a recipe for rejection

Sharing our needs can be a recipe for rejection.

When we feel invalidated or unconsidered by someone, it's a chance to communicate our needs to them. We can let them know why we feel hurt.

We can also choose to not tell them why we feel hurt. This is often much easier. This keeps us from experiencing rejection.

Many of us have likely already experienced that recipe for rejection: sharing our needs with another person.

When we share our needs, our needs might be "too much" or we might be making it "a big deal". If we are too much, then we might not be wanted anymore.

It has felt much safer for us to avoid sharing our needs--which, over time, keeps us from acknowledging our needs to ourselves. Because if we acknowledge our needs, that might mean we need to share them...& again, we want to avoid that at all costs.

Healthy & connecting relationships are built on safety. That safety includes a space where we can share our needs with the other person, freely and without judgment.

When we start to assess & acknowledge our needs, we will likely find relationships that no longer serve us. We will see that we don't need the acceptance of some people anymore, because we are starting to accept ourselves & our needs.

We won't fear rejection anymore, because we know our needs & we know that those needs deserve to be heard & met.

the toxic cycle of codependency: how to build your self-worth and break the pattern

As a mental health professional, I have seen many individuals who struggle with codependency in their relationships. It is a pattern that can be difficult to break, but it is crucial for building self-worth and creating healthy relationships. In this article, I will explore what codependency is, how it develops, the toxic cycle of codependency, signs of codependency, and how low self-worth contributes to codependency. I will also discuss understanding the fear of rejection and abandonment, the role of unmet needs and neglect in codependency, breaking the pattern of codependency, building self-worth, and learning to validate yourself. Lastly, I will talk about seeking professional help for codependency and how creating happy and healthy relationships through self-love and growth is possible.

What is Codependency and How Does it Develop?

Codependency is a pattern of behavior in which an individual becomes overly reliant on another person to meet their emotional and psychological needs. This pattern usually develops in childhood when an individual may have been neglected, abused, or had a parent with addiction or mental health issues. In these situations, the child may learn to focus on the needs of their parent or caregiver at the expense of their own needs, leading to a lack of self-worth and an inability to establish healthy boundaries in relationships.

The Toxic Cycle of Codependency

The toxic cycle of codependency involves a pattern of behavior that reinforces the codependent relationship. The codependent individual may feel an intense need to please their partner, often at the expense of their own needs or well-being. This behavior reinforces the belief that their self-worth is tied to their partner's happiness. This pattern often leads to feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration when their partner does not reciprocate the same level of care and attention.

Signs of Codependency

Some signs of codependency include:

• Putting the needs of others before your own

• Difficulty setting boundaries

• Feeling responsible for the actions and emotions of others

• Difficulty expressing your own emotions

• Fear of abandonment or rejection

• Difficulty making decisions without the input of others

• Low self-esteem or self-worth

• People-pleasing behavior

• Difficulty saying no

How Low Self-Worth Contributes to Codependency

Low self-worth is a major contributing factor to codependency. Individuals with low self-worth may believe that they are not deserving of love or attention and may seek validation from others to feel better about themselves. This can lead to a pattern of behavior where they become overly reliant on their partner for validation and approval. This behavior reinforces the belief that their self-worth is tied to their partner's happiness, leading to a toxic cycle of codependency.

Understanding the Fear of Rejection and Abandonment

The fear of rejection and abandonment is a common underlying factor in codependency. This fear may stem from childhood experiences where the individual did not receive the love and attention they needed from their caregivers. As a result, they may believe that they are unlovable or that they will be abandoned if they do not meet the needs of their partner. This fear can lead to a pattern of behavior where they become overly dependent on their partner for validation and approval, leading to a toxic cycle of codependency.

The Role of Unmet Needs and Neglect in Codependency

Unmet needs and neglect in childhood can also contribute to the development of codependency. If an individual did not receive the love and attention they needed from their caregivers, they may seek out these needs in their adult relationships. This can lead to a pattern of behavior where they become overly reliant on their partner for emotional support and validation. This behavior reinforces the belief that their self-worth is tied to their partner's happiness, leading to a toxic cycle of codependency.

Breaking the Pattern of Codependency

Breaking the pattern of codependency requires a commitment to self-growth and healing. It involves identifying the patterns of behavior that reinforce codependency and learning to establish healthy boundaries in relationships. This may involve seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, to work through childhood trauma and learn healthy coping mechanisms.

Building Self-Worth and Learning to Validate Yourself

Building self-worth is crucial for breaking the pattern of codependency. It involves learning to love and accept yourself for who you are and recognizing that your self-worth does not depend on the validation of others. This can involve practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and learning to express your emotions in a healthy way. By building self-worth, you can break the toxic cycle of codependency and create healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Seeking Professional Help for Codependency

Seeking professional help for codependency is a crucial step in breaking the pattern of codependency. A mental health professional can provide support, guidance, and tools to help you work through childhood trauma and learn healthy coping mechanisms. They can also help you establish healthy boundaries in relationships and build self-worth.

Conclusion: Creating Happy and Healthy Relationships Through Self-Love and Growth

In conclusion, codependency is a pattern of behavior that can be difficult to break but is crucial for building self-worth and creating healthy relationships. By understanding the toxic cycle of codependency, the signs of codependency, and the underlying factors that contribute to codependency, you can begin to break the pattern and create a healthier, more fulfilling life. By seeking professional help, building self-worth, and learning to validate yourself, you can create happy and healthy relationships through self-love and growth.

If you are struggling with codependency and would like to seek professional help, please reach out to a mental health professional in your area. Remember, you deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life, and breaking the pattern of codependency is the first step towards achieving that goal.

understanding the connection between trauma and anxiety: a comprehensive guide

As a mental health professional, I have seen firsthand the devastating effects of trauma on individuals. Trauma can affect one's mental health in a variety of ways, including anxiety disorders. In this comprehensive guide, I will explore the connection between trauma and anxiety, how family of origin impacts trauma and anxiety, recognizing patterns of behavior, the role of self-worth in trauma and anxiety, amygdala hyperactivity and fight-or-flight response, overcoming feelings of being unsafe and managing social anxiety, coping with uncertainty and relationship anxiety, and therapy options for trauma and anxiety.

What is trauma and how does it affect mental health?

Trauma is an emotional response to a distressing or disturbing event, such as sexual or physical abuse, domestic violence, or a natural disaster. When an individual experiences trauma, it can have a profound impact on their mental health. Trauma can cause anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other mental health disorders. People who experience trauma may also have difficulty regulating their emotions, which can lead to dysregulated behaviors.

The connection between trauma and anxiety

Trauma and anxiety are closely related. When an individual experiences trauma, their brain may become hyperactive, leading to a heightened state of anxiety. Anxiety can manifest in a variety of ways, including panic attacks, social anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Trauma can also cause an individual to feel unsafe or threatened, leading to increased anxiety.

Understanding the impact of family of origin on trauma and anxiety

Family of origin can have a significant impact on an individual's experience of trauma and anxiety. Childhood experiences, such as neglect or abuse, can lead to long-lasting trauma that affects mental health. Family of origin can also contribute to patterns of behavior that are related to trauma and anxiety. For example, if an individual grew up with a parent who was emotionally unavailable, they may struggle with attachment issues.

Recognizing patterns of behavior and how they relate to trauma and anxiety

Trauma can lead to patterns of behavior that are related to anxiety. For example, an individual who has experienced trauma may avoid situations that remind them of the traumatic event. They may also engage in self-destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse, to cope with their anxiety. Additionally, they may have adapted new behaviors, ways of thinking, or ways of viewing the world that have been created through the lens of their traumatic experiences or abusive relationships. An example of this is an anxious attachment style, as mentioned in the previous section.

Anxious attachment is one of four attachment styles identified by John Bowlby—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Anxious attachment can stem from early childhood experiences, such as inconsistent caregiving or neglect, and can impact relationships throughout life. An anxious attachment style is a relational pattern characterized by a high level of emotional dependence on others, fear of abandonment, and a tendency to seek reassurance from partners. Individuals with an anxious attachment style often feel insecure in their relationships. As a result, they may have difficulty trusting their partner or they may interpret small issues as signs of rejection or abandonment.

Recognizing these patterns of behavior—any patterns of behavior resulting from trauma—is an important step in addressing trauma and anxiety.

The role of self-worth in trauma and anxiety

Self-worth can also play a role in trauma and anxiety. An individual who has experienced trauma may develop negative beliefs about themselves, such as feeling unworthy or unlovable. These negative beliefs can contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression. Addressing these negative beliefs and building self-worth is an important part of healing from trauma and managing anxiety.

