what roles do we take on?

In my previous post, I talked about conditions of worth. These conditions of worth can also be called a “role-self,” defined by Lindsay C. Gibson in her book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” Essentially, these two related terms define the experience when we feel valued for what we are doing, not for who we are. As I mentioned in the previous post, once we have put a condition on our worth, we begin living under the false belief that we must be doing something in our relationships in order to receive love. Unfortunately though, this is not sustainable & while the condition (or formula) feels safe, it is not a way for us to live authentically. In essence, as Gibson says in her book, “unconditional love cannot be bought by conditional behavior.” As we continue to show up a certain way in order to feel loved or accepted, we are perpetuating an inauthentic relationship—we are not showing up as ourselves (we are taking on a role—or playing a role-self) & we are not receiving unconditional love, since we are acting transactionally (trying to “buy” love through our behavior).

The following are some questions you might begin to ask yourself to explore your conditions of worth (or your role-self). As you figure out how you show up in relationships in order to receive love, you can start to challenge why you believe you have to show up that way.

1. How do I want others to view me in my relationships? What image do I try to maintain?
2. Is there anything I complain about doing in most of my relationships? If so, what is it?
3. When do I feel guilty in relationships? What do I do to try to avoid that guilt?
4. What do I wish others would do for me in relationships? What do I wish others would ask me?
5. What trait do I have that seems to be undervalued or unrecognized in my relationships?