codependents & internalizing
codependents have a tendency to internalize. here’s what it sounds like to internalize situations:
“why aren’t they texting me back? what did i say that was stupid or too much?”
“why isn’t he acting warm towards me? how can i get him to seem happy or comfortable again?”
“why doesn’t she want to go out with me again? what did i do wrong?”
now here are some alternative, grounded ways to support ourselves in these situations:
“i’m noticing they haven’t texted me in awhile. i felt confident about my responses when i sent them, so that doesn’t need to change now. they get to choose if & when they respond & it doesn’t mean anything about who i am.”
“i can see he’s withdrawing; i’ll wait for him to tell me what’s going on. in the meantime, i don’t have control or responsibility over his emotions. i won’t negotiate my own sense of safety by catering to him, because his mood doesn’t determine whether i’m lovable or not.
“i’m guessing her lack of communication means she’s not interested. i won’t give away my power by believing i need to always do what’s ‘right’ to secure someone’s interest in me—i don’t have power over whether or not i’m the right fit for someone else.”
when we internalize, we turn inward & wonder what we did wrong: we ask ourselves how we can fix the situation. internalizing FEELS safe because we want control to know there’s something we can do to change the outcome of a situation. but we never have control over another person. true safety lies in reminding ourselves of that & acting securely in a place of our own control & power.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
let’s talk about what it means to own our words & let others do the same
et’s talk about what it means to own our words & let others do the same:
as people pleasers we are terrified that people don’t really mean what they’re saying. we don’t think that they are owning their words—while they’re saying one thing (e.g. “i’m totally fine!”) we might believe they mean something else underneath those words (e.g. “i’m really not okay with you or this situation right now”).
on one hand, we likely experienced a relationship in childhood where we had to guess what the other person’s needs were in order to show up for them.
but on the other hand, we likely know how often we don’t actually say what we need, feel, or think—so of course, we think that others are doing the same.
an incredible shift can happen when we start owning our words: we start to believe everyone else is doing the same. we let them own their words, too. when we are clearly communicating, we can start to believe others are clearly communicating as well.
they might not be clearly communicating, but we stop worrying or wondering if they mean what they say (or are saying everything they want to).
while we might not trust someone in other ways, we can trust that they mean the words that they are saying. if they say “i’m totally fine!” we can choose to trust they REALLY mean that. if they don’t, that’s on them. it’s not on us. they need to own their words.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
9 signs of enmeshment in religious environments
9 signs of enmeshment (lack of boundaries) in religious environments & what they sound like:
overinvolvement in others’ personal lives: "i can't say no when someone asks for my help, even if it overwhelms me."
sacrificing personal needs for religious obligations: "fulfilling my calling (or other religious duties) takes up so much of my time”
pressure to conform to rigid religious expectations: "i’m afraid of being judged or told i’m wrong if i express my opinions that are different than what my church teaches."
lack of privacy and personal boundaries: "i feel uncomfortable thinking of the questions that will be asked in my upcoming temple recommend interview."
absence of individual identity outside of the religious community: "i’m tired of how everyone at church has the same interests & ideas but outside of my congregation i don’t have any other friends to spend time with."
guilt or shame for questioning or leaving the religious community: "i can't explore different perspectives or consider leaving because it's seen as a betrayal or sinful."
inadequate autonomy in decision-making: "i can't make important life choices without asking my parents for advice since they are able to receive revelation for me."
emotional dependency on religious leaders or figures: "i don’t know what to do about my job offer. i need to pray about it & go to the temple to try to receive an answer."
difficulty setting boundaries with intrusive religious practices: "i feel trapped because i have to conform to strict religious practices (like attending church each sunday), even if they cause me discomfort or stress."
not everyone experiences religious enmeshment in the same way. however, it is essential to reflect on our experiences, ensuring we maintain a sense of autonomy & establish healthy boundaries. by examining the influence of religion on our lives, we empower ourselves to navigate our spiritual journey with a balanced perspective as we embrace our personal beliefs & challenge unhealthy dynamics.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
4 examples of responses that can come from two different emotional states
similar behaviors can be produced from two very different emotional states. more specifically, we might notice our behaviors look the same externally when we are acting from a place of self-preservation (our trauma response) as when we are acting from a place of self-safety (establishing boundaries).
here are 4 examples of responses that can come from those two different emotional states:
1. withdrawing from a situation or relationship:
trauma response: suddenly & abruptly disconnecting or isolating oneself as a means of self-protection & to escape from overwhelming emotions or triggers.
establishing boundaries: choosing to take space or step back from a situation or relationship to honor one's own needs, create emotional safety, & maintain personal boundaries.
2. setting clear limits or saying no:
trauma response: reacting with an immediate & forceful "no" without much consideration or explanation, stemming from a sense of fear, discomfort, or hypervigilance.
establishing boundaries: asserting personal limits & expressing one's preferences or needs through clear communication, taking into account personal values & emotional well-being.
3. defending oneself or becoming defensive:
trauma response: reacting with a heightened defensiveness, aggression, or hostility, perceiving a threat or attack even if none is present due to a heightened state of arousal.
establishing boundaries: advocating for oneself in a calm & assertive manner, expressing concerns or disagreements while maintaining respect & open communication.
4. seeking safety or creating distance:
trauma response: engaging in behaviors aimed at creating physical or emotional distance from a trigger or perceived threat, such as leaving abruptly or avoiding certain places or people.
establishing boundaries: recognizing & honoring the need for safety & emotional well-being, intentionally creating distance from situations or individuals that are harmful or detrimental to one's mental and emotional health.
when we are healing & starting to act from a grounded & intentional place of self-safety, we might view some of these behaviors & think they are indication that we haven’t healed. this is because we previously knew them as a way to protect ourselves, in context of our triggered trauma response.
walking away from an unsafe environment or conversation doesn’t mean we are shutting down or reverting to previous patterns. it COULD—but it could also mean we are creating boundaries & intentionally cultivating safety for ourselves.
it’s important to note the underlying motivation & emotional state beneath our behaviors. this gives us power as we are intentional in our self-awareness. in a trauma response, the behavior typically arises from a place of fear, hypervigilance, or being overwhelmed by past traumatic experiences. when establishing boundaries, the behavior arises from a grounded & intentional desire to protect oneself, honor personal values, & maintain emotional well-being.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
10 things people-pleasers try to control
“control” often has a negative connotation in our society today. but control is important: it helps us feel safe. especially for those of us who have experienced trauma, we want to feel in control of our lives because we have learned there is so much that is out of our control. as people-pleasers, there is a lot that is outside of our control that we try to control. here are 10 things that people-pleasers try to control:
approval: people-pleasers often seek to control the approval & validation they receive from others. they strive to gain acceptance & avoid disapproval or rejection.
perception: they may try to control how others perceive them by presenting a specific image or persona that they believe will be more likable or desirable to others.
conflict: people-pleasers often try to avoid conflict or disagreements by going along with others' preferences or opinions, attempting to control the situation to maintain harmony.
criticism: they may try to prevent or minimize criticism by anticipating others' expectations & trying to meet them before any negative feedback arises.
rejection: people-pleasers often try to control situations or behaviors to avoid being rejected or abandoned by others. they fear that asserting their own needs or boundaries may result in rejection.
emotional discomfort: they may try to control their own or others' emotional discomfort by prioritizing others' needs & emotions over their own. they aim to create a sense of harmony & avoid potential conflicts or tense situations.
perfection: people-pleasers may strive to control the perception that they are perfect or flawless. they fear that any mistakes or shortcomings will lead to judgment or disappointment from others.
relationships: they may attempt to control their relationships by constantly accommodating others' desires, preferences, & expectations. this can create an imbalance in the relationship dynamic & hinder the expression of their authentic selves.
boundaries: people-pleasers may struggle to assert their own boundaries & instead try to control situations by saying "yes" even when they want to say "no." they fear that setting boundaries may lead to conflict or rejection.
self-worth: they may attempt to control their own sense of self-worth by seeking external validation & relying on others' opinions or approval to feel valuable or worthy.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
8 areas in which we might gain a sense of identity upon leaving religion
self-exploration
leaving religion provides an opportunity for individuals to explore their personal beliefs, values, and philosophies independent of religious dogma. engaging in introspection, questioning, and seeking knowledge from various sources can help individuals discover their authentic selves.
freedom of thought
departing from religious constraints allows individuals to embrace critical thinking, skepticism, and intellectual curiosity. they can explore diverse perspectives, engage in open-minded discussions, and form their own informed opinions, fostering intellectual growth and personal identity development.
personal values & ethics
as individuals distance themselves from religious teachings, they have the chance to reevaluate and establish their own personal values and ethics. they can examine what truly resonates with them, consider principles of empathy, compassion, and social justice, and align their actions with their authentic moral compass.
embracing individuality
leaving religion encourages individuals to celebrate their unique identities, including their personality traits, interests, and talents. they can embrace their passions, hobbies, and aspirations without the limitations imposed by religious expectations, allowing their individuality to flourish.
building supportive relationships
leaving religion can involve reevaluating social connections and cultivating relationships based on shared values, interests, and mutual support. joining secular or non-religious communities, participating in interest-based groups, or connecting with like-minded individuals can foster a sense of belonging and provide a supportive network.
self-trust & autonomy
as individuals detach from religious authority, they learn to trust their own judgment, intuition, and decision-making abilities. embracing personal autonomy allows for the exploration of individual choices and the development of a strong sense of self.
seeking knowledge & growth
leaving religion often sparks a thirst for knowledge and personal growth. individuals may engage in reading, attending lectures, exploring different philosophical and spiritual traditions, and expanding their understanding of the world. this intellectual curiosity contributes to personal development and identity formation.
embracing life’s journey
leaving religion opens doors to a broader perspective on life's meaning and purpose. individuals can find solace and inspiration in embracing the journey itself, focusing on personal growth, and finding joy in the present moment rather than relying on predefined religious narratives.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
8 areas in which we might gain a sense of identity within a religious context
belief & purpose
establishing a religious identity often begins with a personal belief and faith in the teachings, principles, and doctrines of the religion. embracing these beliefs can provide individuals with a sense of purpose, meaning, and a foundation for their identity.
community & belonging
religious communities offer a sense of belonging and social connection. engaging in communal rituals, participating in religious services, and forming relationships with like-minded individuals can contribute to a strong identity.
shared values & moral framework
religions often provide a moral framework and a set of values that guide individuals' choices and behaviors. embracing and aligning with these shared values can help shape one's identity and provide a sense of moral grounding.
rituals & practices
engaging in religious rituals, such as prayer, meditation, fasting, or attending religious ceremonies, can foster a connection to one's religious identity. these practices offer a sense of continuity, tradition, and spiritual experience that contribute to an individual's sense of self, both within the religious context & sometimes outside of if as well.
spiritual experiences
experiencing moments of spiritual connection, transcendence, or divine revelation can strengthen an individual's religious identity. these experiences can deepen their faith, reinforce their beliefs, and provide a personal sense of connection to something greater than themselves.
education & study
engaging in religious education, studying religious texts, and exploring theological concepts can contribute to the development and reinforcement of one's religious identity. gaining knowledge and understanding of religious teachings allows individuals to identify with and articulate their beliefs.
service
religions often emphasize the importance of service and charitable acts. engaging in acts of kindness, social justice, or community service based on religious teachings can provide individuals with a sense of purpose, fulfillment, and a deeper connection to themselves & others.
role models
role models, such as religious leaders or figures, can inspire and shape an individual's religious identity. their teachings, guidance, and embodiment of religious values can influence how individuals perceive themselves within the religious framework.
it's important to note that establishing a religious identity is a deeply personal and individual journey. while these aspects can contribute to a sense of identity within a religious context, individuals may prioritize different elements or find their own unique expressions of religious identity.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
8 areas in which we may experience a loss of identity upon leaving religion
loss of belief structure
leaving religion often means stepping away from a well-defined belief structure that provides a sense of purpose, meaning, and identity. as individuals let go of religious doctrines and practices, they may initially struggle to find new sources of meaning and direction, which can result in a sense of identity loss.
disconnect from community
religion often provides a strong sense of community and belonging. leaving a religious community can lead to a significant loss of social connections, support networks, and a sense of belonging. the absence of these communal ties can leave individuals feeling adrift and disconnected, contributing to a sense of identity loss.
