positivity & other engrained traits

Something I wish I had known as I deconstructed my religious values: it doesn’t really matter where certain parts of myself came from as long as I feel authentic & in-control of those parts. Here’s what I mean:

As I re-examined my beliefs, I got stuck on something. What parts of me are genuinely me & which parts of me are influenced by religion but are so engrained in my being that it’s hard to tell the difference?

This question would constantly come up when I thought about my optimism. Positivity is one of my core personality traits: anyone who knows me could point this out. But positivity is also something that is highlighted within religion: seek joy, find the purpose in your trials, strive for eternal happiness.

Especially as a female coming from a conservative religion, I wondered how much of that optimism had been pounded into me. Was I naturally an optimistic person? Or did I learn that I had to be?

I have now come to realize that what matters is that I feel authentic & in-control of my values, beliefs & traits. And as always, it’s not so black-and-white. Regarding my gift of positivity, I determined that there were some harmful beliefs I was taught that I chose to remove from this trait. And I also determined that this trait felt like it belong to me at my core.

It took trusting my gut to know this. When I was with people I felt genuinely safe & unconditionally loved by, I noticed how I authentically acted. Positivity was part of me. I can trust that I’m the one who knows that best, because there will never be a clear answer as to which parts of me are nature (my true self) & which parts of me are nurture (coming from religion).

Religion will always be a part of me. Since it is part of my identity & past experiences, it has influenced me to be the person I am today. As long as I feel authentic & in-control of my beliefs, values, & traits—choosing them for myself—then I’m okay with who I am.

*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee