re-learning safety as a codependent
as codependents, we need to re-learn what safety means.
let’s talk about what safety used to look like for us & what it actually is now:
codependence is learned in our family of origin. in childhood, we learned to forget our feelings, thoughts & needs. instead, we focused our energy & attention on others’ feelings, thoughts & needs.
let’s show some compassion towards this behavior: it kept us safe as children. but in adult relationships, safety looks different now. it’s time that we re-learn what safety looks & feels like.
safety used to look like making decisions for others. safety is actually respecting others’ autonomy & independence—letting them have responsibility for themselves.
safety used to look like self-abandonment & self-neglect. safety is actually prioritizing ourselves & establishing self-care habits & routines.
safety used to look like letting others do whatever they wanted to ensure their acceptance or even kindness towards us. safety is actually establishing clear boundaries to ensure we are treated well in our relationships.
you have the control & power over your life & relationships. while you cannot guarantee others will be a safe space, you can create safety for yourself. it’s time to re-learn what safety means.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
boundaries versus requests
A big difference between requests & boundaries is follow-through. Here’s a metaphor to highlight that difference:
Driving along a road, we might notice the speed limit is 35 mph. This is a request: “please drive under the speed limit”. We can go over the speed limit & we won’t always have a consequence to our actions.
On that same road, a speed camera is installed. Anytime someone drives over the speed limit, their picture is taken & they get a ticket. This is a boundary: “please drive under the speed limit. If you go over, you will be ticketed.”
We can make requests all we want but true change comes when there are consequences to actions. In our relationships, if we don’t enforce our boundaries, people will learn that they don’t have to listen to our requests. We’ll keep experiencing the same relationship patterns.
Here are some ways to differentiate between the two:
Requests are verbal. Boundaries can be verbal or non-verbal (they might be the actions we use to show what we are/are not okay with).
Requests are the influence we hope to have in a relationship. Boundaries are what we are responsible for in a relationship.
Requests are unenforceable, we can ask someone to change their behavior but we can’t control their behavior. Boundaries are the control we have over our own needs in response to someone else's behavior.
Requests might be thought of as a first course of action, or a way for us to express our needs. Boundaries might be thought of as the follow-through, or the consequence to someone’s actions (or lack of action) towards our needs.
Request: "Can you please stop raising your voice during our conversations?" Boundary: "I will be going into the other room since you are yelling at me."
Request: "Would you be able to help with your half of the laundry?" Boundary: "I can't keep doing all of the laundry for both of us. I'll only be washing my clothes from now on."
In short: make requests. Then follow-through with boundaries.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
how to find a therapist: a comprehensive guide
How do I find a therapist?
If you’ve asked yourself (or a close friend) this very question, you’re not alone. Finding a therapist can feel overwhelming, complicated & hopeless. Even as a therapist, I understand the difficulty—as a client who has worked to find my own therapist multiple times, I know it can be a struggle. While personality is an important part of therapist-client fit, there are a lot of other factors & barriers that make it complex to find a therapist. I’ve created a multi-part guide that will hopefully give you a little extra support & hope in the process. You’ve got this!
I. Where do I look for therapists?
It can feel overwhelming to know where to even start looking for a therapist. The following includes two non-comprehensive lists of therapist directories & listing sites—there are many directories to choose from, even likely many more than I’ve listed.
General Directories:
Psychology Today
Mental Health Match
Therapy Den
Open Path Collective
Online Therapy Directory
Zencare
Therapy Tribe
Good Therapy
Being Seen
Therapy Directory Online
Mint Leaf
Therapist.com
Choosing Therapy
Zoc Doc
Therapy By Pro
Therapeasy
For general directories, I'd suggest starting with Psychology Today & Mental Health Match. Psychology Today is commonly used by mental health professionals, so it will likely have the most comprehensive list. Mental Health Match provides a questionnaire regarding your needs for therapy & tries to match you accordingly with therapists.
Psychology Today, along with other directories on the general list, is fairly user-friendly, with options to sort & filter therapists based on categories including (but not limited to) session rate, racial identity, religious orientation, insurance accepted & issues treated.
Specific Directories (based on interest or identity):
Inclusive Therapists
Latinx Therapy
Therapy for Black Girls
Clinicians of Color
Asian Mental Health Collective
Unmute Provider Network
Thriving Campus
Secular Therapy Project
Climate-Aware Therapist Directory
Additionally, there are counseling associations for various issues, interests or identities. Many of these have directories as part of the organization's website for therapists who are part of that association. If you have a specific type of therapist you are searching for, you might even google to see the available options/directories.