reevaluation of beliefs & values
leaving religion prompts a reevaluation of one's values, beliefs, and moral compass. it involves questioning previously held convictions and exploring alternative perspectives. this process of self-discovery and redefining one's worldview can create a sense of uncertainty and ambiguity, temporarily impacting a person's sense of identity.
grief & emotional turmoil
leaving religion can trigger a grieving process as individuals mourn the loss of familiar rituals, a sense of divine purpose, or the hope of an afterlife. this grieving process may involve a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, confusion, and fear, which can temporarily overshadow one's sense of self and identity.
rediscovering personal autonomy
leaving religion often involves reclaiming personal autonomy and the freedom to define one's own beliefs and values. however, this newfound autonomy can also be overwhelming and disorienting. individuals may grapple with decision-making, defining their own moral framework, and taking responsibility for their lives, which can temporarily impact their sense of identity.
loss of ritual & symbolism
religion often provides a framework of rituals, ceremonies, and symbolic practices that offer a sense of structure and meaning. upon leaving religion, individuals may feel a void or loss of familiar rituals that once shaped their identity and provided a sense of connection to something larger than themselves.
rebuilding personal narrative
leaving religion may require individuals to reconstruct their personal narrative and life story. the narratives and identities that were once tied to religious beliefs and roles (such as being a believer, follower, or servant) may need to be reevaluated and reimagined. this process of redefining oneself can be challenging and may involve exploring new narratives and self-identifications.
shifting relationships & social dynamics
leaving religion can strain or alter relationships with family members, friends, or community members who remain within the religious framework. these shifts in relationships and social dynamics can impact an individual's sense of identity, as they may need to renegotiate their roles and find new sources of connection and support outside of their religious community.
it's important to note that these experiences can vary greatly depending on the specific religious context and individual circumstances—they are not universal. however, recognizing and addressing these challenges can be crucial in reclaiming and nurturing one's own authentic identity outside of religious constraints.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
8 areas in which we might experience a loss of identity within a religious context
suppression of authenticity: in some religious settings, there may be pressure to conform to a specific set of beliefs, behaviors, or roles. this can lead to individuals suppressing or denying their true selves in order to fit into the perceived expectations of the religious community. as a result, they may lose touch with their authentic identity and struggle to express their true thoughts, emotions, and desires.
external validation: reliance on external validation can contribute to a loss of identity. when a person's sense of self-worth is solely dependent on meeting religious standards or seeking approval from religious leaders or community members, they may neglect their own values, aspirations, and personal growth. this constant pursuit of external validation can erode their individuality and hinder the development of a strong and authentic identity.
imposed identity narratives: religious teachings or doctrines may prescribe specific identities or roles based on gender, sexual orientation, or other aspects of personal identity. when individuals are required to conform to these imposed narratives without room for exploration or self-expression, they may lose the opportunity to discover and embrace their own unique identity. this can lead to a sense of internal conflict and a disconnection from their true selves.
emotional coercion: emotional coercion within religious contexts can significantly impact a person's sense of identity. the use of guilt, fear, or shame as tools to control behavior and beliefs can lead individuals to abandon their own values, intuition, and personal convictions. this loss of autonomy and authentic self-expression can result in a diminished sense of identity and a struggle to differentiate between one's own desires and the expectations imposed by the religious community.
doctrine over personal experience: in some religious contexts, personal experiences and perspectives may be minimized or invalidated in favor of adhering strictly to religious doctrines. this can lead to a loss of personal identity as individuals are discouraged from questioning or critically examining their beliefs and experiences. their own thoughts and feelings may be overshadowed by the prescribed teachings, resulting in a disconnection from their true selves.
dichotomous thinking: religious teachings often promote a black-and-white, all-or-nothing mentality, leaving little room for individual exploration or nuance. this dichotomous thinking can inhibit individuals from embracing their complex identities and engaging in critical self-reflection and growth.
loss of autonomy: religious structures and hierarchies can exert significant control over individuals' lives, decision-making processes, and personal autonomy. this loss of autonomy can manifest in various ways, such as restricted freedom of expression, limited choice in matters of personal importance, or feeling coerced into adhering to religious practices that may not resonate with one's authentic self. this loss of control over one's life and choices can contribute to a diminished sense of personal identity.
disconnect from personal values: when religious teachings or practices overshadow personal values and beliefs, individuals may lose touch with their own moral compass and sense of purpose. they may prioritize external rules and doctrines over their own internal guiding principles, leading to a disconnection from their core identity and the values that truly resonate with them. this dissonance can create confusion, inner conflict, and a loss of personal identity.
it's important to note that these experiences can vary greatly depending on the specific religious context and individual circumstances—they are not universal. however, recognizing and addressing these challenges can be crucial in reclaiming and nurturing one's own authentic identity outside of religious constraints.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
what i wish i had known about cultivating safety:
what i wish i knew years ago about cultivating my emotional safety:
cultivating safety means controlling what i can & letting go of what i can’t. i can’t make others treat me with kindness & consideration. i can treat myself with kindness & consideration by choosing whether to stay in certain situations or relationships (or deciding how i will stay in those situations or relationships)—this is safety.
cultivating safety involves communication & setting boundaries. setting boundaries intentionally—by examining what i need & deciding how to move closer to my values—creates safety.
cultivating safety involves self-advocacy. i can only create safety once i acknowledge my needs & take steps to fulfill my needs. this often means prioritizing my own needs over others’ needs—which also means letting go of the need for acceptance. at first, this feels like it isn’t safe, but it actually is.
cultivating safety in a relationship is scary at first. but as i cultivate safety more & more in my relationships & life, my inner voice grows stronger, because i’m learning to believe my needs are worth listening to.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
why it’s important to be intentional when we cope
there are healthy & unhealthy ways to cope. there are also coping mechanisms that can be healthy or unhealthy depending on the situation. here’s an example to show why it’s important to be intentional about how we cope:
one of the ways we can cope is distraction. distraction allows us to focus our attention away from whatever is stressing us out.
distraction includes:
engaging in hobbies (reading, painting, playing music, gardening)
watching something (shows, movies, youtube, tik tok)
socializing
working out or moving our bodies
listening to music
playing games (puzzles, video games, bird games, crosswords)
so how can distraction be either healthy or unhealthy? any of these activities, when done without intention or when done in excess, could possibly turn into avoidance or denial.
let’s say you had a mentally exhausting day at work. you get home & don’t feel like doing anything—you don’t want to think about work & you don’t want to deal with anything else. you open your phone to start scrolling through tik tok.
if you don’t pause to check in with yourself, it’s not the end of the world. but doing so could help you to validate your experience & acknowledge your emotions. it could also prevent you from staying disconnected from yourself longer than you like—what if you ended up scrolling on tik tok for a few hours? that avoidance could potentially leave you feeling worse as you come back to reality, feeling out-of-control since your night is almost over & you haven’t addressed your emotions.
here’s a possible alternative. maybe as you’re opening tik tok, you pause & ask yourself a few questions:
what am i feeling right now? overwhelm, fatigue, frustration.
what am i wanting right now? to disengage & not think about anything.
what am i needing right now? to distract myself & emotionally regulate—which can be done through the comfort & ease of scrolling through videos.
it’s perfectly healthy to decide to distract ourselves. what is also healthy is being intentional in that distraction. if we pause to acknowledge what activity we are engaging in to distract ourselves—and why we are engaging in it—we are claiming power, choosing autonomy & gaining awareness.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
why it’s important to ask others what they need:
there’s a helpful suggestion (you might have heard) for when someone comes to you with an issue. before we say anything, we can ask them “do you need empathy or strategy right now?” i’ve adapted this into asking if they need us to solve or sit—whether they want me to help problem-solve, or want me to just sit with them in their emotions.
this is an important way we can show up more intentionally for others. it’s also a way we can show up better for ourselves. i’ll explain why:
believing it’s our job to fix someone is a porous boundary. when we jump to solve without first asking if that’s what someone needs, we are violating a boundary by assuming we know what they need. this can cause the other person to feel misunderstood, invalidated, or unsafe.
even further, assuming we know what someone needs can perpetuate a habit of caretaking what isn’t ours to take care of. it isn’t considerate to ourselves—it puts unnecessary responsibility on us & reinforces possible beliefs that we need to guess or predict what others need from us.
try it out! see how you feel & how others react when you ask them what they need from you. it might feel inorganic or vulnerable. it also might lead to deeper connection & understanding.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
4 things we commonly say as people-pleasers & what we are trying to control
“i’m down for anything, i don’t really have a preference!” by agreeing to do whatever others want, people-pleasers might be holding onto control by preventing negative reactions or disappointment from others.
“it’s no big deal, no worries!” by presenting themselves as accommodating & without any inconvenience, people-pleasers might be trying to control acceptance and approval from others.
“i don’t mind. you decide.” by deferring decision making to others, people-pleasers might be trying to maintain a sense of control over how they are perceived by others—instead of the possibility of making the wrong choice or being seen as selfish.
“i’m sorry, it was my fault.” by assuming blame and apologizing excessively (even when it may not be necessary or justified), people-pleasers might be taking control by diffusing tension and maintaining a sense of peace and harmony.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
how to cultivate safety
emotional safety is pivotal to experience a regulated, grounded nervous system. when we feel safe, we can connect with others & access our authentic selves.
we can begin cultivating safety through intentional awareness. here’s how:
when we notice cues in our body & behavior that indicate a lack of safety, we might determine what environments, relationships or situations cause us to feel unsafe. examples might include our childhood home, a co-worker, or a situation where we are meeting new people.
so how do we cultivate safety? two of my favorite tools are examining gray areas to create safety routes & practicing boundary phrases. let’s look at an example & how we might try to cultivate safety: say that we generally feel unsafe when we go on a first date. this is a valid & common emotion to experience, since we aren’t sure if we will be rejected.
first, examining gray areas. we might be seeing the situation in black-and-white. this allows for a false sense of control, but it prevents openness to possibilities. there’s more to the date than just the two outcomes of the other person being interested or rejecting us. maybe we won’t be interested in them. maybe they’ll be curious to learn more about us before making a decision. maybe we’ll both determine that we’d rather pursue a friendship.
the gray areas can be examined in so many aspects of the date to see where we can create safety routes for ourselves. this might include the length of the date (we can choose to end the date at any time) or what is planned for the date (we aren’t confined to a typical dinner or drinks date—we can go on a walk, people watch at a park, make food together). as we examine the gray areas, we can see that there are options: there isn’t just one (or two) set ways the experience could look.
second, practicing boundary phrases. these are phrases we keep in our toolbox to feel prepared when we face a situation that feels unsafe. we might feel worried that on our date we’ll be asked questions we don’t want to answer. or maybe we feel anxious that we’ll have to say “yes” to whatever our date proposes we do. possible corresponding boundary phrases might be “i’m going to change the subject” or “i’m not feeling up to that option.”
creating these boundary phrases & practicing them allows us to feel prepared if situations arise that threaten our emotional safety. along with examining the gray areas, these tools help us to take control in our lives as we prepare for situations & prevent possible unsafe scenarios.
how have you cultivated safety for yourself?
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
5 codependent behaviors that can be encouraged through religion:
religion is diverse & can be interpreted & practiced in various ways. while some aspects of religion may foster healthy relationships & personal growth, certain teachings or interpretations can inadvertently reinforce codependent behaviors in individuals. here are some examples
sacrificing personal needs for the sake of others. selflessness, when taken to an extreme, can reinforce the tendency to prioritize others’ needs above one’s own. this can lead to neglecting personal boundaries & well-being.
enabling unhealthy behaviors. in religious contexts, forgiveness & compassion are often valued virtues. however, when taken to an extreme, these teachings can inadvertently enable or tolerate harmful behaviors in relationships, leading to a pattern of codependency & enabling.
unquestioning obedience & submission. religious teachings that emphasize unquestioning obedience or submission to authority figures or religious doctrines can discourage critical thinking & autonomy. this can contribute to a codependent dynamic where individuals may suppress their own needs, thoughts, & feelings to conform to perceived expectations.
guilt & shame surrounding self-care. some religious teachings may emphasize self-denial or label self-care practices as selfish or sinful. this can instill guilt & shame in individuals who prioritize their own well-being, potentially reinforcing codependent tendencies & self-neglect.
overemphasis on external validation. certain religious teachings may place a heavy emphasis on seeking validation, approval, & salvation from external sources such as religious figures or institutions. this can reinforce codependent behaviors by fostering a reliance on external validation & a diminished sense of self-worth.
it’s important to note that not all religious teachings or practices promote codependency, & individuals may interpret & apply religious teachings in ways that are healthy & empowering. it’s essential to engage in critical thinking & self-reflection—above all, making sure we don’t lose our individuation, autonomy & self-trust.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
you might have a fawn trauma response if…
if you find yourself constantly:
agreeing with others’ opinions
apologizing excessively
forcing a smile around others
you might have a fawn response. here’s what that means:
the fawn response is one of four trauma responses. fight & flight are commonly referenced responses, freeze is a little less commonly known. fawn seems to be the response that people know the least about. the fawn response typically goes hand-in-hand with people pleasing.
the fawn trauma response often develops as a coping mechanism in response to early experiences of needing to please and appease others to ensure safety, love, and acceptance. within significant relationships, those with a fawn trauma response learned they needed to take care of others to avoid getting hurt.
if you have a fawn response, it means that you have a tendency to prioritize others' needs & desires over your own, you seek external validation, & you avoid conflict to maintain a sense of safety and connection.
let’s look at the examples again & see how those tie in:
agreeing with others’ opinions even when you don’t actually agree is a way to dodge conflict & maintain peace or harmony.
apologizing excessively even for small things that are not your fault is a way to appease others & avoid potential disapproval.
forcing a smile or pretending you’re okay even when you’re experiencing other emotions is a way to prevent upsetting or disappointing others.
you deserve to experience safety in your relationships without fear of rejection. you deserve to teach your body that this response you learned is no longer needed. you deserve to take care of yourself.
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @therapy.with.emilee
how to replace prayer with other coping mechanisms
prayer can be a coping mechanism that helps us face hard things. as a problem-based coping strategy, it might be a way for us to figure out solutions to choices or problems we’re facing. as an emotion-based coping strategy, it might help us to emotionally regulate & feel calm during stressful times.
prayer might be a helpful coping mechanism for some. especially if we’ve figured out how prayer works uniquely for us, it can be a powerful time of meditation, introspection & connection.
whether you are in or out of religion, you might no longer want or need to pray. perhaps prayer added nothing to your life. but if prayer previously provided you with ways to cope, it could be helpful to create new, alternate coping strategies.
prompts to think about:
did prayer previously help me cope?
how did prayer help me cope? (emotion-based coping or solution-based coping?)
what healthy coping mechanisms can take the place of prayer in my life?
some ideas of alternate coping mechanisms:
yoga
mindfulness/breathing exercises
journaling
creating mantras or affirmations
talking to a friend
it is important to act in ways that align with our values—this might include discontinuing the habit of prayer. it is ALSO important to take care of our bodies and emotions when we remove a habit or helpful coping mechanism. what is (or was) your relationship with prayer?
*you can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
rituals & religion
Why we miss religious rituals & how we can make rituals work for us:
Rituals are an integral part of religion. Temple ceremonies, celebrating holidays, attending church or studying the scriptures are all examples of rituals we might practice in religion. They are also examples of rituals we might stop practicing when we shift in our religious or spiritual beliefs.
To some, there might be feelings of relief--no looking back--when rituals end. To others, complicated feelings of grief & longing might come up. This makes a lot of sense--rituals provide us with comfort & meaning.
Rituals provide us with comfort. Engaging in routine gives us structure & predictability--something our brains crave. Compared to the other parts of our unpredictable & stressful lives, carrying out rituals gives us a sense of safety & control (& can actually lower our anxiety).
Rituals provide us with meaning. Rituals have a purpose, & even if the religious purpose is removed, we might find that we engaged in those rituals for other purposes, too. This is best explored in terms of our values. Perhaps going to church aligned with our value of community. Maybe holidays brought us closer to our values of fun or joy. If we attended the temple regularly with friends or our partner, that might have moved us closer to our value of connection. And studying the scriptures could have aligned with values such as knowledge or wisdom.
If you find yourself missing rituals when the time comes around that you would normally engage in them, check in with yourself. Perhaps your body is simply missing the consistency & calm: the comfort that came through the ritual. If so, see how you can adapt a routine into your life that feels authentic & gives you reprieve from the rest of your schedule.
Perhaps you are missing something more--the meaning the ritual provided you as it moved you closer to your values. If that's the case, see how you can take that value & put it into a new ritual instead. Maybe you plan a weekly movie night with friends for community or connection. Or maybe you end your night by reading a book or watching a docuseries, for wisdom. Or maybe you look up new holidays to celebrate & to bring fun & joy into your calendar year.
If you are transitioning in your faith, it's okay to leave rituals behind that no longer serve you. It's also okay to keep some (or all) of the rituals you follow. And of course, it's okay to find ways to make new rituals in your life, to take religion out of the ritual.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
redefining, reclaiming & reframing
how to redefine, reclaim & reframe (within religion or after leaving religion):
exploring & examining our beliefs is a healthy & normal part of being human. when we explore our beliefs, something beautiful happens: we get the chance to reclaim our power as we redefine terms & reframe our experience.
things that once were
“good” or “bad,”
“right” or “wrong,”
“righteous” or “unrighteous”
can have entirely different labels, according to how we feel. some possible phrases we might use to reframe or redefine:
this works for me
this doesn’t work for me
this resonates with me
this doesn’t resonate with me
this aligns with my values
this doesn’t align with my values
this makes sense to me
this doesn’t make sense to me
this brings me comfort, excitement, happiness
this brings me confusion, pain
this is something I need
this is something I don’t need
this is healthy for me
this is unhealthy for me
this is how I want to live my life
this is not how I want to live my life
while these examples look black & white due to the opposing phrases provided, each of these bring gray into our experience because it brings US into our experience. these examples of reframe are based on our own opinions, needs & feelings, not some external standard, definition, or teaching.
if we want to reach for even more gray through embracing the possibility of change (versus finality), we can add words like “in this season,” “currently” or “right now”:
“this brings me confusion in my current season”
“this is something I need right now”
“this currently doesn’t align with my values”
we hold the power to redefine, reframe & reclaim our life experiences.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee
how to make a relationship work when someone holds different beliefs than us
in religion, conformity (enmeshment) is encouraged & culturally accepted. it can be hard to find a sense of individuation, since deviating from the norm seem wrong or bring feelings of insecurity, uncertainty, or rejection.
a sense of belonging is necessary to our experience as humans. but sometimes belonging gets confused with conformity. we can find places where we belong without being the same as others. we can make relationships work where others believe differently than we do.
this goes both ways: when someone has changed their religious views, they can still belong within the relationship or community we previously shared with them. and when we change our religious views, we can still belong with & accept those who hold the beliefs we previously held but have shifted from.
we can hold to our individuation by being okay with the fact that we have different needs, feelings, values & experiences than others do—even different beliefs. we can better accept our own differences as we hold space for others’ differences.
Carl Rogers, founder of person-centered therapy, has a few things to say about holding space for others’ differences, since his theory of therapy emphasizes the importance of relationship. he asks questions that we might all ask to reach individuation, belonging, & understanding:
“am i strong enough in my own separateness? is my inner self hardy enough to realize that i exist separately from them with feelings & rights of my own? can i own &, if need be, express my own feelings as something belonging to me & separate from their feelings?”
"am i secure enough within myself to permit them their separateness? can i permit them to be what they are? or do i feel that they should follow my advice, or mold themselves after me?”
we can be separate from others. we don’t have to mold ourselves after one another, or conform in the way religion sometimes encourages us to.
as Rogers says: “when i can freely feel this strength of being a separate person, then i find that i can let myself go much more deeply in understanding & accepting [them] because i am not fearful of losing myself.”
in short: being okay with our own needs & feelings —> accepting that others have their unique needs & feelings —> individuation, not conformity —> deeper understanding & acceptance —> belonging & connecting through our differences.
*You can read more of these posts on my instagram page, @religious.trauma.with.emilee