How negative experiences can lead to amygdala hyperactivity and impact the nervous system

The amygdala is a part of the brain that is responsible for processing emotions, including fear and anxiety. The amygdala plays a crucial role in the fight-or-flight response, which is the body's natural response to perceived threat or danger. When the amygdala senses a potential threat, it sends a signal to the hypothalamus, which activates the sympathetic nervous system. This results in the release of adrenaline and other stress hormones into the bloodstream, causing a rapid increase in heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration. The amygdala also activates the HPA axis, which triggers the release of cortisol, a stress hormone that helps the body respond to the perceived threat. These physiological changes prepare the body to either fight the threat or flee from it. In some cases, freeze response may also occur, where the body becomes immobile and unresponsive. Once the perceived threat is gone, the parasympathetic nervous system takes over, slowing down the body's physiological responses and returning it to a relaxed state.

When an individual experiences trauma, their amygdala may become hyperactive, leading to a heightened fight-or-flight response, or constant activation of the sympathetic nervous system. This can cause an individual to feel on edge or constantly on guard—experiencing heightened levels of anxiety and stress even in situations that are not actually threatening or dangerous. This can lead to avoidance behaviors and negatively impact daily life.

Coping with uncertainty

Accepting uncertainty in life after trauma can be a difficult but essential step towards healing and recovery. Trauma can shake our sense of safety and security, leaving us feeling vulnerable and uncertain about the future. However, it's important to acknowledge that uncertainty is a natural part of life and cannot be entirely avoided. Instead of trying to control every aspect of our lives, it's helpful to learn how to tolerate uncertainty and build resilience. This might involve developing coping strategies such as mindfulness, meditation, or seeking support from a therapist or support group. Accepting uncertainty can also mean learning to embrace and find meaning in the present moment, rather than constantly worrying about the future. While it may be challenging, accepting uncertainty can ultimately lead to a greater sense of peace and freedom, allowing us to move forward with our lives even in the face of uncertainty.

Uncertainty can also contribute to anxiety, particularly in relationships. Individuals who have experienced trauma may struggle with trust and may have difficulty with intimate relationships. Coping with uncertainty involves addressing these trust issues and developing healthy coping strategies to manage anxiety in relationships.

Therapy options for trauma and anxiety

There are a variety of therapy options available for individuals who have experienced trauma and anxiety. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a common treatment option that focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is another therapy option that helps individuals process traumatic memories. There are many approaches that can help individuals with trauma and anxiety; any therapist that prioritizes a safe therapeutic relationship can help clients to heal simply through experiencing security within the relationship.

Conclusion

Trauma can have a profound impact on an individual's mental health, including anxiety disorders. It is important to recognize the connection between trauma and anxiety, as well as the impact of family of origin, patterns of behavior, and self-worth. Developing coping strategies to manage anxiety, addressing feelings of being unsafe, and seeking therapy are important steps in healing from trauma and managing anxiety. Remember that healing is a journey, and it is important to seek support along the way.

blame vs. accountability

Often, as people-pleasers & codependents, it’s easy to blame ourselves for events or experiences. We believe we are responsible for others’ feelings or the outcome of situations, so when someone is not happy (even after we tried to boost their mood or assume what they needed) or there was an awkward experience, our fingers immediately point inward, towards ourselves.

It is extremely uncomfortable to even think about blaming someone else. It may even seem impossible, since it might not align with our core beliefs or conditions of worth we hold for ourselves. Those beliefs might sound like “I’m always wrong,” “I need to give others what they need in order to receive love,” or “I’m not worthy of unconditional love & acceptance”.

While we want to reach a place where we acknowledge we are not to blame for everything, we also don’t want to be pointing fingers at others, either. This isn’t because it’s unkind—it’s because it gives away our control. When we blame others, we are saying that the problem we have is because of what someone else did to us. It keeps us in a codependent pattern, unable to take back our own power & claim the control we have in our own lives.

On the other hand, accountability is a way to acknowledge what happened and who is responsible. It places responsibility on those who caused harm (whether they meant to or not) and acknowledges that consequences follow actions. It also allows us to keep our power and decide what we want to do about what we have control over, including our actions and our own healing. We remove the codependent patterns, or the dependence on others’ actions.

This applies just as much to blaming ourselves. When we blame ourselves for the outcome of a situation, we are ignoring the capabilities that others have. We are taking a lot of power and control that isn’t all ours by claiming that we are at fault. Instead, when we acknowledge our part in a situation—by taking accountability—we can also see that we are not responsible for things that are not in our control, including others’ feelings or the outcome of an experience.