II. What about the cost of therapy?
Paying for a therapist out-of-pocket can be quite expensive. If your insurance doesn't cover therapy (or you don't have insurance), or if you are not in a place to pay for some of the session fees your search is yielding, I have a few suggestions for you.
Open Path Collective
Open Path Collective (www.openpathcollective.org) is a non-profit for those needing lower-cost sessions. There is a one-time sign-up fee of $65, then therapy sessions (individual, couples & family) range from $40 - $80. You can look through the directory prior to joining to view the therapist options.
Sliding Scale Rates
Some therapists offer session slots at a reduced rate, called a sliding scale. This often depends on the client's income. Two options for seeking a sliding scale include through Psychology Today (there is a Sliding Scale filter, you will still need to ask each therapist their sliding scale rates) or e-mailing therapists inquiring if they offer a sliding scale.
University Counseling Centers
If there is a nearby university that offers degrees in mental health counseling, you can likely receive reduced-rate sessions on-campus from the therapists in-training (masters or doctoral students). While they are still students, these new therapists receive extensive supervision & are very intentional & passionate, so the services they offer are exceptional.
Therapists-In-Training
Besides student therapists completing on-campus practicum requirements, there are varying levels of counselor training. Some of these titles vary by state, but you might search for "intern," "associate," "student," "in-training" in your area or through general therapist directories. Therapists who are not fully licensed will often have relatively lower session rates than those who have completed licensure or who have more training.
III. What do all the therapist titles mean?
I get a lot of questions from friends as they search for therapists. I commonly get asked what the difference is between the therapist titles. Some of this is semantic & some of this might provide you with helpful information to distinguish the type of help you are seeking.
What's the difference between a therapist, counselor, & psychotherapist?
Nothing! These words are (confusingly) used interchangeably.
What do all these acronyms mean?
Great question. Let's start with Licensed Mental Health Counselors (LMHC) & Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC). These are different names for the same profession. The title varies by state because each state has its own licensing board that determines the requirements & title.
Other titles, depending on the state:
LPC-MH (Licensed Professional Counselor Mental Health)
LCMHC (Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor)
LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor)
...amongst others. You can read more about credential titles on the American Counseling Association’s website.
Yes, it's very confusing. If you see an "A" at the beginning or end of those acronyms (e.g. LPC-A), that means the therapist is an Associate, or they are in training to be fully licensed.
Aren't there other acronyms too, for similar professions?
Yes. Here are a few:
LMSW (Licensed Master of Social Work--they are still in training)
LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker--they are fully licensed)
LMFT (Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist)
There's no real need to worry about these titles. As long as your therapist is properly licensed & they have training for your issues & needs, you're all good!
What about psychiatrists & psychologists?
While there are other similarities & differences between psychiatrists, psychologists & therapists, here's what you should know:
Psychiatrists: can provide diagnosis, & prescribe medication. They can provide talk therapy but often do not.
Psychologists: can provide talk therapy. They also focus on administering & interpreting psychological assessments for in-depth diagnosis.
IV. What therapy approach is best?
Each therapist chooses a mix of theories, approaches, trainings & modalities that fit the way they see the world & how they focus their efforts with clients. There is no “best” approach, it simply depends on what each client wants, why they’re seeking therapy, & the style they prefer. This will be a very brief summary meant to send you in the right direction by highlighting common approaches—there are many more out there.
Behavioral Theories
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Focuses on how thoughts affect emotions & behaviors. Goal-oriented, direct & structured. Utilizes critical thinking to challenge thoughts & beliefs. Helpful for anxiety, depression, phobias, OCD.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) Greater focus on emotional & social aspects than CBT. Teaches clients healthy coping skills & to regulate extreme emotions. Helpful for self-harm, suicidal ideation, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Other Behavioral Theories: Acceptance & Committment Therapy (ACT) & Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT)
Humanistic Theories: In comparison to CBT's focus on thoughts & symptoms, humanistic theories focus on the client's unique holistic experience of the world. Additional key elements include the client's self-discovery, feelings autonomy, view of the world & potential for growth. The therapist places priority on how they show up in the relationship & displaying warmth & understanding. Humanistic approaches are non-directive & less structured.
Some humanistic theories include Person-centered, Existential, & Gestalt
Past-focused Theories: Psychodynamic, Attachment-based, Adlerian
Constructivist Theories: These theories are based on the belief that humans are meaning-makers & create their own reality—the focus is on where the client wants their life to go.
Some constructivist theories include Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) & Narrative Therapy.
Systemic Theories: These are based on the idea that an individual's experience is shaped & affected by the systems & groups they are a part of).
Some systemic theories include Family Systems Therapy, Gottman Method (for couples) & Feminist Therapy.
Somatic Approaches: These focus on the mind-body connection to release emotions & regulate/ground the nervous system. They are helpful for treating trauma.
Some somatic approaches include Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR), Somatic Experiencing (SE), Polyvagal Theory, Mindfulness & Breath-work.
Other Approaches
Internal Family Systems (IFS): an integrative approach for trauma that compassionately explores one’s inner wounded “parts”
Exposure Response Prevention (ERP): the “gold standard” for OCD treatment
Brainspotting: a treatment where the therapist is able to bypass conscious thinking through spots in the client’s vision field to access & release stored trauma
Experiential Therapy
Did you know there are other ways to engage in therapeutic work other than traditional talk therapy? Experiential therapy provides alternate ways of processing & comfort or safety for specific clients’ needs (like through animal-assisted therapy). These modalities accommodate the fact that people learn & interact with the world in different ways. Options include:
Animal-Assisted Therapy
Play Therapy
Sandtray Therapy
Expressive Arts (Visual Art, Sculpting, Music, Dance, Psychodrama)
Wilderness Therapy
Adventure Therapy
Trauma-informed Yoga Therapy
Walk & Talk Therapy
As I mentioned, this is not a comprehensive list of theories & approaches. These will likely be ones that come up in your search, since they are among the more common approaches.
It is also important to note that therapists will often hold an eclectic or integrative approach. As an example, a therapist may take a general humanistic approach, while incorporating CBT techniques & certain modalities for trauma, like EMDR or IFS. Each theory & approach brings something important to the mental health field. Since every client is unique, it is beneficial for therapists to utilize multiple techniques according to the client’s needs.
So how do I use all of this information?
You’ll need to decide for yourself what kind of therapy experience you want. Do you want a structured or flexible approach? One that focuses on thoughts & behaviors or processing emotions? Past-focused or present-focused (or future focused, like some parts of Constructivist theories)? Do you want to focus on alleviating specific symptoms & problems or are you looking for holistic self-awareness & growth? Are you seeking help for a specific disorder or diagnosis?*
*While I mentioned some approaches that are helpful for certain disorders, most approaches can treat a range of disorders & presenting issues. Some, like ERP for OCD, were developed specifically for certain disorders & are scientifically proven to be the best treatment method for those disorders.
While humanistic therapists focus on the strength of the therapeutic relationship, all therapists would likely agree that fit is not just important, but necessary. We can only become vulnerable with ourselves if we are in a space where we feel unconditionally accepted. Feeling safe in therapy is mandatory for us to become more authentic &work towards healing.
Sit down & ask yourself what a safe relationship would look or feel like to you. When you have your first session, check in with yourself to see if those components are present in the newly established therapeutic relationship (or if it seems they have potential to develop soon). If your gut tells you to find someone else, listen to that. Many therapists even offer a free consultation call for a low-stake initial commitment. It may take time to find the right fit, but it is worth it. Because you are worth it :)
Good luck on your search! & happy healing :)
religion & our locus of evaluation
Religion can impact our locus of evaluation. Here’s what this means:
According to Carl Rogers, there are two ways in which we evaluate ourselves & make judgments: internally or externally.
An internal locus of evaluation means that we assess the world & judge ourselves based on our own internal values & intuition. An external locus of evaluation means we look externally to determine what we think about ourselves.
We are taught through experience that looking externally feels safer: when we gauge our performance or make our decisions based on what others would do or what we are told is “right,” we have a greater chance of success, belonging & acceptance.
Since an internal locus of evaluation threatens that acceptance & belonging, we can easily lose sense of our intuition. We forget what we think is best & we forget how to listen to our gut when we are faced with a choice.
This is especially pertinent when religion is added to the mix. Religion is our moral compass or our deeply ingrained external locus of evaluation—we look to what we are taught by leaders, scriptures, & lessons to know how to act & what to be.
It feels simple & easy to go along with whatever we are told to do. But this not only keeps us from developing an internal locus of evaluation, it keeps us in an external perspective, always thinking of what others would do.
This external locus of evaluation can keep us in a state of comparison & a judgmental mindset. This might bring constant awareness that others are also looking to us with that same comparison & judgment (also known as hypervigilance).
