how we responded in a strained moment, we might ask: what value was I leaning into? When we are reevaluating a boundary, we might ask: how does this align with my values?

As a people lover, my list of values includes connection, empathy, love, & altruism, to name a few. As a people pleaser, these quickly shift from being values to becoming a role I play. Sometimes, I am caretaking as a value. And other times, I am caretaking as a role--it fulfills a need, allowing me to feel worthy of love as I pay my dues, in the currency of my values.

The trick is for us to note when this shift happens. We all have our own patchwork quit of values & we all have our own alert system to let us know when we are stepping away from those values. Whether we feel it in our gut, or whether we notice ourselves behaving inauthentically, becoming aware of those moments when we cross the line can be beneficial & even crucial to our growth.

So pause with me at some moment today & ask: Am I acting from a place of my values or am I acting out a role?

(Brene Brown has a wonderful list of values: https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values)