Pia Mellody distinguishes between blame and accountability in her book “Facing Codependence” and the accompanying workbook, “Breaking Free”.

feelings vs. thoughts

One way to gain emotional awareness is through recognizing the difference between feelings & thoughts. We often confuse the two in our everyday language. "I feel like that's a good idea" or "I feel that you're trying to avoid the topic" are both actually thoughts, not feelings.

Using "feel" at the beginning of a thought can make an accusation seem softer. It can also be a way to avoid vulnerability. "I feel that you're trying to avoid the topic" is easier to say than "I feel hurt when you change the subject." But that second option actually includes a feeling--feeling hurt.

Try to notice when you start a sentence with "I feel..." If a feeling word (angry, happy, confused, sad, embarrassed) doesn't follow, there are two things we can do.

1. We can correct our language to align with the thought we are having. "It seems..." "I notice..." "I think..." are all good phrases to begin our thoughts.

2. We can pause to see if there is a feeling we are experiencing that we aren't acknowledging. Perhaps there is a thought and a feeling that seem appropriate to share: "I feel like that's a good idea" can become "I feel excited, I think that's a great idea."

While this is semantic, it encourages vulnerability with ourselves & others as we pause to be intentional about our language around our emotions. I feel confident that distinguishing between your thoughts & feelings will lead to increased emotional awareness :)

our What & our Why

Two of the most basic counseling skills we are taught as therapists are Reflection of content & Reflection of meaning. Reflection of content is a response we give to a client that reflects on their content—the What of their story. Reflection of meaning is a response we provide that reflects on the deeper meaning underneath their content—the Why of their story.

For example, if a client shares that they heard about a separate text thread their friends have, a reflection of content—their What—might be: “You found out that there’s a group chat you’re not part of.” The reflection of meaning—their Why—might be: “You feel unwanted.”

Our What’s are the things that happen in our daily experiences; our Why’s are the ways these uniquely impact us because of our inner beliefs about ourselves. Increased self-awareness comes as we feel something come up for us, and instead of only acknowledging our What, showing curiosity to figure out our Why.

Perhaps my sister & I had planned to FaceTime. Then she told me a few minutes before that she was hanging out with a friend & wouldn’t be able to chat anymore. If I started feeling hurt, I could acknowledge my What—that my sister changed our plans. I could also dig deeper and acknowledge my Why—that I felt unconsidered & unimportant.

This awareness & distinction between our What & our Why is also valuable in communicating with others. In this same example, if I responded to my sister: “You can’t just change plans on me!” this would come across differently than “I felt unimportant when you chose other plans over our scheduled FaceTime.”

Sharing our Why is vulnerable: it can feel scary! It also isn’t always appropriate or necessary depending on the Who & our corresponding boundaries. But within a safe context, our Why can allow us to show up more authentically while providing the opportunity for deeper connection with others.

Start to pay attention to What impacts you throughout your day today. Then take it a step further & ask—Why?

acknowledging our needs

For those of us who have a difficult time creating boundaries, we might often believe our boundaries are selfish, causing us to invalidate our own needs.

This belief likely came from previous experiences where we felt invalidated as we expressed our needs to others. This taught us we would not be accepted or loved if we tried to show up for ourselves in a relationship.

As we work to heal those wounds & change those negative beliefs, it is important to remember that in every situation that involves another person, there are two people to consider: the other person & ourselves.

As people pleasers, we have leaned far into the belief that we will be accepted or loved if we ignore our needs & show up for others. We have gotten very good at considering only one person in each situation: the other person.

To start leaning the other way, towards the hopeful belief that we can be loved & accepted even (or especially!) when we acknowledge our needs, we need to first start considering what our needs might be.

This can be very uncomfortable, as we've possibly even forgotten how to tap into our needs: safety meant ignoring those needs & focusing completely on others' needs. that safety brought acceptance & love.

As people pleasers, we often believe we can easily answer "what would the other person want in this situation?" Let's hold onto that question and start to ask it in a different way.

"What would the other person want in this situation? And what would I want in this situation?" How would it look to acknowledge both of those needs? How would it feel?

Let's say a friend asks if we are free. We know they want us to go to a movie with them, so that they're not alone. We know what they want. But what do we want? Maybe we want some alone time, or maybe we don't even want to see that movie.