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
positivity & other engrained traits
Something I wish I had known as I deconstructed my religious values: it doesn’t really matter where certain parts of myself came from as long as I feel authentic & in-control of those parts. Here’s what I mean:
As I re-examined my beliefs, I got stuck on something. What parts of me are genuinely me & which parts of me are influenced by religion but are so engrained in my being that it’s hard to tell the difference?
This question would constantly come up when I thought about my optimism. Positivity is one of my core personality traits: anyone who knows me could point this out. But positivity is also something that is highlighted within religion: seek joy, find the purpose in your trials, strive for eternal happiness.
Especially as a female coming from a conservative religion, I wondered how much of that optimism had been pounded into me. Was I naturally an optimistic person? Or did I learn that I had to be?
I have now come to realize that what matters is that I feel authentic & in-control of my values, beliefs & traits. And as always, it’s not so black-and-white. Regarding my gift of positivity, I determined that there were some harmful beliefs I was taught that I chose to remove from this trait. And I also determined that this trait felt like it belong to me at my core.
It took trusting my gut to know this. When I was with people I felt genuinely safe & unconditionally loved by, I noticed how I authentically acted. Positivity was part of me. I can trust that I’m the one who knows that best, because there will never be a clear answer as to which parts of me are nature (my true self) & which parts of me are nurture (coming from religion).
Religion will always be a part of me. Since it is part of my identity & past experiences, it has influenced me to be the person I am today. As long as I feel authentic & in-control of my beliefs, values, & traits—choosing them for myself—then I’m okay with who I am.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
what do time boundaries sound like?
Time boundaries are self-explanatory: they are boundaries around our time. They protect our time: what we spend it on, who we spend it with, how long we spend it. Time boundaries sound like:
“I am so excited to see you tonight for dinner. I'll only have an hour to spend with you before I need to head home.”
“I won’t be answering e-mails while I’m on my trip.”
“I feel apprehensive initiating plans with you after you canceled last-minute the past few times. I’ll need you to make the plans if you want to hang out again.”
“I reserve my mornings for myself. You can leave voicemails at that time but I won’t be responding to calls until I’m ready.”
“I’m glad you could finally make it; our meeting was scheduled to start fifteen minutes ago. We will still be ending at the scheduled time.”
“I’m happy to have your company as I run errands; however, I know you like to window shop & I won’t be able to deviate from the schedule I have.”
“The last time I offered to babysit you came home an hour later than communicated. I won’t be able to help again in the future.”
Remember: we don’t need to justify how we spend our time. We don’t need to provide a reason in order to make a valid excuse. Our time is precious & we know our own limits & needs.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
religious disenchantment
Let’s talk about religious disenchantment.
First, let’s define disenchantment: a feeling of disappointment about someone or something you previously respected or admired; disillusionment.
E. Marshall Brooks wrote a book on religious disenchantment (titled Disenchanted Lives). Brooks, while not Mormon himself, studied ex-Mormons in Utah & wrote about their unique experience with religious disenchantment.
Brooks describes religious disenchantment as “an acute form of culture collapse…in which the all-encompassing symbolic-existential framework undergirding everyday reality crumbles.”
He writes that those who left the religion “experienced debilitating distress as their physical, social, and symbolic surroundings lost their once comforting familiarity and were transfigured into something strange and unsettling.”
He sums up these individuals’ experience by stating that their “system of meaning, of which their self-concept had been built, no longer brought comfort. Instead, they felt as if their world had collapsed…there was a sense of despair and meaninglessness. At its most extreme, these ex-Mormons experienced a total dissolution of their personality.”
It’s important that we bring research into these experiences, where not much research has been done. I want to highlight the main points & phrases of Brooks’ summary of religious disenchantment to normalize what some might experience when they leave a religion.
“culture collapse”
“everyday reality crumbles”
“debilitating distress”
“comforting familiarity is lost”
“strange & unsettling”
“despair & meaninglessness”
“total dissolution of personality”
These painful & devastating experiences should not have to be normalized, but this is a reminder that leaving religion is not simple. You have permission to acknowledge it for what it is: a complete shift of identity & everything you have known.
Religious disenchantment is complex. It is painful to feel disillusionment & disappointment over something that once provided you with meaning, structure, identity & community.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
5 current signs you were parentified as a child
Parentification is what happens when a child takes on responsibilities that should be handled by their parent or caretaker. This can either be emotional parentification (mediating, listening to the parent’s problems or providing advice) or instrumental (cleaning, cooking, taking care of siblings).
Here are 5 current signs you were parentified as a child:
You tie your self-worth to your achievements & actions.
(Why: as a child, your parents praised you for being responsible & good when you provided them with support.)
You believe your needs are burdens to others & likely can’t even identify or acknowledge them.
(Why: as a child, your needs weren’t adequately taken care of by your parents. You learned to neglect your needs as you focused on others’ needs, namely your parents.)
You have difficulty establishing your sense of self.
(Why: as a child, your identity was formed in relation to your parents & what you could provide them.)
You feel responsible for others’ emotions & try to help them feel happy & comfortable.
(Why: as a child, you believed you were responsible for your parents’ emotions as you mediated conflict, listened to their complaints & cheered them up.)
You are unable to easily access your emotions.
(Why: as a child, there wasn’t a safe space to feel or express your emotions—the focus was on your parents’ emotions.)
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
“thank you” vs. “i’m sorry”
“Thank you” might be a good substitution instead of “I’m sorry”. Here’s why:
The fawn trauma response often elicits feelings of guilt when we are unable to please others. As a result, we come to believe that we’re to blame for situations that we’re a part of. We also might develop a habit of over-apologizing, especially when we aren’t to blame or when an apology isn’t due.
We can replace “I’m sorry” with “thank you” if an apology isn’t actually needed. This not only helps rewire our belief that we’re always to blame, but it acknowledges our appreciation for how others are showing up for us.
Say we drove to pick a friend up & traffic was really bad on our way over. Instead of: “I’m so sorry I’m late!” we might say: “Thank you for being patient!”
Or maybe our partner agreed to come try a new restaurant with us & they didn’t like their food. “I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy the meal” can become “Thank you for being up to try new things with me!”
Or maybe we haven’t talked on the phone with our sibling in a long time—maybe we haven’t had the emotional energy or the time to connect meaningfully with them. “I’m so sorry I’m a horrible sister!” might turn into “Thank you for always being there, even when it’s been awhile.”
We aren’t always to blame. We don’t need to send the message to ourselves or others that we’re at fault when we aren’t.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
four things boundaries are not
Four things boundaries are not:
Ultimatums, Reactions, or Threats. Boundaries are non-negotiable—they are facts. Boundaries do not change dependent on others’ behavior. Boundaries are best decided upon & communicated while in a grounded, intentional state.
Walls. Unlike the walls we might put up when we distrust others or fear rejection in relationships, boundaries are more like fences. These fences are placed for our safety, and allow us to have a relationship with others. They don’t shut others out: instead, they let others know how to show up within a relationship with us.
Attempts to change others. We don’t have control over others: only ourselves. Sure, our boundaries might influence others, since they let others know what we will & will not tolerate, but the changes made come from us, not others. Boundaries are not: “You can’t yell at me!” Boundaries are: “When you yell at me, I’m going to walk away.”
Always easy. Boundaries are shifts in our behavior and in the relationship we have with someone else. Old habits die hard & patterns are easy to fall into. That’s okay! With time, we can create, maintain & reinforce the boundaries we want & need in our relationships.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
reclaiming anger
Let’s reclaim anger. Here’s what I mean:
In conservative religions, we are taught that anger is bad. Just like all emotions, anger is neither good nor bad. Also just like all emotions, if we welcome anger (instead of pushing it away for fear of it being “bad”), we can learn what anger is trying to tell us.
What can anger tell us? Brené Brown defines anger as “an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of the desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be.”
Let that sink in: anger comes up for us when we feel violated. Anger can indicate that we are are feeling wronged or harmed. Anger is our protector, looking out for us. Anger takes care of us & advocates for us.
Anger is not bad. Anger is not of the devil. Anger does not need to be prayed away. Anger does not need to be pushed down. Anger does not need to be replaced with charity.
Anger can be embraced. We can feel anger. We can learn from our anger. Our anger is just that—it’s ours. We can reclaim it for ourselves.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
intersecting identities vs. intersectionality
Intersecting Identities: "the concept that an individual's identity consists of multiple, intersecting social categorizations, including but not limited to gender identity, gender expression, race, ethnicity, class, religious beliefs, sexual identity & sexual expression."
Intersectionality: "the interconnected nature of those social categorizations as they apply to a given individual or group, regarded as creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage."
It’s a fact that we each have a unique web of intersecting identities that interact with each other in ways that influence our experience. Religion plays a part in that. It’s also a fact that many people experience intersectionality. Religion plays a big part in that.
Take, for example, a white, heterosexual, upper-class cisgender female who is Mormon. While her experience of all her identities are affected by her religion, her experience being female impacts how she is treated within her religion & how she is told to act & behave within her religion.
Another example: a black, gay, middle-class cisgender male who is Mormon. Again, while all his identities are intertwined with his religion, his experience being gay & black very much shapes how he is treated within his religion & how he is told to act & behave within his religion.
Let’s remember:
Understanding our intersecting identities within religion can bring further awareness of our experiences.
Understanding the intersectionality that we experience within religion can bring further validation to our experiences.
Understanding intersectionality of others’ identities can bring knowledge (& a chance for advocacy) as we learn about the disadvantages & discrimination others face within religion due to one or more of their identities.
We all hold a responsibility to learn how others’ experiences are different than ours due to discrimination, oppression & privilege. We all have a choice to decide what we want to do with that knowledge.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
earning our worth
As people pleasers we think we need to earn our worth. We have to work to make others feel happy or comfortable so that we are needed and wanted. So when someone is generous towards us in any way, it can feel uncomfortable.
It might seem wrong, like we aren’t worth that generosity or kindness unless we earned it. We might feel indebted to them, or believe that we owe them.
This likely traces back to previous relationships we had, especially in childhood, where we learned our people-pleasing behaviors. Those relationships were transactional: we did something (accommodated someone’s needs, managed others’ emotions, went out of our way to take care of a situation) then we got something in return (acceptance, love, appreciation, recognition).
Those transactional relationships taught us that love is conditional. This conflicts with those moments when we are the recipient of an unconditional action, or receive seemingly unconditional acceptance from others.
We have to remind ourselves that we deserve those actions that are not transactional. We can let ourselves receive without giving something in return. We can accept acceptance, without having to earn it.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
strong in our separateness
In religion, conformity (enmeshment) is encouraged & culturally accepted. It can be hard to find a sense of individuation, since deviating from the norm seem wrong or bring feelings of insecurity, uncertainty, or rejection.
A sense of belonging is necessary to our experience as humans. But sometimes belonging gets confused with conformity. We can find places where we belong without being the same as others. We can make relationships work where others believe differently than we do.
This goes both ways: when someone has changed their religious views, they can still belong within the relationship or community we previously shared with them. And when we change our religious views, we can still belong with & accept those who hold the beliefs we previously held but have shifted from.
We can hold to our individuation by being okay with the fact that we have different needs, feelings, values & experiences than others do—even different beliefs. We can better accept our own differences as we hold space for others’ differences.
Carl Rogers, founder of Person-Centered therapy, has a few things to say about holding space for others’ differences, since his theory of therapy emphasizes the importance of relationship. He asks questions that we might all ask to help us hold space for individuation while still understanding & belonging:
“Am I strong enough in my own separateness? Is my inner self hardy enough to realize that I exist separately from [them] with feelings & rights of my own? Can I own &, if need be, express my own feelings as something belonging to me & separate from [their] feelings?
Am I secure enough within myself to permit [them their] separateness? Can I permit [them] to be what [they] are? Or do I feel that [they] should follow my advice, or mold [themselves] after me?”
We can be separate from others. We don’t have to mold ourselves after one another, or conform in the way religion sometimes encourages us to.
As Rogers says: “When I can freely feel this strength of being a separate person, then I find that I can let myself go much more deeply in understanding & accepting [them] because I am not fearful of losing myself.”
Being okay with our own needs & feelings —> accepting that others have their unique needs & feelings —> individuation, not conformity —> deeper understanding & acceptance —> belonging & connecting through our differences.
redefining, reclaiming & reframing
Exploring & examining our beliefs is a healthy & normal part of being human. When we explore our beliefs, something beautiful happens: we get the chance to reclaim our power as we redefine terms & reframe our experience.
Things that once were “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” “righteous” or “unrighteous” can have entirely different labels, according to how we feel.
Some possible phrases we might use to reframe or redefine:
this works for me
this doesn’t work for me
this resonates with me
this doesn’t resonate with me
this aligns with my values
this doesn’t align with my values
this makes sense to me
this doesn’t make sense to me
this brings me comfort, excitement, happiness
this brings me confusion, pain
this is something I need
this is something I don’t need
this is healthy for me
this is unhealthy for me
this is how I want to live my life
this is not how I want to live my life
While these examples look black and white due to the opposing phrases provided, each of these bring gray into our experience because it brings US into our experience. These examples of reframe are based on our own opinions, needs & feelings, not some external standard, definition, or teaching.
If we want to reach for even more gray through embracing the possibility of change (versus finality), we can add words like “…in this season,” “currently” or “…right now”:
“this brings me confusion in my current season”
“this is something I need right now”
“this currently doesn’t align with my values”
We hold the power to redefine, reframe & reclaim our life experiences.
turning other-care into self-care
People-pleasing comes from a need to feel accepted by others so that we have a sense of worth. As we work on repairing the source of our self-worth—shifting it from an external source to an internal one—we can try to create habits or routines that allow us to spend time with ourselves. In other words, we can engage in self-care.
Self-care can be hard to implement, especially when we’re so used to taking care of others & don’t always have the time, energy, or understanding to do that for ourselves. We can start by channeling our same strengths that allow us to take care of others.
If we’re good at cheering others up, maybe we can spend an afternoon doing something to cheer ourselves up. If we’re good at listening to others, maybe we can listen to ourselves as we journal in the evening.
As we take that time to take care of ourselves, we’ll start to accept ourselves more. That acceptance will develop into believing we have worth that is completely independent from how well we please others. We can turn that other-care into self-care :)
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
individuation
Do you crave being different? Do you try to find something that sets you apart from others? Do you find yourself pushing against the norm for no clear reason?
This could be an indication that you value individuation. If you were raised in a conservative religion, that might play a part in it.
Within conservative religions, there is a lot of enmeshment. This enmeshment brings conformity—everyone seems to act the same, think the same, be the same. But maybe you’re tired of being the same.
If you find yourself pushing away from the norm, you may be seeking or needing a sense of individuation. Individuation is defined as “the development of the individual from the universal.” Individuation is an important factor in cultivating our identity, & it can also be a unique value that we hold.
Whether we are in religion or out of it, we can choose to align our lives with that value of individuation. As we create boundaries, learn more about ourselves & listen to our needs, we can foster our sense of individuation.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
from fawning to freedom: overcoming people pleasing and healing your trauma response
People-pleasing is a common phrase, and perhaps a behavior that is all too common in our own lives. People-pleasing can stem from a trauma response known as fawning—a less common concept. In this post, I’ll explain what fawning is, how it affects us, and how we can overcome it to live a more authentic life.
Introduction to People Pleasing and Fawning Trauma Response
People pleasing is a common behavior where individuals prioritize the needs of others over their own, often at the expense of their mental health and wellbeing. Fawning trauma response is a specific type of people pleasing that is rooted in childhood trauma. It is often seen in individuals who grew up in environments where they had to constantly appease their caregivers to avoid emotional or physical harm.
Fawning is a survival mechanism that helps individuals navigate situations where they feel unsafe or threatened. It involves ingratiating oneself to others, being overly agreeable, and suppressing one's own needs and wants. While fawning may have been helpful in childhood, it can lead to feelings of resentment, anxiety, and low self-esteem in adulthood.
Understanding the Impact of Family of Origin on Our Patterns, Roles, and Beliefs
Our family of origin plays a significant role in shaping our patterns, roles, and beliefs. The way we were raised and the environment we grew up in can influence how we interact with others and view ourselves. In the case of fawning trauma response, individuals who grew up in abusive or neglectful environments may have learned to prioritize the needs of their caregivers over their own.
Children who experience trauma may also develop coping mechanisms, such as fawning, to help them deal with the stress and uncertainty of their environment. These coping mechanisms can become ingrained and carry over into adulthood, even when they are no longer necessary.
Recognizing the Signs and Symptoms of Fawning Trauma Response
Recognizing the signs and symptoms of fawning trauma response is an important step in overcoming people pleasing. Some common signs of fawning include:
Prioritizing the needs of others over your own
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Being overly agreeable
Difficulty saying no
Suppressing emotions and needs
Feeling resentful or angry when others don't reciprocate your efforts
If you find yourself exhibiting these behaviors, it may be a sign that you are engaging in fawning trauma response.
How Fawning Trauma Response Affects Anxiety and Rejection
Fawning trauma response can have a significant impact on one's mental health, particularly anxiety and rejection. When we prioritize the needs of others over our own, we can become hyper-vigilant to signs of potential rejection or disapproval. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress, as we are constantly monitoring our behavior and adjusting to please others.
Additionally, when we engage in fawning, we are often seeking external validation and approval. This can lead to feelings of rejection or low self-worth if our efforts are not reciprocated or appreciated. It is important to recognize that our worth is not tied to the approval of others and that we are deserving of love and respect simply for existing.
Identifying Your Needs and Setting Boundaries
To overcome fawning trauma response, it is essential to identify your own needs and learn how to set boundaries. This can be a challenging process, particularly if you have spent much of your life prioritizing the needs of others. However, it is a necessary step in creating a more fulfilling and authentic life.
Start by reflecting on your own needs and wants. What brings you joy? What are your values and priorities? Once you have a better understanding of your own needs, you can begin to set boundaries with others. This may involve saying no to requests that don't align with your values or taking time for yourself to engage in self-care.
Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable at first, but it is an essential step in reclaiming your own agency and living a more authentic life.
Healing from Fawning Trauma Response and Creating a New Narrative
Healing from fawning trauma response involves recognizing the impact of your childhood experiences on your current patterns and behaviors. It also involves challenging the beliefs and narratives that you have internalized as a result of those experiences.
Working with a therapist can be a helpful way to explore the root causes of your fawning trauma response and develop strategies for healing. It may also involve engaging in self-care practices, such as meditation, journaling, or exercise, that help to cultivate a sense of self-worth and agency.
Creating a new narrative involves reframing your beliefs about yourself and your place in the world. This may involve letting go of old patterns and behaviors that no longer serve you and embracing new ways of being that align with your own values and needs.
Coping Strategies for Overcoming People Pleasing
In addition to identifying your own needs and setting boundaries, there are a number of coping strategies that can help you overcome people pleasing. These include:
Practicing self-compassion and self-care
Developing a support system of individuals who prioritize your own needs and values
Engaging in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment
Challenging negative self-talk and limiting beliefs
Learning to assert yourself and communicate your needs effectively
Resources for Healing and Overcoming People Pleasing
There are a number of resources available for individuals who are looking to heal from fawning trauma response and overcome people pleasing. These include:
Therapy and counseling services
Support groups and online communities
Books and podcasts focused on personal growth and healing
Workshops and training programs focused on assertiveness and boundary-setting
Overcoming People Pleasing in Personal and Professional Relationships
Overcoming people pleasing can be challenging, particularly in personal and professional relationships. It may involve having difficult conversations with loved ones or learning to assert yourself in the workplace. However, it is important to recognize that prioritizing your own needs and values is essential for living a fulfilling and authentic life.
Learning to set boundaries and communicate your needs effectively can help to strengthen your relationships and build deeper connections with others. It may also involve letting go of relationships that no longer serve you or align with your values.
Embracing Freedom and Authenticity
Overcoming people pleasing and fawning trauma response is a challenging but essential step in living a more authentic and fulfilling life. It involves recognizing the impact of our childhood experiences on our current patterns and beliefs, identifying our own needs and setting boundaries, and developing a new narrative that aligns with our own values and priorities.
By embracing freedom and authenticity, we can cultivate a deeper sense of self-worth and agency, build stronger relationships, and create a more fulfilling life for ourselves.
we need to trust people to take care of themselves
As people-pleasers or codependents, we might try to control a lot of things that we don't have control over: how others feel, how others perceive us, or the outcome of a situation.
Managing these things takes a lot of work. We take in every little detail to try to understand how we need to act next.
We listen to someone's tone of voice, we read the changes in their facial expressions, we inspect their body language, we pick up on their general energy.
All of this input gives us clues about what is the best best for us--how we should act in order to control the outcome or someone's resulting emotions.
It is not our responsibility to pick up on all of these clues to act according to what we assume someone's needs. It is not fair of us to assume we know what others need, especially if it is not verbally communicated to us.
It is the responsibility of others to take care of what they need. It is fair of others to verbally communicate to us what they need, if it involves us.
We need to remember that people are capable of managing their own lives and emotions--they don't need us to do that for them. We need to trust others to take care of themselves.
invalidating ourselves through justification & excuses
Many of us have learned behaviors of invalidation. When we have felt invalidated by others often enough, we don't believe that our feelings or experience is valid. So we learn to invalidate ourselves, too.
One of the ways we invalidate ourselves is by justifying, excusing, or even over-validating others. This can look many different ways.
If someone forgot our birthday, maybe we justify their actions (or lack of actions) by saying "I'm sure they have a lot going on."
If our friend canceled plans on us at the last minute, maybe we excuse their actions by saying "I wasn't really feeling up to hanging out anyways."
If a family member says something unkind to us, maybe we over-validate their experience by saying "I know they had a really rough day at work."
These behaviors neglect our experience & keeps us from validating our feelings: that we felt forgotten, unimportant, or mistreated.
When we catch ourselves justifying someone else's actions, we can reframe it as well-intended empathy. Then we can extend the same empathy to ourselves.
Our friend forgot our birthday? Maybe they have a lot going on. AND we can acknowledge that we also feel forgotten that we didn't get a happy birthday message.
We don't want to lose that generosity we are extending to others' experiences. We also don't want to keep it from extending generosity towards our own experience, too.