It's a simple but scary shift to acknowledge our own needs in each situation. But this is the key to validating our needs & creating boundaries. This shift can shape & change our responses, our boundaries & how we show up in our lives.

polarized thinking

Cognitive distortions are just like they sound: they’re cognitions (thoughts or perceptions) we have that are distorted. In other words, they are mental filters we’ve created that are faulty ways of thinking. We have unknowingly created these filters for some reason—perhaps they bring us safety, or give us some sense of control or understanding of the world around us. But these filters also fuel anxiety and can result in negative self-worth, as we close our minds off to possibilities & complexities. There are many kinds of cognitive distortions, some of which I’ll highlight in various posts. Becoming aware of what cognitive distortions we tend to see our experiences through can be very helpful to start changing our perspective and challenging the way we see things. Awareness brings choices, and choices bring change!

One type of cognitive distortion Polarized Thinking. This cognitive distortion is when we resort to all-or-nothing, black-or-white, dichotomous thinking. Life is full of complexity & contradiction, so this distorted way of thinking keeps us from accepting many outcomes & possibilities. Polarized thinking also provides us with a false sense of control as we try to make sense of things by seeing only in limited outcomes. Those limited outcomes might sound like good/bad, right/wrong, perfect/failure.

Examples of Polarized Thinking:

• “I made a mistake at work today so I’m a complete failure & my boss hates me.”

• “I ate a cookie so my whole diet is blown, I may as well eat the whole box.”

When have you experienced polarized thinking?

name it to tame it

Daniel Siegel is a psychiatrist & author who has written many books & contributed greatly to our knowledge of mindfulness & attachment theory. He coined the phrase: “name it to tame it.” This describes the process of recognizing & acknowledging emotions as they are happening. As we NAME our emotions, we can actually TAME the stress & anxiety we experience due to those very emotions.

Seems way too simple, right? It kind of is, actually. When we experience anything threatening or uncertain—like unknown emotions—our brain registers this as a signal to go into fight-or-flight mode. By labeling our emotions when we experience them, we create more certainty & our prefrontal cortex is reactivated as we calm down.

Of course, actually doing this in practice is not as simple. If we grew up in homes where we weren’t taught that emotions were okay to feel, or if we don’t know how to recognize various emotions as they come up for us, we might not have a strong foundation to start from. I love using www.feelingswheel.com to check-in with my emotions regularly through the day. It’s taken some time over the past few years to increase my emotional granularity (the ability to differentiate between specific emotions) but I have made progress. When I feel something come up in my body, or notice some sensation or behavior that clues me into the fact that I’m not acknowledging a certain emotion, I pause & pull out my feelings wheel. As I do so, I feel more in-control & I feel empowered as I gain understanding of my experience—as I NAME it, I’m able to TAME it :)

boundaries: loving others AND ourselves

Boundaries are there so that we don't forget that there are two people in a relationship: we are one of those people! For those of us who have a tendency to give more than is required in a relationship--or give more than receive--we can sometimes grow resentful & forget that WE also deserve to be loved by ourselves too! Our own actions within relationships can betray our needs, wants, or values. Boundaries are the rules we make for ourselves that can keep us in line with our needs, wants, and values--an act of showing love to ourselves.

So here's a reminder that boundaries allow us to love others in the amounts that we are able & capable of doing....while ALSO loving ourselves at the same time!

what roles do we take on?

In my previous post, I talked about conditions of worth. These conditions of worth can also be called a “role-self,” defined by Lindsay C. Gibson in her book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” Essentially, these two related terms define the experience when we feel valued for what we are doing, not for who we are. As I mentioned in the previous post, once we have put a condition on our worth, we begin living under the false belief that we must be doing something in our relationships in order to receive love. Unfortunately though, this is not sustainable & while the condition (or formula) feels safe, it is not a way for us to live authentically. In essence, as Gibson says in her book, “unconditional love cannot be bought by conditional behavior.” As we continue to show up a certain way in order to feel loved or accepted, we are perpetuating an inauthentic relationship—we are not showing up as ourselves (we are taking on a role—or playing a role-self) & we are not receiving unconditional love, since we are acting transactionally (trying to “buy” love through our behavior).

The following are some questions you might begin to ask yourself to explore your conditions of worth (or your role-self). As you figure out how you show up in relationships in order to receive love, you can start to challenge why you believe you have to show up that way.

1. How do I want others to view me in my relationships? What image do I try to maintain?
2. Is there anything I complain about doing in most of my relationships? If so, what is it?
3. When do I feel guilty in relationships? What do I do to try to avoid that guilt?
4. What do I wish others would do for me in relationships? What do I wish others would ask me?
5. What trait do I have that seems to be undervalued or unrecognized in my relationships?

human beings, not human doings

We often believe we are only wanted or loved for the things we can do or provide in relationships. Carl Rogers called this a “condition of worth” in his theory of Person-centered counseling. A condition of worth is almost like a formula, or a fill-in-the-blank:

“I need to _________* in order to feel loved.”

* be happy
* take care of others
* make others laugh
* keep the peace
* not be needy

Our individual conditions of worth guide our everyday decisions & actions. These beliefs don’t flow through our minds as conscious thoughts: we are not constantly thinking “I need to be happy in order to feel loved” as we go throughout our day. Instead, these beliefs are so engrained in us that they provide the subconscious structure for how we show up in the world in order to gain acceptance or worth. In other words, they are the false beliefs that we need to be doing something in order to be loved; we cannot just simply be loved for who we are.

So how do we go about removing these false beliefs? Awareness of our conditions of worth is an important first step, allowing us to explore & understand where these beliefs came from. Once we make sense of the painful beginnings where we started putting ourselves into boxes—or put a condition on our worth—we are beginning the process of validating our experience. Validating our experience allows us to take back power. As we validate ourselves--including our needs, our wants, our worth--we can slowly remove the conditions on our worth as we remind ourselves we can be loved regardless of what we do or provide in our relationships. We are all worthy of love & connection just as we are—we are human beings, not human doings.

the power of “and”

A main component of person-centered therapy is self-actualization. Self-actualization is the process of becoming more & more who one is; realizing (& reaching) one’s full potential. This requires acceptance of the positive & negative aspects of being human.

To be open to experience (another component of person-centered therapy) means that one does not deny or reject parts of who they are or parts of their experience. This acceptance & integration is a tricky process. It is much easier to utilize binary thinking. Binary thinking brings certainty: it’s much easier & safer to put experiences, people, even ourselves into categories.

-Today was a good day.
-My best friend is considerate.
-I am a hard worker.

It can feel threatening to sit with complexities & contradictions, so we prefer to justify using “but” & make choices using “or”:

-I had a pretty rough morning, BUT my lunch was delicious & I enjoyed work: so today was a good day.
-Sometimes my best friend doesn’t think about how I might feel, BUT she often reaches out to me: so she is considerate.
-I am either a hard worker OR I am not (I might be confused about my ability, strengths, & even my identity if some of my experiences prove I am not a hard worker): so I am a hard worker.

We often forget about the power of “AND.” This is how we can move towards self-actualization & find more comfort with ambiguity. When our thinking is not binary—when things or people don’t need to be black-or-white—we become more open to the human experience:

-I had a pretty rough morning AND my lunch was delicious AND I enjoyed work. Today was both difficult AND fulfilling.
-My friend does so much for me AND sometimes I don’t feel considered by her.
-I am struggling in school AND I am a hard worker.

See how that can change everything? It doesn’t mean everything is more comfortable; we will likely have to acknowledge or make sense of things through a new lens. But that new lens means we are taking in more of our experience & finding ways to accept all of it.

So join me today: let’s pause when we notice ourselves using “but” or “or” thinking. Let’s try to reframe the same thought, utilizing the power of “and.”

values vs. roles

We all have values. From security to risk-taking, community to independence, & peace to power, these values shape who we are. I find that asking clients to identify their values provides them with a sense of identity & provides us (within the therapeutic relationship) a foundation to work from as we examine & explore their life experiences.

When an experience doesn't sit well with us, we might ask: was I moving towards or away from my values? When we feel proud of how we responded in a strained moment, we might ask: what value was I leaning into? When we are reevaluating a boundary, we might ask: how does this align with my values?

As a people lover, my list of values includes connection, empathy, love, & altruism, to name a few. As a people pleaser, these quickly shift from being values to becoming a role I play. Sometimes, I am caretaking as a value. And other times, I am caretaking as a role--it fulfills a need, allowing me to feel worthy of love as I pay my dues, in the currency of my values.

The trick is for us to note when this shift happens. We all have our own patchwork quit of values & we all have our own alert system to let us know when we are stepping away from those values. Whether we feel it in our gut, or whether we notice ourselves behaving inauthentically, becoming aware of those moments when we cross the line can be beneficial & even crucial to our growth.

So pause with me at some moment today & ask: Am I acting from a place of my values or am I acting out a role?

(Brene Brown has a wonderful list of values: https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values)